Bird Boy

I went on a date the other night. I'm not sure it really counts as a date. In my head since middle school a date was me wearing a dress and us eating ice cream and smiling and that's pretty much it. So this was a "get to know you" in a public place. I wanted to throw up the entire day leading up to it. So much nervous energy. I got myself into the car saying if I can talk to Michael Shannon after seeing him in a Broadway show I could talk to some professor.

So there I was in my red cowboy boots, red shorts, red lipstick and I looked up and saw him and realized I shouldn't be the nervous one. And I wasn't.

We managed to talk for five hours straight until the bar kicked us out. The time went by fast for sure. I don't think I was attracted to him. Not that he wasn't unattractive. I listened to him talk, he asked me questions about my life. It felt so good to be in pre internet world. THIS is how we should be getting to know someone.

He walked me to my car. He leaned on my car. We're keeping in touch.

The night before I had been hanging out with the Writer at my house. I played records, we drank whiskey and I kicked his butt at blackjack. I only started losing when he told me what to do. I really appreciate our comfort level. And even though I tell him I want to kiss him it's okay that we don't. I think there's a freedom in being the one that says "yes yes yes" and the guy saying "no" So many times it's the other way around. I like how he remembers facts about me. I've never met a boy more aware of when my birthday is.

It's funny my interaction with boys seems to help me bounce around ideas and figure out who I want to be. My interaction with girls affirms who I am now.

I am so grateful for Kate telling me Im not allowed to say "I should have known!" when it came to Vegas Boy. She's right, if I really knew the outcome I wouldn't have put myself in that position with him, but I didn't know. Mostly it's easier to pretend he doesn't exists. Except thanks to our social networks he occasionally does. And that's okay. As mad as people want me to be and as mad as I can get about the situation I find it hard to be mad at someone who doesn't know who they are- didn't know who they are.

I was staring at the back of my step-dads head the other day in the car and I realized I owe a lot of my caring about kids to him. Because I want to do everything he failed to do for me. Maybe that's why single dads don't turn me off. Vegas was the first time I could imagine a home, but someday Ill be able to imagine something else.

It's funny. The theme for T/F this year is all about how to build a home. It's something I think I took for granted for a kid. This place that I belonged to. Now I don't belong anywhere. It got me thinking about birds and how they're always having to re make a home. They seem to be just fine.