Lace 2014

My jobs are like summer camp. I haven't seen my coworkers from NYC since September and we can't stop emailing each other. It's completely like family. Along with my festival friends who are so on the same page as me. It's crazy that we're scattered all through the country but be so similar. Fest life I guess.

In an odd turn of events. Back in the day I found pen pals in chatrooms. Which is probably more than a downfall than I originally anticipated. Anyway, I had this friend who told me a story with this odd phrase. I googled the phrase and found her. I found a blog where she said she had being grateful I was her friend and she made a comment that I always seemed to think I didn't make sense. I was like ahhh! a decade of me belittling myself. Stop that! Also, I found out she's friends with this guy I work with at the fest. Small, small world. Anyway.

Tomorrow is new years eve. I wasn't going to resolve to do anything but I know exactly what I have to do. 2014 I am going to be sexy! Even now I blush at that but I need to stop. I want to own my sexuality and not be so confused by it. I want to form meaningful relationships with people. I have two examples of the type of woman I want to be. (Keep in my I still haven't considered myself a woman yet- girl yes. But it always sounded strange when a guy refers to me as a woman.) Anyway, the first one I met when I ran off to Indiana right after college. She was so giving and such a hippy. She ran off to Southern California. We've met up in NYC last. She has blossomed into such an awesome woman. She owns her curves and says her opinions and is sculpting the life she wants. It has been amazing to watch. The other friend I have is an actress on Broadway. We have a similar funkiness to us. Watching her on stage is always amazing. She is so professional in everything she does. She oozes sex.

And sex doesn't mean slutty. It's about awareness. Confidence.

I have little to worry about now. I have a savings. Debt free. It's kinda crazy. Complete freedom. No excuses. I want to take care of myself. I want to use my body and cherish it.

I have always known who I am. Time to chip away at it.

Present.

I will write this in a journal.

I wanted to write before yesterday too but yesterday gives me reason enough.

My roommates have been out of town leaving me alone in a huge house, which becomes quite scary at night because the living room is mostly windows and we live off the beaten path a little. Last night I slept well though. My grandmother stopped by on her way from Springfield to St. Louis.

It's kind of odd how life has put us in similar positions. Suddenly she found herself splitting time inbetween two places not being able to call either one home. I haven't had a home in awhile. I kind of squeeze in where I can at my parents house. Even when I was there in high school I was living in an unfinished room that wasn't too comforting. I find the feelings I get from seeing old friends much more comforting than any four walls I've been in lately.

I was having a hard time at work. It's kind of silly why. It was because it has been too easy this year. That's right. I sat in the office with two of my bosses getting emotional because I haven't felt utterly crushed like last year. They gave me another assistant this year. They finally gave me my business cards too. Giving my grandmother the first business card I've had in my life was pretty awesome. She was so excited. Because she has helped me get to here.

I was really emotional at my high school graduation. My dad showed up and no one told me he was going to. I literally sobbed in the car for quite awhile. I remember after I saw him I saw a funeral procession and thought it was fitting for the mood I was in. I think I was upset because he hadn't helped me get to there. 13 years of public school that he wasn't around for. Why did he show up at the end? It's the same way I felt about Tim being at my college graduation, to a lesser agree but I've never been wholly supported by the men in my life until later. I could tell I was jealous a little of how comfortable my sister Jessica is around Jeff. How he's at all her games. Clearly he's not incapable of love, it just didn't work out for me. I still get jealous of the commercial for some jewelry company when the guy proposes to the women or something and then also gives jewelry to her daughter too. I compare it to the time Tim proposed to my mother by making her breakfast and said I could have the leftovers, if there was any. They even got married in Vegas. Without me.

That's probably why single dads don't scare me. I appreciate their devotion to their kids and putting their kids before being someone because I have been that kid before.

Anyway, that's not really the point of all this. For Christmas my grandmother paid off my student loan. The one I thought I would pay off for the next decade. It is actually in my mother's name but I've been paying on all my loans no matter who's name was on it. My mom said she had planned on helping me but she stopped working when my siblings were born and Tim. Well, I don't get it. He doesn't feel responsible for me I guess. I don't need him to feel that way. When I was out of college he drove quite the wedge between me and home. He said I had to pay rent of $200 for any stay over 10 days at the house. Keep in mind, I've never been a slacker. Keep in mind he crashed at my mom's apartment for years never paying anything. He told me that the men involved in scouting compared it to indians or something all contributing to the tribe. I slept in my car to avoid being home more than 10 days. It was dropped eventually. Maybe because I never stayed longer, I'm not sure.

But I'm not here to dwell on the past. My grandmother just gave me the green light. I always said I wouldn't move to California without having paid off my loans because it was just so expensive. Now I'm just afraid. She told me not to be. But I have literally no excuse for anything now. With all the weirdness of my growing up I was still given everything I could of asked for because of my mom and my grandma.

I think the best way I can show how grateful I am to them is living a life unafraid. Unapologetic for who I am because I am amazing. There's part of me that doesn't want to say that, we're taught we should be humble and there is a part of life that requires that. But I'm tired of apologizing for who I am. Yes, I am still figuring things out. There are so many experiences I avoided for so long because I was afraid. But I am figuring it out. I deserve to live an amazing life that was started by the people who love me the most.

Tic

I don't know what to do.

I will start writing more things down in a journal. Honestly, in hopes that my future grandchildren or whatever are amused. Or maybe just for my later self to be amused.

I feel like I knew who I was so clearly when I began forming these ideas. It is okay that I don't now.But every time I regain a piece of me it's something that was there all along.

Work. Is not working out. Every email is personal and I hate that. I kind of have two bosses? They occasionally want to tell me what to do? It's frustrating. I know I am playing it safe now. I can feel it.

I run into people I haven't seen in awhile and they all tell me they enjoy hearing about my adventures. They don't know about this part of it I suppose. The part where I own no furniture. How my bedroom is lime green because I dont want to put in the effort of changing them if I'm just going to move. Last year was the year thinking I had a home outside of where I grew up only to realize this year that the safest place for home to be is in me otherwise I risk it changing or going away.

My old dorm from college is completely demolished. An old theater too. My high school band room door is non existent now. And tradition is completely gone because two of my grandmothers died this year and just going to their house was family tradition. They were the reason my family could put on our happy faces and faked it until we made it. One of my grandmas finally started giving me gift appropriate presents a few years ago too.

