I've felt completely ungrounded lately.
I need to focus.
See what time off does to me?
Three guys asked me to give them a job today. An ex harvard football player turned real estate broker, an editor who has worked on some known movies and a cowboy. Maybe it's because they're not subtle about it but something about it really weirds me out. I don't like talking about my work with people. I suppose I worry that's all they'll find interesting about me.
I used bodywash from a hotel and now I smell like a boy. Ugh.
Starting tomorrow I am working for a ghost reality tv show at a prison. I promised myself after Six Flags I would never work with ghost hunters again. Ah well. Should be fun? Right?
I also got my script for a teen talent show I am stage managing at the Fox. The Fox is beautiful; it's the theater that I fell in love with and probably the reason I wanted to stage manage in the first place. So now I am stage managing for a friend of mine there. Of course the judges for the talent show are heads of every big arts organization in St. Louis...I never half ass anything when it comes to work apparently. I didn't know they would be big wigs, I thought I was just going to be working with a friend. Go big or go home. Never been head of wardrobe, might as well go on tour with 100+original broadway costumes...sure why not.
Sometimes I forget I like myself. When I was younger I was pretty good at writing though so re reading old journals has been a nice conversation I get to have with myself.
I like working in entertainment. There's so many songs on the radio or movies I run into that have my friends involved with them somehow. For me it's like the idea of a bird gathering twigs for a nest after it lands in its new destination. Home is where the bird builds it. Not where it is. Or something like that. So to me, home is the people I carry with me. More than the four walls, garage and a newly done yard or something like that. I am a very lucky person, but sometimes I get caught up. I am so grateful for everyone the chooses to keep me in their life even if I am not there at every moment.
The last day I went home before I left my mom hide 2 chocolate bars and an Eckhart Tolle book in my bag. I really do like the book. But it means more to me because it's the book I had when I missed my bus to Chicago to see Mraz and last minute decided I would fly there instead. Later on I would talk to Jason and he would see my book. He happened to be reading the same one. It made me feel resourceful. I am capable of taking care of myself. I pay for myself, my car, my student loans. I am a responsible adult. Or something like that. And that's kind of awesome. Not everyone is capable of taking care of themselves.
Luckily I have friends that help too. A big part of what I do only happens because people want me to work with them or let me crash on their couch. I realize the amount of roommates I have had in life so far probably surpasses the average American human being.
Life is good.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
for once
I think it's okay to figure yourself out. It's all there, I think. Just a matter of sorting and organizing.
I've been contemplating writing a letter to my dad. I can't figure out what I want though. So I haven't.
My schedule is about to get hectic again. Next week is 5 days of shooting Ghost Adventures. Then a few days at the Fox in STL, straight to NYC for Tribeca. Week off then Chicago for AGT. Week off. Then Sundance Labs again for the first half of the summer.
I hope I do a better job of enjoying myself at the Labs. Last summer it was all about healing and crying and raw emotions. But time makes everything better right? Even Telluride is shaping up to be a new experience that I enter in cautiously.
I've been thinking of running off to California for a bit. I've been thinking that since I can remember though.
Love
Lex
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Be love.
I want to be love.
It is something I think about constantly. I don't want to be selfish. I want to inspire. I want to make people feel like they are capable of exceeding expectations.
I don't want to be jealous. It's easy to feel jealous initially with friends as amazing as mine. It's not that I hold on to jealousy or anything. There is just constantly things going on in our world and I feel like it's somewhat of a rat race sometimes.
I like feeling like light. I want to be bright and warm. I don't like when I overthink things and make them more complicated.
I'm trying to figure out the balance between self and others. How to take time for me without feeling selfish?
I know I have great potential to be something and realizing I already am that something is probably what is missing.
I can't decide where I stand or cursing. I still feel like a little kid saying something I know I shouldn't.
I'm going to start songwriting again.
It is something I think about constantly. I don't want to be selfish. I want to inspire. I want to make people feel like they are capable of exceeding expectations.
I don't want to be jealous. It's easy to feel jealous initially with friends as amazing as mine. It's not that I hold on to jealousy or anything. There is just constantly things going on in our world and I feel like it's somewhat of a rat race sometimes.
I like feeling like light. I want to be bright and warm. I don't like when I overthink things and make them more complicated.
I'm trying to figure out the balance between self and others. How to take time for me without feeling selfish?
I know I have great potential to be something and realizing I already am that something is probably what is missing.
