Cockroaches

A fellow showed her film here, Art Hard. There was this running phrase through it that we all have our cockroaches. It means we're all a little crazy. That seems to be a common thing to say lately.

I woke up exhausted. My hair is a mess. Yesterday walking to work set me off. A 15 minute walk down the mountain where I try not to think of the guys face on the concrete and how I didn't do anything about it.

The past two nights I dreamed of Curtis. The first night he sent me a postcard telling me it would be alright and the second I happened to wander on to him in Vegas painting a mural and he didn't ignore me like I though he would. He wanted my attention. Both times I woke up shortly after feeling comforted and then sad that it wasn't real.

Yesterday afternoon I realized it wasn't him in my dream saying I would be ok. It's me. Talking to myself. I try not to feel crazy but this mountain is so quiet.

I feel like I feel everything all the time.

People tell me guys treat me the way they do because of my job. Gypsies are only good for one night stands I suppose. That's not me though.

Another man called me sweet the other day. In my head it means that Im putting more thought into something than someone else. In the back of my head I know it's just baggage though.

I wish I had my sketchbook here.

Wear your helmet.

People keep asking if I'm okay. What am I suppose to say? It's not like you can make it better.

I saw a terrible motorcycle accident yesterday. Barely away from work. Few miles at most. The car that hit them almost hit me. Not in the melodramatic way but in a, I swerved onto the shoulder so they wouldn't hit me. I stared in my mirror and watched a guy laying on the cement. I was naive.

I thought he wasn't moving because they were waiting for help. That he would be okay. He's not. He wasn't wearing a helmet. There was another body and the distance. His kid apparently, 12 years old. He was wearing a helmet, thank god.

I just sat there on the shoulder. I watched as people on the other side of the highway got out of their cars and looked around. I didn't know what to do. Helping them would have mean me crossing two lanes of traffic on the highway.

I drove a few minutes until I got to a parking lot afraid to turn off at the side of the road.

Uturns are legal anywhere you can make them in Utah apparently.

I stayed at the gas station for an hour talking to my mom and my grandma.

I turned back to work and the highway was a parking lot.

I passed the spot. The bike was still out. The road was spattered. It was blood. It looked like paint, but it's blood.

I got back and my coworker made a joke about how at least no animals were hurt because that would be horrible.

It wouldn't be til later my mom and grandma both told me the news story.

I remembered the color of the car wrong.

I've written a lot of I's in this entry. It's hard to tell what is acceptable in this circumstance. Am I allowed to be upset? Because I keep randomly crying.People can't say much to you.

I had to walk 20 minutes down the mountain to lunch on the side of a road today. I freaked out after I saw a car and two motorcycles pass me at the same time in one lane. Oddly enough, I don't feel safe.

I cant imagine what that kid is going through. My heart breaks for him.

A month before I came out here I became anxious driving sometimes. I kept seeing someone sidewipe me so clearly. Like how it happened yesterday if I hadn't gotten out of their way.

People love that phrase, it is what it is.

Sundance Labs

I feel incredibly loved.

But tired. Hopefully I can put this all into words.

******
12 hours later when Im awake enough:

The labs are like a really awesome summer camp. It's kinda like True/False but almost better because Im not going crazy with responsibility. Here I can be exactly who I want to be.

Earlier I was going a little crazy. Thinking I didn't deserve this experience. I think that's the biggest thing I have to over come. Accepting that I deserve all the great things that come to me in this life. That I am awesome at what I do.

I don't know that I ever set out to do what I do but at the same time it's exactly what I wanted.

I love being around this creative family and the opportunity we get to create our own little world on this beautiful mountain.

When I go here people told me I had a magic in me. Maybe they're right.

Dont ever let your mind stop you from having a good time. -JM

Eagle Feathers

I wasn't going to post but I'm wired. I remember this time last year we all had crazy dreams our first week on the mountain, it will probably happen again.