I spend so much of my time by myself.

On the boy front. You know, I just can't. A guy from tour started telling me he wants to impregnate me. I always thought he was joking about me coming to his room when he would shout it at me after we checked into hotels. Curtis was the first guy that ever felt like a viable option for me. Then again, maybe that was the safe option. It's way easier to love someone when they don't love you. Ali's dropped off the planet the past two weeks. I don't feel needy about our lack of contact. More concerned. I should be amused I heard from him more when he was traipsing around Africa than when he got back to Chicago. I seem to be that safety net for most of the men I run into. Some place holder until the real thing happens.

I know we tell people how to treat us. I just don't know what I'm saying. I illicit the same response from men. More times than not they think I would be a great one night stand and an awesome mother. Clearly I am not telling people the right things when it comes to how they treat me. I don't know how to treat me anymore.

I just have so much time to myself.

Always there

This blog hasn't been serving myself. I use to think it was an outlet but I think I need to move into a more positive place.

I found this on my computer circa 2005:

WHAT I WANT OUTTA LIFE

-many friends 

-live by a beach

-be around bands

-think of something new

-interact with young people

-have a leadership position

-at least a year to travel

Not so bad. It's the beach part I haven't done except for a few months. There's still time. I have a terrible memory. I forget that I've always known who I am. I don't know why I told myself this year that I didn't. I don't know why I would tell an ex friend that I wasn't successful. I am. I totally am. I am living the life people who love to have. I am living the life I wanted to have. 

And as far as boys. I told a single dad, artist type that I couldn't guarantee I would sleep with him so he decided he wouldn't come see me. I felt bad about it but now I realize it's what I wanted. I'm not some vagina box. (Im sad thats a reference to a sundance movie that is never going to be made) Along with the above list I found an IM conversation with a boy trying to get me to ask him to prom. I dont remember it at all. Hes now married to one of my best friends from HS. Go figure. I'm not single because no one wants me. Im single because I know what I want. I know what Im looking for and that's okay.

Im done apologizing. 

Im done thinking it's normal to just have sex with someone. Gross. Where is the fun in that. 

I want intimacy and lace and 3am conversations and slow dancing. God I want to slow dance.

It's weird. I had been dreaming about slow dancing. I dont know who with. When I was going through my old letters I had written about the same thing over a decade ago. I didn't remember it happening before but it's always been there.

I know who I am.

Misplaced Modesty

Though humbleness is oftentimes a virtue, we take it a step too far when we begin downplaying our strengths and accomplishments so as not to make others feel uncomfortable. The people that legitimately care about us will always appreciate those elements of our character that make us who we are and will never ask us to deny them. We, in turn, should allow ourselves to feel the pride that floods our hearts and minds as we mull over the goodness we have brought into being in the various spheres of our existence. This, coupled with the acknowledgment others give us when they hear of our exploits, can provide us with the encouragement and enthusiasm we need to pursue new lines of goal realization. You will feel less shy as you socialize today when you accept that the people around you truly are interested in your gifts

Bettie.

It has to be a little ironic right? That even though people have been telling me to write for years I chose that day to go to a restaurant and just write what came to my head. And that even though I told myself just to write anything nothing came. Except the thoughts of some past love I wished to forget. So instead I goggle writing exercises and land on a website with a button that says "personal prompts"

I click on it and the box is populated with the word "grandparents" Of course self involved me immediately brings it back to how I don't know if I know how to love because none of my family members seem to be having much success except for that of great grandpa and grandma Bettie when I get a phone call from my grandmother. She asked where I am because it sounds loud, I say restaurant.

And while it seemed mostly empty at the time maybe she is right, maybe it is loud because I dont hear much of what she is saying except that Grandma Bettie has died.

I immediately start packing up as the tears start to build. She is talking about what I want to do. Do I want to drive with her or drive with my mother because my mother probably wont want to drive alone. And I just keep saying whatevers best.

A few hours later I am sitting here writing this. I've poured myself some whiskey. Which makes me feel a little better. Not just because of the obvious but because it was given to me at a state penitentiary. Which reminds me of my great grandpa who was a prison guard. Him and Grandma Bettie raised my grandmother and her siblings on Alcatraz for a bit. There's a certain toughness in my family. A stubbornness. Sometimes I think it's a downfall but today it doesnt feel so bad. She was 98 when she died.

She left

I played You are My Sunshine over and over on my harmonica until I started getting all the notes wrong.

27 is proving to be a tougher time than originally anticipated.

I was cleaning my room yesterday and decided not to discard her birthday card to me.

When I found out I tried to think of what the last postcard was that I sent to her and why does it seem to be that when I think of sending another card  to a person and then dont because I dont have their address memorized, they disappear.

He was still the only one I really wanted to tell.

People here are busy with boyfriends and what not.

I just didnt want him to say anything hurtful. Not like this.

I want to go to the gym but Im afraid Ill start crying in the middle of sweating or something.

Why am I always lost lately.

Thirsty

I am not particularly happy. I'm not sure I ever am and yet I probably am. Every time I think I'm sad now I get flashbacks as a kid in highschool. Choosing to sit on a cement stoop watching an empty flagpole clang about. How I did that walking home from Radio City too. There's this quiet emptiness inside me that most of the time I enjoy but sometimes I choose to kick and scream about.

The constant feeling of being a latchkey kid. Before my mom was always working and I had to wait. I remember so clearly having her heel sounds memorized as she rounded the apartment we lived in. In a time where there was no cable. Only Ricky Lake. Now she's generally gone because of the PTO or church. I've always been excited to be a big sister.I worry I am not there enough for them but life isn't set up to have siblings 12 years apart grow up together.

I am surrounded by couples. I think people in a couple forget that their other isn't them. I do not want your boyfriend to see me in my pjs in my house. My friends have all admitted in the past few days of using my exploits as a source of amusement between them and their other. One other suggested I must be an imaginary friend because I don't sound real. I will try not to tell them as much.

I dont reread what Ive written. I am not even sure who these entries are for really.

But it's there. Should someone need them someday.

L

Some interesting title here

Day Two of actually going to the gym. Yay I guess? I figured I have a lot of time now so might as well spend it walking in place? Hot right?