I can't decide where I stand or cursing. I still feel like a little kid saying something I know I shouldn't.
I'm going to start songwriting again.
Monday, March 25, 2013
The Late Men
I am 27. In my head that sounds like the age I start figuring stuff out, but I think every year is like that. I have just come back from SXSW and a stint in San Antonio with America's Got Talent.
Sxsw started off rocky as I was ditched by the friend I was staying with. I ended up talking to this guy I knew from Sundance that took me back to his ranch. He laughed all the way home 8. Saying it was weird how trusting I was. That probably should have been a red flag or five. Later I would notice he had a quasi tribal tattoo. Which would have been helpful to know before everything.
I was at a venue with all electronic music. I would realize this made me super cranky. The bouncer also got drunk to the point where he couldn't form full sentences. This would also make me cranky.
All hope was not lost in Austin though. My roomies both had films there. I got to see one of them. It moved me deeply. Reminded me a lot of her and made me realize how much I'm not dealing with losing her. Maybe that's why they do that whole open casket thing. So there's no pretending like the next time you go to their house they'll still be there. When we were at her house for Christmas she gave me my birthday present too. Maybe she was more aware than me as to what was happening. I was so clueless. She had such faith in me. I disappoint myself when I have self doubt because I feel like I'm disagreeing with her or something.
I have to use real names here. I have early online journals where I just use "he" and "she" a lot and have no clue who I'm talking about. There was a guy at my venue one night that look so much like Curtis. I didn't think that existed. His eyes, the way his smile turns up. Gag worthy I know. My body had the same reaction as I get when I read his name. I tried to tell myself maybe it's my genetic make up to react to people who look that way and Curtis didn't mean anything. I kept trying to compare him to the cowboy with the tribal tattoo who didn't care about me. That's what we were suppose to mean to each other, nothing. It's like driving a car and trying to constantly overcorrecting. Eventually I will drive straight. Mostly I think of him to reflect on myself. It's crazy, a year ago he was telling me we shouldn't talk anymore. I know he wasn't thinking it was right before my birthday. He never cared like that. He would text a few days later saying there was something he needed to say but couldn't think of what. It was always based on what he needed. So it's not him I miss. It was amusing at this years Sundance when he did the same thing and I knew exactly what to expect. It's just a good measuring stick I suppose. How comfortable I am with myself now compared to two years ago. The different people I am willing to talk to. The experiences I expose myself to. I think it's ok not to regret things.
When he left, the thing I held on to the hardest was this email he wrote me once. I don't think he was lying even though he would take it back later. I started to feel sorry myself because I didn't get to hear all these wonderful things he use to tell me, but it wasn't true. I get to hear them still. That very day strangers I had never worked with before told me things he had told me. Not to brag or anything. They just mentioned how they thought I was sweet and unusual and questioned if this is how I always am. I can only be one way, it would be too hard to try and be anything else. Sometimes I complain to Frank that I don't want to be special. I feel like I don't fit in and I don't fit any definition. It's hard because I don't see how I'm that different from anyone else. Even when it comes to the way I dress people say I'm unusual.
I have been given amazing opportunities. I wish I were more grateful for them and fully immersed in all their moments. I get to go back to the Sundance Labs. Telluride offered me a position almost "on the spot." That was amazing. I felt like I was king of the mountain after that. I felt like if I kept going to the festival eventually I could create so many new memories the ones of him would go away. Maybe that's true. Life has been easier since I tried to stop memorizing every detail.
9. I made out with an Irish director at sxsw. He would grab my face and tell me I was amazing and wonderful and he loved my red hair. He was sloshed but lovely. He said he wanted to cuddle. I told him he was full of words and he told me words have weight. It was near St. Patricks Day so I questioned if he was really a leprechaun. It was a nice experience that didn't mean much. Past me would have beaten myself up over it.
1. An old friend asked me if I was happy he was becoming a family man. I didn't know what to say to him. I know I don't fit into his future life. I'm not sure what would qualify us as being friends. It always seemed mostly one sided. I gave, he took. I seem to be good at finding those types.
All this is a lot of talk about boys. It's because it's the only thing that doesn't make sense to me I suppose. I'm successful career wise when I put my mind to something. It's the connecting with the opposite sex that feels like algebra all over again. I took honors at the beginning of high school and by the time I got out I think I had taken the same class quite a few times. It just happens that way I guess.
