Riding the wave

First I just got back from NYC. I had been doing fine and then I remember why I was dreading being there. Because it was the last time the boy I liked liked me back. Kinda. I sent a picture of a building to him once and he said he missed me. It's stupid, I'm aware but there is what you know is logical and then there's how you feel. It was then he told me he was skyping with a teenage transgender or something  and I questioned why he never wanted more from me. All our communication was texting. He told me maybe it would be easier when he moved into his grandmothers house. That he was working on things. Getting to a steady place.

I'm almost through the anniversaries of everything. It's a little odd how many days I marked with things we did or said. My little brother told me he wants to show me a new game he was playing. I knew what it would be before I saw it. Robot Unicorn. The same stupid game his kid was playing when I went to his studio and one of my best friends and him continued a conversation while I sat there feeling entirely awkward because I never knew who I was to him. He didn't know. You don't tell a girl you couldn't care less about that she would make a good wife and mother and then let her walk to the bus stop alone. He felt bad when I told him about the guy who approached that night. He was use to feeling bad though. The ex that sexually assaulted in Italy I think it was. The step mother that misbehaved. He never seemed to believe the good in women. He saw a light in me. It was there before him. It's taken a hell of a long time for me to realize it's still there. I always overwhelmed him.

I made the mistake of backing up old text. He renamed me Mike in his phone. That was hurtful. It was weird he didn't know that was wrong. He was lying to Megan by not having my real name there. He was hiding me and not willing to admit it. I kept telling him my schedule and he replied with "I just don't know why you're being so pushy and weird when it's clear we can't hang out until Monday."  Funny, I wasn't the one renaming people in my phone.

There is a certain kind of hurt I never felt before. It had nothing to do with being naked in front of someone and everything to do with being emotional honest and open with someone. I held no punches with him. I trusted him completely from the first second I met him. I asked a mutual friend if he was who I thought he was- she spoke highly of him. I don't think they were the same as the two of us. Now I know the difference. There is Curtis and Frank. Frank wouldn't let me walk the 20 ft home when I met him. He slept on the floor so I could sleep on his bed. We still talk. He has absolute faith in me even when I am not so confident in my abilities he is. Lately I've really enjoyed the words Faith and Grace. Faith: Complete trust.

I worry about retaining emotional baggage from Curtis. At weak points I wonder how it ended this way.  I didn't know how someone leaving you felt. It reminds me of when I was in sxsw and called up this guy I had met at Sundance when I needed a house. He let me stay the night at his place but he laughed all the way home at how trusting I was. I can't not trust though. It's not in the core of who I am. I know I talked about it before. But if I made everyone prove themselves to me I think it would be completely exhausting and takes away the faith you can have in your fellow human beings. I would let myself get hurt all over again if it meant finding someone I can express myself honestly to.

How it ended:

"Megan asked me not to see you. She has been paying attention to you online for a long time. She sees this for what it is more clearly than I am capable of. She knows that it is an unmatched yoke. I'm going to get myself in shape and ask her to marry me. I can't have girlfriends anymore. I see the badness of what this is, and I repent of it. Poof You are not bad. I like you. But everything to do with you is off my path. And vice versa. The only woman I should be concerned with is the mother of my child. You would make such a wonderful mom and wife. You're dedicated, loyal, affectionate, etc. these are all things I love about you" I still think it's creepy his ex was following me. Earlier he told me I wasn't the girl on the side that he was living like a bachelor. I hope he realizes that isn't the case if his ex/current felt threatened by me. The year of 26 was about letting go though. I see that it's not me quitting on him or anything. The relationship- not in the romantic sense, but any sense wasn't a failure on my part. I do think of him less. Part of me wishes he hadn't been the one to bring up motherhood and wifedom. Thoughts that had never occurred to me before him. I had to let go of more important things than him. My grandmother died. I am really in a state of shock even mentioning it. I've managed to stay busy so long that I could pretend she will still be at her house when I go over. She had given me my birthday present early the last time I saw her and gave me the pendant she was wearing when I commented that I liked it. She had complete faith in me. Sometimes I feel like Curtis was the only thing I've set my mind to and didn't get. My first kiss got engaged last month. As well as the first boy I ever liked. It all feels like water rushing by as I watch everything drift away. I'm suppose to go to Chicago soon. There are three men there that have said they would hook up with me. One has even said he would as long as I don't buy him presents or fall head over heels. That's the part I like though. The investing in someone part. I always described the way I felt about Curtis as head over heels but that doesn't seem so stable does it? He was a great learning experience if nothing else. I don't entirely expect to find anyone else. Not that he was the end all be all but I think it's going to take time to find the right person. I'm not the kind of girl that is with just anyone. It's funny ever since high school it has been reoccurring theme in my life that people say I need a real man. What does that even me? Why wouldn't every woman need a real man? I'm not on a search for one. I figure if the right guy is out there he has to have his adventures like I have to have mine. Like how a rock only becomes smooth once it's batted around for awhile. We're carving out the people we are suppose to be. I guess that's what I kind of feel like. Curtis once said I was lost. Well, that we were wandering. But I am fairly certain I've always known who I was. Deep down. I'm just chipping the outside of the rock away. Creating some sculpture. Maybe I don't know what it looks like yet. You have to go with the shape of the rock to create something that will last you know? I am proud of who I am. I'm slowly becoming more aware of who that is. I've gone leaps and bounds the last few years. I am very close to loving my body the whole time. I enjoy my style. I am still amused that people think I have a distinct style. I would like to be more humble. When I found out the company that had fired Curtis wanted to hire me I did a short victory jump in my head. Like I won the mountain, but that is way bad karma so I am trying to change my mind on how I handle that. I don't want to operate from a place of hurt. I would much rather operate out of love always. I always thought it was crazy when people said don't take things personally. I think I'm learning what that means though. I only want to be around the people that want me to succeed and have faith in me. Because I have faith in the people I choose to surround me. Mad Love L