My roomie has a dog named Banjo. This works for me. I need a friend without commitment and she works fifty million jobs. Win.

It's rough coming home. The transition into non-15 hour days. No one telling me when or what to eat.

I know it's time for the next step. Whatever that step may be.

I try not to waste my youth too much.

I worry too much.

Staying Put

I just spent my night reading half of Patti Lapone's bio in a sports bar on a Saturday night. It was a good choice. My roomies are having a dinner party and I always feel more than anti social when I settle in back at home. Everyone here is a couple and do ordinary, daily life things. I can't begin to comprehend it or feel comfortable in it.

I think that's why it felt weird when Chicago boy and I holed up together. I mean, one of the many reasons. I just didn't know how to act. It was an act. I wanted to be housewifey. I cooked meals- I hadn't cooked in a year or something and as far as cooking for another person, probably never. His texts stopped coming in after that. It's only been a few days but I know how this goes. The idea of someone is much more attractive than the actual someone.

But how I enjoy the idea of someones. I love dwelling on Luke. I remember studying him before I knew him. He wore crazy socks, his eyes twitched as he read the script. You could tell he was making character choices before he said the lines at the read through. He was handsome and quirky at the same time. I decided he could totally play Curtis if I ever made a film about the whole thing. Oddly enough the script he was working on required him to be slightly into fetish and what not. It made me uncomfortable. Everyone ate it up though. I felt like suddenly they were as charmed by him as I was after that.

They told me I had to babysit him if we took him into town. I was all for it. Went up to him and told him what's what. He was game. We never introduced ourselves to each other. I think those are the best kinds of relationships. When you can skip the get to know yous. We're not besties by any means. But the other day he sent my Bob Dylan lyrics about playing the harmonica.I'm starting to play. I think it'll be good for me. I dont suspect I will ever master it. But I think I will enjoy it.

I'm 27. I don't know which way is up. I've been very lucky. I never feel lucky though. I mean, I rarely feel lucky. I still can't believe I stood centerstage at Radio City Music Hall. I think I'm more capable than I let myself believe. I want a new goal. I want to reach for something. I want to fail at something. I have no kids, no partner and being home makes me feel more "single" than ever. But I do like being single. I like leaving when I want to leave. I like not having to come to a group decision. It's just,there's a lot of alone time. People always say you should be comfortable with yourself and all that jazz. I wonder how much time they actually spend alone. Most of my friends have been in long time serious relationships for a hot second now. I know I come second to all of that. I'm constantly scheduled when boyfriends are away. It happens.

Ive been listening to my old mixed cds from high school. They make me really happy.

Sweet

So. I am back in the state Missouri.

I spent all summer working in NYC working at Radio City Music Hall. Week in Telluride. Weekend in STL. Two weeks in Milwaukee and then three weeks in Chicago. It's been hectic. I've learned a lot I think.

New York taught me how to say yes to a lot of situations. To go for things whole heartedly. I felt attractive there. I never bought a drink and even when I planned on it the bartenders would say it was on them, even the girls. NYC is full of young people creating, learning, growing- it was nice. Plus my AGT family is great and really believes in me. That's nice to be around. And I went out on my first date. A series of dates once the boy found out I was only in town for 2.5 weeks by the time we hung out. He was so assertive taking me to the highline and dive bars and twirling me around before he kissed me. We were suppose to keep talking once I left but a week after he said he couldn't do the distance thing. He felt bad but it was very upfront of him and sweet. We're still friends and he definitely added more standards to how I want to be treated.

Milwaukee is a great festival. Everyone there felt like family and looked out for each other. By the end of it not only were they demanding I come back next year but they wanted to put me in a higher position. It was terrific.

Chicago. Chicago was interesting. Living in a high rise. My favorite weather was fog so I could pretend I was living in a cloud. I tried to play domestic with the guy whose place I was staying at. He had just gotten back from Turkey/Greece/Africa/London tour. It reminded me of the last time I hung out with a guy at his house. We didn't know what to do with each other. I'm so use to going on adventures by myself that it got overwhelming at times. I also met a musician that was full of nice words and seemed sincere. I found out he was a single dad later which made me nervous. Not because I'm anti single dad but I could never put myself through babymama drama again and it almost seems inevitable.

I think I'm finally having to step into the role of woman and not just girl. It feels awkward. I want to treat myself better. Stop saying sorry. Figure out what I really want. Exercise. Write. Create. I can do it. I can feel it in me. That awesomeness that I know has to be there. I've been lucky to run into so many men that tell me these things too. Which probably sounds anti feminist or what not but this is the first time I've allowed men into my life in any capacity. I've started to realize the scars of not having a dad around. What it means to be fatherless. I don't regret it. I've stopped blaming myself and I'm growing. Slowly but surely. I can't wait to see what else is in store.

Waulkie

Dear friends,

I am in Milwaukee without a computer and I'm working crazy hours which leaves me not much time to post.

I am done with Curtis. Which is what he wants, but mostly it's because someone hit somebody in my family and it made me angry. And we don't deserve this kind of abuse. So if someone's not being a positive influence on me, I don't need to be around them. The day he told me I was a horrible person I never believed him. I knew people in my office would have flipped if they knew what was going on.I ended up for 15 minutes on the stage of Radio City Music Hall in front of thousands of people later that night. I am meant for great things.

There's a boy talking to me. I'm staying at his place and won't get to see him because he's going to Africa.

I also gave another boy a ride home last night, he kept trying to hold my hand while I was driving. Which should be in my movie. Cause it amused me.

We're making my short. Sometime.

But mostly I'm in Milwaukee.

Life is good.

L

RomCom

There is no question my life is a romantic comedy. Or disaster? Or something.

I decide to be anti-social last night and wander the city while listening to Les Mis. I start taking pictures of statues and lights or whatever only to end up under a chandelier. I start looking at the building I'm at. I stare at it a bit longer...

Morgan. Stanley. Really? I have little knowledge of the city and somehow I end up in front of the building where my first crush works. I liked him for seven years. We stopped talking...he stopped talking to me after his freshmen year in college. He use to call me while waiting for his soccer practice to start.

He's recently engaged. Has the job in the city. It's really great things have gone the way he wanted them to.

Of all the buildings in New York I end up in front of his.

