Bird Boy

I went on a date the other night. I'm not sure it really counts as a date. In my head since middle school a date was me wearing a dress and us eating ice cream and smiling and that's pretty much it. So this was a "get to know you" in a public place. I wanted to throw up the entire day leading up to it. So much nervous energy. I got myself into the car saying if I can talk to Michael Shannon after seeing him in a Broadway show I could talk to some professor.

So there I was in my red cowboy boots, red shorts, red lipstick and I looked up and saw him and realized I shouldn't be the nervous one. And I wasn't.

We managed to talk for five hours straight until the bar kicked us out. The time went by fast for sure. I don't think I was attracted to him. Not that he wasn't unattractive. I listened to him talk, he asked me questions about my life. It felt so good to be in pre internet world. THIS is how we should be getting to know someone.

He walked me to my car. He leaned on my car. We're keeping in touch.

The night before I had been hanging out with the Writer at my house. I played records, we drank whiskey and I kicked his butt at blackjack. I only started losing when he told me what to do. I really appreciate our comfort level. And even though I tell him I want to kiss him it's okay that we don't. I think there's a freedom in being the one that says "yes yes yes" and the guy saying "no" So many times it's the other way around. I like how he remembers facts about me. I've never met a boy more aware of when my birthday is.

It's funny my interaction with boys seems to help me bounce around ideas and figure out who I want to be. My interaction with girls affirms who I am now.

I am so grateful for Kate telling me Im not allowed to say "I should have known!" when it came to Vegas Boy. She's right, if I really knew the outcome I wouldn't have put myself in that position with him, but I didn't know. Mostly it's easier to pretend he doesn't exists. Except thanks to our social networks he occasionally does. And that's okay. As mad as people want me to be and as mad as I can get about the situation I find it hard to be mad at someone who doesn't know who they are- didn't know who they are.

I was staring at the back of my step-dads head the other day in the car and I realized I owe a lot of my caring about kids to him. Because I want to do everything he failed to do for me. Maybe that's why single dads don't turn me off. Vegas was the first time I could imagine a home, but someday Ill be able to imagine something else.

It's funny. The theme for T/F this year is all about how to build a home. It's something I think I took for granted for a kid. This place that I belonged to. Now I don't belong anywhere. It got me thinking about birds and how they're always having to re make a home. They seem to be just fine.

The Concept

I am currently pet sitting (pause for petting) I am flanked by a dog to my left and a cat to my right. Being in a space occupied by a couple gives me time to play house. I make a very good third or fifth wheel. Barring that your girlfriend doesn't become more amused by me and then you become the third wheel and get grumpy. Why would I write the last sentence like I'm talking to one of my friends' boyfriends?

I like being on the other side of a situation. Going through something. At one festival all my friends got promoted and I had a little issue so it bummed me out. It especially bummed me out that I would be waking up at 4am for a flight and get stuck in Vegas. Vegas airport being the last place Curtis said he couldn't wait to see me at Telluride. We would see each other at Telluride- he wasn't wrong about that. Except his ex would also be there and they would get to hang out around the festival. Not in it, but around it. She would like a picture I posted on instagram and his smile would make my stomach flip. So now I'm flying to PHX and roadtripping through Vegas to Sundance. Because I'm young and can take five days to get somewhere.

But you know? It's kind of okay he broke my heart. Had he been more honest - with himself- I think we could have avoided the whole situation. But that's in the past. Kind of. Because of him I have this story and stories are a great way to connect with ...(commercial for Las Vegas housewives come on and I have to change the channel)...anyway, I've bonded a lot of super terrific women because of him. If it's one thing we all have in common in this industry it's dealing with fest boys. Guys you meet in this super romantic setting and trust and then *Poof* things don't go as expected.

Expectations are a tricky thing. I feel like I'm walking around with this passport with a Curtis stamp on it and some extra baggage I wasn't quite anticipating bringing home. It's been great getting to know other countries too. The guy who doesn't equate sex as something to be ashamed of and doesn't fit in the box I had decided to put him in. The friend who says he's busy and who assures me it doesn't mean he's joining a religion and never talking to me was unexpected. In the past I was made to feel guilty about wanting to see someone, but now the make the time to see me. I express what I want and we try to work it out. Bizarre. I didn't realize all the bad habits I picked up in the past two years.

I still want to write a movie.

T/F will be here quicker than I know. 400 volunteers already scheduled. So much to do.

Oh! And my wisdom tooth started to come in again. I'm probably the only one amused when this happens.

The Usual Suspects

I should have written a few days ago when I was super excited about everything. Don't get me wrong, still super excited about work. We're implementing a lot of cool things and I get to bring in a lot of my friends into work. And I really do think it's going to be a great experience for everyone involved.

My personal life- and by that I mean my dating life and by that I mean my interaction with men has been a disaster lately. The rejection is constantly the same and I have yet to learn my lesson, though I think I am learning just verrry slowly.  It always concludes the same way, "you're witty, you're fun, you're cute and you're youthful." The latter being the hang up. Always. From my first kiss to my first anything it has always concluded in a statement about how young I am.

This should be a sign to me, I suppose, to date younger. Not that I date. The options you have as a woman who travels are trysts or being a nun. Why is there no happy medium? 

Pink Fox

Sometimes I get sidetrack. And by sometimes I mean a lot. Not noticeably. Nothing really changes outwardly really.

Facebook popped up that this guy Jesse invited me to his film event. An event that I always get invited to but can never go to because I do not live near San Francisco.

Jesse. Is a completely awesome dude. I remember feeling quite invisible as Sundance one day a few years ago. It's kinda easy to do when you're around a bunch of famous people and people who only care about seeing said people. (This is not how I few Sundance- its just the atmosphere on the street generally. Well at some Times reporters...) Anyway, it had been a long day and all the sudden Jesse was standing in front of me. Grabbing my pass to see me name and telling me "thank you." Audience members who tell volunteers thank you are instantly on my favorites list.

Anyway my friend and I sat through the movie Jesse saw. After it was over her and I got on a bus and I saw Jesse, not knowing his name. I told her what had happened and she yelled out to him to get his name as the bus doors were closing. He seemed amused.

It was amusing. It involved kindness and talking to strangers that turned to friends and that's the kinda thing I really dig ya know?

I think it would be good for me to learn how to surf. Riding the waves and all. It's a great metaphor. Life is a lot easier when I accept the things I have no control over and focus on what I do.

Mad Love,

L