The Late Men

I am 27. In my head that sounds like the age I start figuring stuff out, but I think every year is like that. I have just come back from SXSW and a stint in San Antonio with America's Got Talent.

Sxsw started off rocky as I was ditched by the friend I was staying with. I ended up talking to this guy I knew from Sundance that took me back to his ranch. He laughed all the way home 8. Saying it was weird how trusting I was. That probably should have been a red flag or five. Later I would notice he had a quasi tribal tattoo. Which would have been helpful to know before everything.

I was at a venue with all electronic music. I would realize this made me super cranky. The bouncer also got drunk to the point where he couldn't form full sentences. This would also make me cranky.

All hope was not lost in Austin though. My roomies both had films there. I got to see one of them. It moved me deeply. Reminded me a lot of her and made me realize how much I'm not dealing with losing her. Maybe that's why they do that whole open casket thing. So there's no pretending like the next time you go to their house they'll still be there. When we were at her house for Christmas she gave me my birthday present too. Maybe she was more aware than me as to what was happening. I was so clueless. She had such faith in me. I disappoint myself when I have self doubt because I feel like I'm disagreeing with her or something.

I have to use real names here. I have early online journals where I just use "he" and "she" a lot and have no clue who I'm talking about. There was a guy at my venue one night that look so much like Curtis. I didn't think that existed. His eyes, the way his smile turns up. Gag worthy I know. My body had the same reaction as I get when I read his name. I tried to tell myself maybe it's my genetic make up to react to people who look that way and Curtis didn't mean anything. I kept trying to compare him to the cowboy with the tribal tattoo who didn't care about me. That's what we were suppose to mean to each other, nothing. It's like driving a car and trying to constantly overcorrecting. Eventually I will drive straight. Mostly I think of him to reflect on myself. It's crazy, a year ago he was telling me we shouldn't talk anymore. I know he wasn't thinking it was right before my birthday. He never cared like that. He would text a few days later saying there was something he needed to say but couldn't think of what. It was always based on what he needed. So  it's not him I miss. It was amusing at this years Sundance when he did the same thing and I knew exactly what to expect. It's just a good measuring stick I suppose. How comfortable I am with myself now compared to two years ago. The different people I am willing to talk to. The experiences I expose myself to. I think it's ok not to regret things.

When he left, the thing I held on to the hardest was this email he wrote me once. I don't think he was lying even though he would take it back later. I started to feel sorry myself because I didn't get to hear all these wonderful things he use to tell me, but it wasn't true. I get to hear them still. That very day strangers I had never worked with before told me things he had told me. Not to brag or anything. They just mentioned how they thought I was sweet and unusual and questioned if this is how I always am. I can only be one way, it would be too hard to try and be anything else. Sometimes I complain to Frank that I don't want to be special. I feel like I don't fit in and I don't fit any definition. It's hard because I don't see how I'm that different from anyone else. Even when it comes to the way I dress people say I'm unusual.

I have been given amazing opportunities. I wish I were more grateful for them and fully immersed in all their moments. I get to go back to the Sundance Labs. Telluride offered me a position almost "on the spot." That was amazing. I felt like I was king of the mountain after that. I felt like if I kept going to the festival eventually I could create so many new memories the ones of him would go away. Maybe that's true. Life has been easier since I tried to stop memorizing every detail.

9. I made out with an Irish director at sxsw. He would grab my face and tell me I was amazing and wonderful and he loved my red hair. He was sloshed but lovely. He said he wanted to cuddle. I told him he was full of words and he told me words have weight. It was near St. Patricks Day so I questioned if he was really a leprechaun. It was a nice experience that didn't mean much. Past me would have beaten myself up over it.

1. An old friend asked me if I was happy he was becoming a family man. I didn't know what to say to him. I know I don't fit into his future life. I'm not sure what would qualify us as being friends. It always seemed mostly one sided. I gave, he took. I seem to be good at finding those types.


All this is a lot of talk about boys. It's because it's the only thing that doesn't make sense to me I suppose. I'm successful career wise when I put my mind to something. It's the connecting with the opposite sex that feels like algebra all over again. I took honors at the beginning of high school and by the time I got out I think I had taken the same class quite a few times. It just happens that way I guess.