Magnolias

Even my coworkers were amused at how this fit me today= )



September 15, 2013
Joyfully Gregarious
Aries Daily Horoscope
Gathering together with friends today is a celebration of life, and you may be feeling joyful and gregarious. This festive mood may make colors seem brighter while sunlight feels like the sun is smiling just for you. These are the days that we should tuck away in our memories, gathering the light to store for use on days when we’re feeling low. We may want to keep our cameras ready to capture the moments today to enjoy years from now to remind us of the vibrant selves that still live within us. Whether we have a camera or not, we can allow ourselves to be in the moment and capture today in our memories by fully enjoying the celebration of life, however it unfolds, today.

Your gregarious energy will enable you to share the joy you feel with others, lifting them up to see life the way you do. The most mundane chores can be made fun when we make life a game and laughter an essential ingredient of the day. You may find yourself missing someone far away, and seeking ways to bring them into your celebrations, even if it’s just by phone or e-mail. Today by celebrating life with others, you connect to your source and allow the weight of the world to fall away. Recharged, you are able to return to daily life a sense of lightness and a desire to reevaluate how you spend your time. Today you learn to make every day a celebration of life.
***

We went out the other night. It was interesting. I changed in MoMa into a dress because my friends made me hours late in my day.So I showed up like 15 minutes late after being stupid on the train. He took me to some bar where they had a screen outside. It was packed The bouncer kept yelling at everyone to shush.  I can't even remember what we talked about that night. We walked around a lot. Ended up on the highline holding hands. It was super windy so that was somewhat comical. He would spin me around then kiss me. He kept pointing out things I do. Like pulling him back when we were standing next to a busy street. Or how animated I am when I tell stories apparently. And how I laugh a lot.

 

That probably comes from being nervous.

 

He wanted to show me all of New York. I realized that's what I want in a man. Someone who wants to show me the world. Maybe they don't even have to. But I've always been attracted to people who can teach me things and challenge me. It was sweet. We ended up sitting in the backroom of a bar. It was pleasant. He started asking me all these questions. Personal questions I barely tell my friends anything about. He realized they made me uncomfortable and apologized. It came up that maybe I was on my first date with him. Not just with him, but with anyone. Which would lead to him randomly saying I can't believe you haven't been out on a date or you don't have a boyfriend all night.

 

Which lead to him telling me that I'm cute like 50 times. Which was nice, but I never really thought me being single was really anything to do with anything. I've had other things on my mind. Like catching trains and planes and what not. But slowly but surely these thoughts are being planted in my mind. I mean, I know they're already there. He told me I would make a good mom. I wonder how many girls get told that on a first date. He asked why we had started this now and we talked about the future. It hadn't occurred to me to think past that night. I've never had to do that. I mean, I tried to do that with someone else. But I shouldn't have I guess.

 

Sometimes I think I'm too romantic to ever fall in love.

 

I really like who I'm becoming.

You're Everything

Things that happen to me that may or may not happen to other people.

Guys will tell me I would make a great mom. Sometimes this happens the first time I go out with them. Others reserve that thought until right  before they decide to stop speaking to me.

I look like Topanga. Generally this use to just be drunk girls that said this, but it's spreading.

I will freak them out when they realize I'm "more innocent" than I thought. This should also be grouped with the fact that apparently guys think even though I'm a nice girl what I really want is to do them in the bathroom. I use to think I must be sending out these weird sexual signals I was unaware of but the older I get the more I think that it's on them.

I get told I'm like a therapist. It's not because I sit there spewing advice out or anything. I'm just an active listener I suppose. Sometimes I worry I'm just making other people do all the work but I think in general people like to have someone listen to them. I know I do. That's why going back to my family can be exhausting at times. In a good way. It's just everyone wants to catch me up on their lives while I've been gone. It gets hard since my immediate ties with their lives are few and far between.

My time in NYC is coming to an end. In less than a week. It's kind of crazy. It's been a really good trip. I've never felt more lucky. Friends open their homes to me. Take care of me. I always wonder what I did to deserve this. They're really great and I couldn't be who I am today if they weren't so generous.

I should start worrying about housing in Chicago probably. I think I just want to enjoy New York for the last few days

My Girl

I feel good, I think.

My time in NYC is coming to an end. The other day I went on what I think most people will call a date with a nice boy name Luigi. I had originally wanted to be his friend because I thought it would be awesome to have a friend with his name. We met at a friend's birthday party when he came and sat down with my entire group of girl friends with ease. It's really impressive to be around a confident man.

I got out of work early so I was hanging out with coworkers when we were suppose to go out that night. I was full of dread. I was not meant for dating. At least, that's what I tell myself. But it was a great night. He introduced himself to my coworkers and their girlfriends and my boss. He was interesting. He yelled at me for not remembering my state representative. I like guys that challenge me by being well read. We talked about families and what not. It was weird. Feeling typical. Feeling how you're suppose to feel at 27 I guess.

He's older. Which is fine. I'm use to that by now. Maybe I was meant to skip over 20 somethings.  Guess time will tell.

I do think I'm less afraid. Ish. I mean, I'm getting there. Trying to enjoy the present and the special moments. Not counting on my fingers anymore about this and that. Ill be a nice girl if I kiss one guy or five.

This is all sounding preteenish in my head, but I'm distracted.

Mad Love til next time

As it stands

Writing this from Radio City because it's a slow day.

Just got back from Telluride somewhat sick and sunburned. I only saw two films, but I got what I wanted from the experience anyway.

I went in there thinking even if nothing between us changed that I had the job. The fest had paid me to be there, so I belonged. I felt guilty for thinking that too but I was trying to figure out how to make it work.

I passed him. Then I stood there thinking I am in the middle of this mountain town. So much effort goes into getting here, I can't not. So I walked back and was surprised when he seemed to step in my direction though he was in conversation with someone else.

When he mumbled sorry it hadn't even occurred to me the last time we really talked was when he was saying we couldn't be friends. That is, of course, minus last year's conversation about coconut water. I really don't remember what else we talked about after that. I had thought about this conversation for more time than I would like to admit. All the mean things I could have said or something. But I didn't want to be mean. I just cared.

He looks different. More grey in his beard. Lost weight. I wanted to take care of him but I can't. You can't love a person into who you know they can be. That sounds so cheesy. He said he leaned on my positive opinion of him often, being around him always made me feel like a better person. I felt this light around me. Again, cheesy but true.