Sxsw started off rocky as I was ditched by the friend I was staying with. I ended up talking to this guy I knew from Sundance that took me back to his ranch. He laughed all the way home 8. Saying it was weird how trusting I was. That probably should have been a red flag or five. Later I would notice he had a quasi tribal tattoo. Which would have been helpful to know before everything.
I was at a venue with all electronic music. I would realize this made me super cranky. The bouncer also got drunk to the point where he couldn't form full sentences. This would also make me cranky.
All hope was not lost in Austin though. My roomies both had films there. I got to see one of them. It moved me deeply. Reminded me a lot of her and made me realize how much I'm not dealing with losing her. Maybe that's why they do that whole open casket thing. So there's no pretending like the next time you go to their house they'll still be there. When we were at her house for Christmas she gave me my birthday present too. Maybe she was more aware than me as to what was happening. I was so clueless. She had such faith in me. I disappoint myself when I have self doubt because I feel like I'm disagreeing with her or something.
I have to use real names here. I have early online journals where I just use "he" and "she" a lot and have no clue who I'm talking about. There was a guy at my venue one night that look so much like Curtis. I didn't think that existed. His eyes, the way his smile turns up. Gag worthy I know. My body had the same reaction as I get when I read his name. I tried to tell myself maybe it's my genetic make up to react to people who look that way and Curtis didn't mean anything. I kept trying to compare him to the cowboy with the tribal tattoo who didn't care about me. That's what we were suppose to mean to each other, nothing. It's like driving a car and trying to constantly overcorrecting. Eventually I will drive straight. Mostly I think of him to reflect on myself. It's crazy, a year ago he was telling me we shouldn't talk anymore. I know he wasn't thinking it was right before my birthday. He never cared like that. He would text a few days later saying there was something he needed to say but couldn't think of what. It was always based on what he needed. So it's not him I miss. It was amusing at this years Sundance when he did the same thing and I knew exactly what to expect. It's just a good measuring stick I suppose. How comfortable I am with myself now compared to two years ago. The different people I am willing to talk to. The experiences I expose myself to. I think it's ok not to regret things.
When he left, the thing I held on to the hardest was this email he wrote me once. I don't think he was lying even though he would take it back later. I started to feel sorry myself because I didn't get to hear all these wonderful things he use to tell me, but it wasn't true. I get to hear them still. That very day strangers I had never worked with before told me things he had told me. Not to brag or anything. They just mentioned how they thought I was sweet and unusual and questioned if this is how I always am. I can only be one way, it would be too hard to try and be anything else. Sometimes I complain to Frank that I don't want to be special. I feel like I don't fit in and I don't fit any definition. It's hard because I don't see how I'm that different from anyone else. Even when it comes to the way I dress people say I'm unusual.
I have been given amazing opportunities. I wish I were more grateful for them and fully immersed in all their moments. I get to go back to the Sundance Labs. Telluride offered me a position almost "on the spot." That was amazing. I felt like I was king of the mountain after that. I felt like if I kept going to the festival eventually I could create so many new memories the ones of him would go away. Maybe that's true. Life has been easier since I tried to stop memorizing every detail.
9. I made out with an Irish director at sxsw. He would grab my face and tell me I was amazing and wonderful and he loved my red hair. He was sloshed but lovely. He said he wanted to cuddle. I told him he was full of words and he told me words have weight. It was near St. Patricks Day so I questioned if he was really a leprechaun. It was a nice experience that didn't mean much. Past me would have beaten myself up over it.
1. An old friend asked me if I was happy he was becoming a family man. I didn't know what to say to him. I know I don't fit into his future life. I'm not sure what would qualify us as being friends. It always seemed mostly one sided. I gave, he took. I seem to be good at finding those types.
All this is a lot of talk about boys. It's because it's the only thing that doesn't make sense to me I suppose. I'm successful career wise when I put my mind to something. It's the connecting with the opposite sex that feels like algebra all over again. I took honors at the beginning of high school and by the time I got out I think I had taken the same class quite a few times. It just happens that way I guess.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Finger Counting
I'm currently talking to the guy who was my 2nd kiss.
1. My first kiss recently became engaged so it has me tailspinning into a High Fidelity like existence. Making list and what not. They shouldn't be together. More for her sake than for his. He did so many things he shouldn't have.
2.The 2nd one is proving to be unregrettable. I didn't know him but we seem to have a lot in common. He's in a college town and not a twenty something college student. He's non judgemental and he has recently cut his hair making him more attractive.
