whiskey bath

I haven't been writing in my journal. I feel bad for my future generation. That they'll have to scavenger and hope there's part of me online or something.

I've been really frustrated lately. Not outright but clearly not happy. It just doesn't feel right. Sometimes I wonder if it ever feels right to me. I remember sitting outside on my high school stoop waiting to be picked up after a show while everyone else shared flowers and praise with each other inside. I caught myself in that moment once at Radio City too. I was staring at empty flag poles and all the sudden I realized I've been there before. I'm turning 28 soon. I know I'm still young but 28 is just old enough to give you enough time and distance between things that you wonder if they happened at all.

Last night I went to see a friend. He was bartending. There was live jazz music, albeit kinda dorky but he was giving me ginger beer and whiskey. He's one of those people I just like being around. I feel calmer. I feel like I don't have to force anything. This is also due to the fact we established we are not kissing. The older I get the more it seems relationships are these contracts you form with someone else. What are you comfortable with? What are you looking for? Where have you been? It's only a conversation I've had in lets say the past year. I don't think I really got it until Luigi. Something about him made me want to be more mature. With the opposite being naive, not immature.

I still have complete freedom. And it's still just as scary. I'm really looking for that next job I can sink myself into. I get worried about defining myself by the work I do. I'd like to be an awesome person outside of the cool things I do but I like to work. I like being good at what I do. I want to improve my craft though. Get more creative. Get more proactive in what is being put out into the world.

I feel like I'm the only one around for my grandma now. I mean, she lives close to her sister but I don't think that's fulfilling for her. It's hard sometimes because if I could just pin point the place that would make me happy and keep me employed she could come too but that's a commitment I can't make. In a way we're in the same spot of homelessness.Not in the normal way of the word but in looking for a community.

I know I have True/False but it just doesn't feel right. I feel like a parent. You give and you give and no one sees the wheels you spin or the frustration you have.Which is funny, the reason I don't feel like I fit in in Columbia is because I'm not remotely a parent. I live with two couples in the beginning stages of nesting. Whispering about engagement rings, house..and then there's me.In 28 years I will have failed to ever remotely be a part of a whole.I think mostly I'm okay with that. I have no big regrets.I'm still figuring out who I am.

Sundance was good. My boss/friend and I cleared up a lot of miscommunication. The first director she introduced me to she said I was a theater manager in my own right. Actually, a lot of people said I was a manager during the festival (I am not a manager at the festival) Kevin Smith had a great panel. Basically his sister told him he was a filmmaker who just hadn't made a film. I thought that was sweet. I freaked out on Ali a bit. I know film fest aren't a place for intimacy. But the time he did put towards me was nice. I totally did the drunk girl I'm gonna walk myself home I can take care of myself bit but I wasn't drunk and I got maybe two blocks away before he told me to get in the car. I think intimacy with someone is easier to take when you practice it with more people. I don't mean sex. More so the just being yourself part. The sharing who you are without the brick wall I tend to put up. At least with men.