I wish I remember more of what we said that day.

The last day was nice too. I don't think he realizes how proud his kid is of him. She was telling the rest of the  kids in the park about him. It's funny the way she calls him "father."  So formal.

I appreciated him trying to amuse me. And I realized I miss his jokes. His awkwardness. How he can tell a joke and it takes me two seconds to understand it. Clever.

I liked the way she waved at me the last time I saw them walking.

It was overwhelming in a good way. We had been going through the trauma of liking someone, not liking someone, not being able to fit in with someone's life and then poof.  I thought it would be years before we talked again, but it wasn't. Suddenly, everything was fine. I felt like I have been given freedom. There's no excuses anymore. I can't be mad. Or hurt. It happened. I learned a lot.

 I should write more later.

Going the distance

I'm enjoying life.

Work was crazy yesterday. My left hand would be doing something while my right hand does something else. My boss's boss had to leave for a few days so she gave me more responsibilities. It's nice that they trust me so much. She says she's willing to pass the torch to me anytime. Last night this girl who works with all our talent said she can tell I'm good at my job. I mentioned I would love to help her out and our head person looks at me saying they would never give me up. Soo it's nice that my office loves me, but I hope its not holding me back. I am still learning a lot though. Aftra and Sag and DGA contracts oh my. And the guy I work for is really good at his job too. I work with a lot of bosses that love their team. I am really lucky.

I don't think I really mentioned going to see Murder Ballad last weekend. I saw Rebecca before she went on. I love watching her. She played the Narrator who tells us that someone is going to die. For the most part she's watching this love triangle happen until the end. When she starts becoming part of the story you realize that she's with one of the guys. But she doesn't matter to him which is why she isn't included before. She starts asking what the audience would do if someone erased you. I just smirked really. She was the murderer. To be sitting here relating to this. That's life though, you know. Art's enjoyable when you can connect with it. She's one of the only actors that could even make me want to slightly do what they do. She's just really great at her job. I could listen to her sing forever. And she's goofy. It's the best. Sometimes we have to go through things to get to the point we are at in the present. I'm in a really good spot.

Last night was the first night out with the team. It was a Christmas in July party. I like going out with the people I work with. They all liked how I dressed. Said it was unlike me. I guess. They played Nelly = )

On the walk home I thought I'd leave a rambley message on my friend's machine (now I feel old realizing it's not really "the machine" I mean cell phones are machines..) but he answered. He wouldn't hang up until I was home and I accidentally walked to Central Park before I went home. It was nice though. Getting to know someone is a  new experience for me and it's nice. And he's super honest and open and I enjoy communicating. Conversation is a dying art form.

It's very hot here.I think I will break out the oil pastels again. Hopefully they don't melt.

Mad Love and Whiskey

Lex

Radiohead

I am working from 8-8 these days. Luckily I work with people who are more friends than coworkers. And its in Radio City Music Hall sooo the theater geek in me feels happy no matter what. I never tried to get myself here. Maybe that's a lie. I can't decide how much effort I put into my career because it comes naturally to me.

My boss told me to put something on my list and when I said it was already there he teased me. Now he knows not to question my on-top-of-itness.

I feel different here. I mean, Im lucky that my place is so close to work. I get to enjoy my walk to work and walk past all these amazing theaters.I don't have time to rattle around within my head. There's no drama.

Email from Telluride. I officially have my flights booked! It means a lot to me that they are taking care of my travel now. It's full circle from having to get myself there the first year. I remember the interview for the job. I was crossing a street in California to catch a greyhound after tour and the guy kept asking me these bizarre interview questions. It seems like not that long ago but so much has happened since then. I do miss 4 live shows which bums me out and I know my bosses will be frustrated that Im gone for a week but luckily they understand. Im lucky to always work with such amazing people.

A guy from an old job sent me a text to night. Not sure why. It's always the wrong people that get me stuck in their heads. I always worry they just like me because of my career.

Mk. Nuff computer time.

Mad Love and all the stars

Lex

Brass Band

Once again Im in a hurry writing this.

Yesterday I spent all day with the Rooftop kids. I should really post pictures. We showed a doc about brass bands next to the water. It was right next to where the World Trade Towers were. I couldn't stop staring at the new building. The city has been engulfed by clouds for awhile now. Very gothem-esque.

I love working with volunteers. Everyone is so open and friendly generally. It was weird for me too. Everyone there who may of only worked a week with me a year ago were saying super nice things about me to everyone. I feel like I don't deserve the praise. I know I should learn to accept compliments. Working on it.

It was just so beautiful today.

Now Im off to grocery shop, draw in the park and see a friend in an awesome musical. Should be good.

I think its funny New Yorkers think Im crazy for walking everywhere.

Mad Love

L

Go for L

Ohhh NYC.

Trying to meet up with people. Oddly enough, Twitter is an interesting source of meeting interesting people accidentally. Ran into my friend on the street the first day working at Radio City. His tv show premiered that night too. Hadn't seen him since we were on tour.

Work has been slow. Its a good lesson for me though. I only feel useful running on high and I need to take the time to enjoy the slower times too. Also shaking off the feeling of feeling too broke. Cause I have money, just don't like spending it.

Men here are interesting. The first day someone returned my wallet, another carried my luggage and another struck up a nice conversation on the train. Not to say theyre all gentleman, Ive seen more guys look girls up and down too. Guess you can't have it all.

All in all it's nice staying busy. Tomorrow I get to go work for Rooftop Films. Excited to work with my Tribeca Family again.

A coworker said he didn't trust me because I have innocent eyes. Whatever that means.

Here I Go Again

I feel good.

I like feeling good this late at night because in the past- and I'm sure the future- it's so easy to feel lonely. I am always in a strange place you know? With people who are coworkers and friends but not with anyone looking out specifically for me.

I think NYC will feel good. There's a sense of fearlessness. You have to project fearlessness in a city so you don't get mugged or whatever.

I wish I would write these things when I am less distracted. Anyway.

Twice this week my friends have told me I don't seem like I want a relationship. Because of the traveling. They think friends with benefits fits my lifestyle better. I think everyone focuses on the "benefits" part of that phrase and not the friends part. That's the part I like.

I do think about the future. A lot. More so than people may think with my lifestyle. I think the things I'm doing will help me. I just don't know what it all means yet.