I'm alone in this huge mountain home for a few days. I'm almost use to being alone in strange places besides a new friend asking me if I'll be scared of the rehabbers next door trying to break in.

This place is like a warm bath. (Yeah, Empire Records) When I let go of all my fears that I won't be right for the job or what not, I have an amazing time. It's like a constant trust fall game.

I officially signed on to do Telluride this year. After 3 years they are taking care of everything for me. Which makes me feel great. They want me there and are putting in the effort. So cool. And Americas Got Talent said they would work around it which makes me feel even more amazing.

I started reading Tolles book again. It was the same one I read and spoke to Mraz about. It's a good read. It confirms what I already knew in my head but chose to ignore. It kinda rewires your brain.

I wish I had loved Curtis less selfishly.And when I talk about him it is really a battle with my ego because he's been gone for a year now. I wish I could have appreciated the moment while I was in it better. It's why I don't regret letting this Irish boy kiss me. He grabbed my face and said I was amazing and I told him those were just words but he kept asking if I was happy with the moment. And I was.

Now he and I talk about his short film and films in general and cliches. It's great.

I'm so grateful for the people around me. And for them allowing me the safe place to become who I am.

I like the way the word immensely feels on my tongue.

I would like to start enjoying the world immensely

Not for the Ipad user

Fact: This weekend in Chicago will be the highest concentration of boys I have kissed. Which isn't really saying much but is of great amusement since I've only kissed one boy in Chicago.  Yay for the world of gypsies.

Maybe someday I won't count kisses.

I do write about other things dear internet. I start a page of a journal every time I go somewhere. I go a lot of places, too bad I can't keep it in the same book.

I'm nervous about this weekend but it should be fun. There has been no planning. It's funny the girls I know are so free spirited. It's the boys saying they have to deal with real life and need a schedule.

I'm glad I am with the people I am. My family takes me to the airport and bus station at the drop of a hat. Friends of friends give me keys to their houses. I've always associated keys with love. I have keys to houses across the country. One day I hope to give it all back.


Bus station calls.

Riding the wave

First I just got back from NYC. I had been doing fine and then I remember why I was dreading being there. Because it was the last time the boy I liked liked me back. Kinda. I sent a picture of a building to him once and he said he missed me. It's stupid, I'm aware but there is what you know is logical and then there's how you feel. It was then he told me he was skyping with a teenage transgender or something  and I questioned why he never wanted more from me. All our communication was texting. He told me maybe it would be easier when he moved into his grandmothers house. That he was working on things. Getting to a steady place.

I'm almost through the anniversaries of everything. It's a little odd how many days I marked with things we did or said. My little brother told me he wants to show me a new game he was playing. I knew what it would be before I saw it. Robot Unicorn. The same stupid game his kid was playing when I went to his studio and one of my best friends and him continued a conversation while I sat there feeling entirely awkward because I never knew who I was to him. He didn't know. You don't tell a girl you couldn't care less about that she would make a good wife and mother and then let her walk to the bus stop alone. He felt bad when I told him about the guy who approached that night. He was use to feeling bad though. The ex that sexually assaulted in Italy I think it was. The step mother that misbehaved. He never seemed to believe the good in women. He saw a light in me. It was there before him. It's taken a hell of a long time for me to realize it's still there. I always overwhelmed him.

I made the mistake of backing up old text. He renamed me Mike in his phone. That was hurtful. It was weird he didn't know that was wrong. He was lying to Megan by not having my real name there. He was hiding me and not willing to admit it. I kept telling him my schedule and he replied with "I just don't know why you're being so pushy and weird when it's clear we can't hang out until Monday."  Funny, I wasn't the one renaming people in my phone.

There is a certain kind of hurt I never felt before. It had nothing to do with being naked in front of someone and everything to do with being emotional honest and open with someone. I held no punches with him. I trusted him completely from the first second I met him. I asked a mutual friend if he was who I thought he was- she spoke highly of him. I don't think they were the same as the two of us. Now I know the difference. There is Curtis and Frank. Frank wouldn't let me walk the 20 ft home when I met him. He slept on the floor so I could sleep on his bed. We still talk. He has absolute faith in me even when I am not so confident in my abilities he is. Lately I've really enjoyed the words Faith and Grace. Faith: Complete trust.