3. The third one I don't think about.(yeah right) His business card is still on the floormat on the passenger side of my car. People step on it when they get it. Perhaps I have been too busy to throw it out. Perhaps I am mildly amused that this thing he created is getting stepped on. My new room has me wishing I didn't buy him glow in the dark stars.I always liked them up until now.
4. The guy I kissed because he wouldn't kiss me though he obviously wanted to and to prove 3 didn't mean anything. It was the worse kiss to date. He is currently dating one of my best friends.
5. Same occupation as 3 among other similarities. Also trying once again to prove 3 didn't matter. We still talk. The whole situation is how 3 should have gone down had I not gotten emotionally attached and was more practiced in not caring about people.
6. Tall. Grey sweater.
7. Kept telling my friends I liked him, but I don't. Had already kissed 6, so figured why not kiss 7.
8,9,10 TBD
1. My first kiss recently became engaged so it has me tailspinning into a High Fidelity like existence. Making list and what not. They shouldn't be together. More for her sake than for his. He did so many things he shouldn't have.
2.The 2nd one is proving to be unregrettable. I didn't know him but we seem to have a lot in common. He's in a college town and not a twenty something college student. He's non judgemental and he has recently cut his hair making him more attractive.
3. The third one I don't think about.(yeah right) His business card is still on the floormat on the passenger side of my car. People step on it when they get it. Perhaps I have been too busy to throw it out. Perhaps I am mildly amused that this thing he created is getting stepped on. My new room has me wishing I didn't buy him glow in the dark stars.I always liked them up until now.
4. The guy I kissed because he wouldn't kiss me though he obviously wanted to and to prove 3 didn't mean anything. It was the worse kiss to date. He is currently dating one of my best friends.
5. Same occupation as 3 among other similarities. Also trying once again to prove 3 didn't matter. We still talk. The whole situation is how 3 should have gone down had I not gotten emotionally attached and was more practiced in not caring about people.
6. Tall. Grey sweater.
7. Kept telling my friends I liked him, but I don't. Had already kissed 6, so figured why not kiss 7.
8,9,10 TBD
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Review
How to I even describe the last few months of my life?
It was quite poetic walking around the day after the fest as all the snow melted. I enjoy the sound of running water. This snow had created all this drama and work and here it was, melting when it felt like it.
I missed the fest. I was so caught up in dealing with the problems and trying to help that I missed everything I loved about it I think. It was the first time it ever felt like work. Everyone kept comparing me to a mom. After reuniting multiple volunteers with their lost items I really do feel like a mom. It's hard. It's about sacrifice and I know it doesn't have to be. It's funny. It's 9 months until we start planning the next one. (Minus all the conversations already had)
Now what?
The best thing about working events like this is not having to think about anything else. Like how I'm turning 27 soon. Like I'm not sure what it means to like someone. It's not the guy you get physically close to, it's not the guy who has absolute faith in you or the guy who sees you as the person you could be and it's not even the guy who can't look at you because it makes him smile which makes his tooth hurt. It's none of those. So then who is it suppose to be?
I had to kept telling people I couldn't see the fest anymore. I couldn't figure out how the experience was for everyone else because I was so involved in the little things going wrong. I think that's like me in general. I can't figure out how I'm seen by others.
Suppose it doesn't matter.
I miss sleep.
It was quite poetic walking around the day after the fest as all the snow melted. I enjoy the sound of running water. This snow had created all this drama and work and here it was, melting when it felt like it.
I missed the fest. I was so caught up in dealing with the problems and trying to help that I missed everything I loved about it I think. It was the first time it ever felt like work. Everyone kept comparing me to a mom. After reuniting multiple volunteers with their lost items I really do feel like a mom. It's hard. It's about sacrifice and I know it doesn't have to be. It's funny. It's 9 months until we start planning the next one. (Minus all the conversations already had)
Now what?
The best thing about working events like this is not having to think about anything else. Like how I'm turning 27 soon. Like I'm not sure what it means to like someone. It's not the guy you get physically close to, it's not the guy who has absolute faith in you or the guy who sees you as the person you could be and it's not even the guy who can't look at you because it makes him smile which makes his tooth hurt. It's none of those. So then who is it suppose to be?
I had to kept telling people I couldn't see the fest anymore. I couldn't figure out how the experience was for everyone else because I was so involved in the little things going wrong. I think that's like me in general. I can't figure out how I'm seen by others.
Suppose it doesn't matter.
I miss sleep.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