I want to be more confident in what I am doing. And speak up for myself more.

I packed my watercolors and oil pastels for NYC. I know Im in a balanced place when I can create art.

When I was done packing I wrote the perfect letter in my head to him and realized it's more for me. He doesn't need it. I feel closer to love when I can forgive things that have happened in the past. I mean, yeah- its a good thing for him too but really its for me. People aren't perfect. They don't know where their life is going to lead. While I don't know specifically where my life will go after this. I think deep down I do know whats going on. And when it's time, it will be time.


I should really start writing better here.

Mad Love

L

Splendid

I don't want to die. Not for like, the usual reasons. Like maybe it will be painful or something. I mean, yes, I'm terrified. But it's the after effects. The people going on with their lives. The people fighting over your stuff.
That's what I hate. More than the sadness, I hate the fighting it seems to lead to.

Bud Light Lime a Ritas are nasty. So is ice cream made with splenda. I didn't mean to buy the ice cream but it was the only vanilla based ice cream with chocolate in it. Now I am all sticky.

Fuck! You know?

Sean in his own way, not trying to be mean, called me hard to talk to and difficult and passionless and indirect yesterday. I opened an okcupid profile and it said my best country is Switzerland. So Sean was right.

I need to speak up. Everyone always things they're 100% right and they are entitled to that but, god, I always see all these different sides to things. Empathizing with people. Ugh.

What am I doing?

#lexandthecity

A boy made me cry yesterday. It was dumb.

I haven't seen him in two months and won't see him for another three so he penciled me in for an hour and a half of being social. Before I got there he was calling me indirect and asking if I really even wanted to grab a drink via text. Then he brought a coworker along, which he's done in the past and I asked for a warning about. He then proceeded to tell me I'm passionless, indifferent, difficult to talk to and asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up. All which made me feel uncomfortable and his friend kept asking me if he could buy me a shot to loosen me up. Finally I just walked out.

He said I took things wrong and he wasn't trying to be offensive. At some point I'm allowed to feel how I want to feel whether or not someone intended for me to feel that way. Right?

NYC is in a few days. If ever there were  a city to drown your sorrows in...

It's funny, I thought the past few days would be amazing. Fireworks at my roomies 63 annual 4th party were awesome. Yesterday I spent time on our lake. Watching the fish and seeing our turtle family has a new family member. Nature always makes me happy. It's so simple and it works. No babymamadrama or what not.

My brother also spent half an hour talking me through solving a rubiks cube the other day. I was amused by that. Makes me think he'll turn out decent in the end.

I'll get there. Slowly but surely.

thinkin

I wonder what gets ingrained in us and what we pick up along the way. Treat others how you want to be treated. Sure, some people learn that at church. Some people are told it before being put in time out and I think other people just kind of know. My mom is still involved in the school system I grew up in and the custodian and a bus driver still mention how nice I was. 

Is being nice really the unique?

I was thinking about what my favorite movies were growing up. One was most definitely Strictly Ballroom. They showed it in a park at some point. I remember really liking Ever After too. Both are heavy handed in the fantasy department. Pretty things. Romance even with the impossible. I think that's something I picked up a long the way.

I have the career that I do because I don't let people tell me no. And if they do tell me no I go for it even harder until I exceed every expectation. But mostly I develop awesome relationships with people that has continued to create a network of amazing opportunity for me the past six years. 

What works in business doesn't really work in relationships I'm starting to learn. People like to tell me that I have a low overhang. Oh, I'm lucky because I don't have a mortgage or a kid. Those are choices I have made though, not dumb luck.  My life can still handle the impracticality of adventure. People tell me I aim to high in my relationships. Guys think I ask for too much. Especially when it comes to honesty. Truthfulness

"Nice"

In an awkward turn of events I stayed up wayyy to late last night. Reading things I shouldn't have been reading but all in all at least I can read his name without wanting to throw up. And then something amusing occurred. This guy I haven't talked to in forever sent me a text.

He was the first guy to admit he changed my name in his phone to Mike so his gf wouldn't get mad. Which is kind of weird because we weren't doing anything shady. It was just friendly conversation and I think he tried to push it into something else but we didn't. At the time I didn't know he had a gf and let me tell you, if anything sends off red flags- having a guy be dishonest with his gf is one of them. So now he's trying to convince me, a year later or what not, that it is a perfectly okay situation because it's 2013. OH HELLS NO. It's amusing because Curtis told me he had renamed me in his phone too and didn't know why I would be offended. Call me old fashioned, but I think if you got nothing to hide then you wouldn't create aliases.

I clearly don't understand how things go nowadays. Like how my family going to church also means the increase of alcohol in their fridge. Or how Curtis saying the reason we couldn't be friends was because of his new religion, but oddly enough this apparently doesn't effect his ability to take smut photos for a living. Then there's my dad who takes no effort to talk to me but has my named tattooed on him. It's just weird.

A women in the airport from SLC to STL called me polite the other day. I still cringe at compliments that have to do with me being nice, sweet or polite. I think it's because Curtis use to say nice things but in my brain they all resulted in me being easily disregarded. Like how he asked me never to talk to him again so I'm not suppose to but I cant really ask him for anything because he wouldn't do anything he doesn't want to do.

And then it's like, brain? Why are you still thinking about him at all? He wasn't very nice to you. Nice doesn't have anything to do with relationships from what I gather. Most of them seem to rely on codependency from what I can tell. Not that two people are in love, but that they don't know how to cope without the other. That is scary as hell to me. Not that all relationships are like that but the majority of the ones I've looked at seem to be more destructive for two people than helpful.

Talking to my gma about the move to NYC was weird too. She said maybe I'll stay after my job ends if I meet a nice boy. Now that may seem logical to some but my family has never once in my life mentioned me having a significant other ever. Ever ever ever. In a family with a strong female base where the guys tend to fade away it is really bizarre to hear a comment like that. All my friends have started to tell me if I want to find someone I need to settle down. There's that word, settle. Yes, lets start a relationship off by settling. Please.

Sigh. I really am more positive about life. I can't wait to be in NYC. I just wish people didn't think I was so strange in my ways. I still have the image of his kid telling us she knew what sex was. I don't even talk bout sex now. It's just bizarre to me. People's comfort level in being casual about certain things. I'm starting to sound like a real conservative. Enough rambling.