I worry about retaining emotional baggage from Curtis. At weak points I wonder how it ended this way.  I didn't know how someone leaving you felt. It reminds me of when I was in sxsw and called up this guy I had met at Sundance when I needed a house. He let me stay the night at his place but he laughed all the way home at how trusting I was. I can't not trust though. It's not in the core of who I am. I know I talked about it before. But if I made everyone prove themselves to me I think it would be completely exhausting and takes away the faith you can have in your fellow human beings. I would let myself get hurt all over again if it meant finding someone I can express myself honestly to.

How it ended:

"Megan asked me not to see you. She has been paying attention to you online for a long time. She sees this for what it is more clearly than I am capable of. She knows that it is an unmatched yoke. I'm going to get myself in shape and ask her to marry me. I can't have girlfriends anymore. I see the badness of what this is, and I repent of it. Poof You are not bad. I like you. But everything to do with you is off my path. And vice versa. The only woman I should be concerned with is the mother of my child. You would make such a wonderful mom and wife. You're dedicated, loyal, affectionate, etc. these are all things I love about you" I still think it's creepy his ex was following me. Earlier he told me I wasn't the girl on the side that he was living like a bachelor. I hope he realizes that isn't the case if his ex/current felt threatened by me. The year of 26 was about letting go though. I see that it's not me quitting on him or anything. The relationship- not in the romantic sense, but any sense wasn't a failure on my part. I do think of him less. Part of me wishes he hadn't been the one to bring up motherhood and wifedom. Thoughts that had never occurred to me before him. I had to let go of more important things than him. My grandmother died. I am really in a state of shock even mentioning it. I've managed to stay busy so long that I could pretend she will still be at her house when I go over. She had given me my birthday present early the last time I saw her and gave me the pendant she was wearing when I commented that I liked it. She had complete faith in me. Sometimes I feel like Curtis was the only thing I've set my mind to and didn't get. My first kiss got engaged last month. As well as the first boy I ever liked. It all feels like water rushing by as I watch everything drift away. I'm suppose to go to Chicago soon. There are three men there that have said they would hook up with me. One has even said he would as long as I don't buy him presents or fall head over heels. That's the part I like though. The investing in someone part. I always described the way I felt about Curtis as head over heels but that doesn't seem so stable does it? He was a great learning experience if nothing else. I don't entirely expect to find anyone else. Not that he was the end all be all but I think it's going to take time to find the right person. I'm not the kind of girl that is with just anyone. It's funny ever since high school it has been reoccurring theme in my life that people say I need a real man. What does that even me? Why wouldn't every woman need a real man? I'm not on a search for one. I figure if the right guy is out there he has to have his adventures like I have to have mine. Like how a rock only becomes smooth once it's batted around for awhile. We're carving out the people we are suppose to be. I guess that's what I kind of feel like. Curtis once said I was lost. Well, that we were wandering. But I am fairly certain I've always known who I was. Deep down. I'm just chipping the outside of the rock away. Creating some sculpture. Maybe I don't know what it looks like yet. You have to go with the shape of the rock to create something that will last you know? I am proud of who I am. I'm slowly becoming more aware of who that is. I've gone leaps and bounds the last few years. I am very close to loving my body the whole time. I enjoy my style. I am still amused that people think I have a distinct style. I would like to be more humble. When I found out the company that had fired Curtis wanted to hire me I did a short victory jump in my head. Like I won the mountain, but that is way bad karma so I am trying to change my mind on how I handle that. I don't want to operate from a place of hurt. I would much rather operate out of love always. I always thought it was crazy when people said don't take things personally. I think I'm learning what that means though. I only want to be around the people that want me to succeed and have faith in me. Because I have faith in the people I choose to surround me. Mad Love L