***********
Horoscope
Be with What Is
Aries Daily Horoscope

You could be impetuous today, which might put you a bit on edge. Perhaps your desire to have everything decided may make you feel impatient when things don’t seem to go your way. Learning to let go of your need to have everything tied up in neat and tidy ends could help you feel more at ease with the way your life is going. Should you begin to feel anxious during the day and want to make a choice merely to get things done, you can close your eyes, take a deep breath, and repeat a soothing affirmation to yourself. Your affirmation might be something like “Let it go” or “Things will work out.” Reminding yourself that life will go on even if you don’t act right away could relieve some of the tension you might feel.

Being able to release our need to have everything perfect allows us to develop greater patience with ourselves. There are definitely times when our lives seem to be in slow-motion, and it feels like the results we want will only come if we prod them along. Using a mantra or affirmation to calm our mind lets us see that when we push, life only pushes back, for once our minds are quiet we begin to realize that the best way to make things happen in life is simply to let go and let the universe work its magic. By being instead of doing today, your anxiety will lift and you will feel more at peace with the current state of your life.

Good Place

Now, I will be the first to admit this sounds a little trainwrecky but it isn't.

Work threw our last party last night, so I was a little tipsy. Cleaning up I took a second to look at the stars over the mountain. My first instinct was to think this is terribly romantic. I am lucky enough to constantly work in beautiful places but I am always alone. So then I was thinking it would be nice to have someone to share this with.

Then I remembered what happened the last time I was looking at the stars with someone and how he kissed me and now we don't talk anymore. So maybe it's not as romantic as I instinctively think it is.

Since I didn't go to the after after party I sat there trying not to email him or what not. Chances are whatever I thought was profound after some st.germaine, would not be so when I was more sober in the morning. So I did the next best thing, start reading old entries his ex/current wrote years ago. I am not sure how I even found them. And I will admit, it's weird. And probably kind of creepy. But the thing is, I knew nothing about her and she had been following me online. He told me she had. So here's me following her now. Not now, now but who she was. I also thought I would never have closure because of how he decided to end things. The most passive way possible. Without any conversation and no hopes of closure. But Im guessing with this kind of thing closure is something you have to find for yourself.

It's funny. Everytime she wrote about doing something I couldn't imagine doing she would mention a book or something I would have been reading around the same time. The only difference is when I was reading it I was talking to my favorite musician about how interesting the ideas were and getting enough courage to travel. She was trying to figure out how to like her kid.

It made me realize I was never a trainwreck. I bought my own car, constantly find my own jobs, house myself...

She had these entries about falling for a few guys but still depending on Curtis.To me that was so weird. But I am the type of girl that people let walk home at night in a neighborhood full of coke dealers or whatever. I take care of myself. And suddenly the positive things he told me about me made sense. Why he would pick up on certain things.

I worked with this guy Stephen recently. He came up with the term, "You accept the love you think you deserve" I've had the phrase in my head for awhile. I think it makes sense in this place. I didn't realize all the dysfunction that was involved with his situation. I also think it was naive on my part to think that just because I wasn't in his life anymore things must be so much better for him. Like I was this black hole. I'm not. I love loving people. I do hope he is happy and they can figure out how to love each other. Not just depend on each other. People deserve more than settled contentment I think. I think it's okay to still love him. Not like love love but you know, care? I haven't liked many men in my life but for the ones I have, they still have a place within me.

Last week was the first time I ever thought that my dad disappointed me. Im not sure why it took so long to say. People are complicated I guess. Being on this mountain is always a safe haven for trying to figure out feelings. Everyone here is an artist. They get it.

Trainwrecks don't make it to Radio City Music Hall. They don't pay all their bills. They don't have all this amazing friends all over the country.

Im in a good place.

This or That

Best part of the night was finally telling John August I saw his show closing night in Chicago and his reaction being so excited to tell me all the changes they had made to it for Broadway.

I took time to look at the stars tonight too and got a little sad. It happens.

The next adventure

My life is kind of ridiculous. Too be cheesy as it sounds, I am blessed. I never know how to talk about it. I always feel like I'm bragging.

John August is on the mountain right now. The first time I ever went to NYC my family was delivering a tap dance floor and there were posters for Big Fish the movie everywhere. I have talked to a producer of the musical but didn't end up perusing a position with them. I did get to see it in Chicago though and everyone in my row spent the entire act II trying not to weep. It moves to Broadway now.

Which brings me to my next adventure. Working with Americas Got Talent at Radio City Music Hall for three months. And I just found a rent controlled apartment so I can walk to work. How crazy is that? My life has a way of working it's self out. I told my roomies Id be leaving and they said someone may sublet my room. It's like everything is meant to be. I can't get over it.

I told my dad I would be in NYC. He wrote half a sentence back to me. It's weird. He has three kids now and I can't understand how he could fail so miserably to include me in his life. Not even in a terrible way, just a lack of effort. Ah well I suppose.

I feel good. Content. This is how it should be.

Rosey

I wish I could put what I'm feeling right now in a bottle and sip on it a little later when I'm not feeling as good as this.

The fellows cooked for the institutes. First of all, I want to learn how to cook. But everyone was so open and giving. Such a nice night.

As I was leaving Jan said I was funny and he liked my attitude and some other nice thing. Why are we as humans generally so unwilling to accept the nice things about ourselves?

I ended up working with an actress who knew an old roommate of mine. She said my ex roomie said I was the most giving, nicest person ever. I feel like that is something I always strive to be but never achieve.

I will try and be nicer to myself.

Simple

I've been promising myself I would write more thoughtful entries and what not and then I don't.

I think all this would be way more meaningful if I took pen to paper.

The Sundance Labs are going well. This is what Frank means when he says that I am in a good place. I am surrounded by people that I am constantly amazed to realize, love me for being me.

Luke left his guitar behind so I'm contemplating trying to restring it and how to get home. Luke was good for me. We had a lot of conversations mostly about getting over the past and living in the present.

I get excited when I realize I'm not angry at Curtis. It comes and goes but like today facebook opened all my old messages and there it was. Us, talking like civil people. Me telling him his daughter wanted to get rid of clothes that were too small and him giving me a roller derby name. Which is weird because at work a Mormon gave me a roller derby name today too, TripleLexxx.

I don't think things like this are a sign anymore.

I should write a letter to my dad.

Im going to be in NYC this summer. Im nervous. Whats a single girl to do?

Day After

Man.

Father's Day slowly gets to me. Everyone talking about their dads and I'm like ho hum when will this be over? I've been thinking about writing my dad a letter saying it kinda sucks you weren't around. I don't have a father figure in my life. It kind of reminds me of the Curtis thing though. It won't solve anything. Maybe I just have to deal with it.

Luke has been giving me life advice the past few days. Live in the moment. Get over things etc.

Last night I was sitting on a rock after being left behind-ish. The way I was sitting gave me instant flashbacks to waiting to be picked up from high school after theater got out. Being alone in the parking lot.

I didn't know how to deal with seeing Luke in the scenes he was in. Everyone seems more comfortable with sex than I am.

Father issues and sex scenes. How typical can I be? Surely there's a story in there somewhere?

I've been running lately. It feels good. I do it for the wrong reasons though.

Its amazing, the scripts here. Some of them are word for word conversations that I've had with people. Obscure things. I appreciate the truthfulness people put in their work.

the daily

A couple people have told me I am a story they want to hear. I just wish I knew how to tell it.

I'm in the service of supporting artists. Not being one. I think that's why I like talking with Luke. Sharing watercolors and what not. Talking about art, being accepted as someone who can do art. I kinda gave up in high school when I started comparing myself to everyone else and couldnt make things as realistic as I wanted them to be.

I felt pushed around today. Scraping cous cous off avocado for an actor that blesses me and bows his head. Keeping my eyes down when I make popcorn, surprised when certain people know my name. Luke walked in with all the assistant editors telling him he did amazing because they had seen his dailies. He came back out to ask if I found my wallet. I haven't. That's fine.

There was another biking accident on the highway.

oh canada

Yesterday was like Christmas, or heaven or something unnaturally good.

We had a karaoke party Saturday night where I was asked to sing with actor which resulted in the Canadian singing old country songs to me at the point where I just told him he could sing to me.

Then after a night of partying we all wake up for brunch, which is amazing. Gondola rides. And my lab bestie Erinn came back to work. It was weird how quickly everything went down to get her here but we are officially roomies again and it makes me happy.

I need to take better care of myself. Running again even thought the altitude is a B up here.

Still trying to work out plans with AGT and Telluride. Good times.

free falling

I never know what Im allowed to say on here or not for various reasons.

Ed Harris sang with the crew band last night.

Alex the Aussie rewrote the lyrics to American Pie.

Laila went all Joni Mitchell on us. She originated this role on Bway that was the last show I directed in college. So bizarre.

Stephen and I officially met. He has the nicest smile ever.

Luke says that I totally get him. He carries a harmonica in his jean jacket, not the harmonica we just bought him. He is very clever and a nerd and I enjoy that.

Jeremy thinks I should sing karaoke because I have the glasses for it.

The group all sang Free Falling together. I thought that was off.


I always feel more at home with actors than anyone, think its my theater roots showing.

I hope I can use this all someday. Like write one of those movie that includes everyone ever. I wish I was more open here, I just cant figure it out.

Pelican Earrings

Yesterday was a really good day.

We took an actor with us on some errands. We were standing in the line at Super Target when he started trying to get my attention. He was on the cover of a gossip magazine who said he had started dating some starlet. It was really amusing. I bought it.

In the car I told him facts about himself and then he would clarify them. He decided to buy a guitar and a harmonica while we were out. Apparently he watercolors too.

I enjoyed our conversations.

People kept telling me the last month that I've been quiet. I think maybe it was because I wasn't inspired. I don't want to talk of sports or hook ups. I want to be clever. I want to learn about people.

Yesterday gave me focus. I know whats right for me when I really think about it.

It's funny, he was in a movie directed by Sarah Polley. Small world for multiple reasons.

Im nice...your nice...

Its really this time before bed I dont know what to do with myself.

I went to a reading of one of our fellows movies. It was nice. I always wonder how you know what story needs to be told. Like there's only one, I know there can be many.

Im listening to The Verve Pipe. Its so weird growing up with their music then running an event for them.

People around me seem to think casual sex is where it's at. But, after the reading tonight I dont think it's as easy as people make it out to be. Mostly.

I talked to Sam. The first guy that I know of that liked me in high school. I always thought it was me being guarded that made us not happen. But I had my reasons and I think they were good ones. He also    said somethings word for word what Curtis said. About being afraid of disappointing me and stuff. He said he always found himself trying to be more clever around me. I don't mean to put that kind of pressure on people. I think maybe it's because I am quiet. I put thought into what Im saying. A lot of people talk just to talk. I like being intentional.

All Good things are Possible

So two days ago was the blessing. Everyone at the labs hikes up to Elks Meadow and we stand in what is suppose to be a circle. And then we are each blessed by a guy using an eagles wing. I always forget until he's standing in front of me with the wing over my head how it reminds me of something I heard in Telluride. It started to rain and a dad held out his arm and told his small child to get under his wing, he would keep them safe.

It's the first time I didn't feel all over the place. I was able to walk down the road without panicking about seeing that guy get hit a week ago.

Later that night I could tell my coworkers were making an extreme effort to look out for me. At some point I have to say what I want so that people can give it to me.

Earlier that day it was pretty nice too. Me and this other girl were having brunch when a well known actor came and sat down with us and asked us about us. He reminded me of my grandpa. We watched his film last night.In the end these big actors, they're still storytellers and they still have that thing in their head where they have to tell the story no matter if it makes them money or not. Which is nice.

I still have a lot of work to do. But its happening.

Cockroaches

A fellow showed her film here, Art Hard. There was this running phrase through it that we all have our cockroaches. It means we're all a little crazy. That seems to be a common thing to say lately.

I woke up exhausted. My hair is a mess. Yesterday walking to work set me off. A 15 minute walk down the mountain where I try not to think of the guys face on the concrete and how I didn't do anything about it.

The past two nights I dreamed of Curtis. The first night he sent me a postcard telling me it would be alright and the second I happened to wander on to him in Vegas painting a mural and he didn't ignore me like I though he would. He wanted my attention. Both times I woke up shortly after feeling comforted and then sad that it wasn't real.

Yesterday afternoon I realized it wasn't him in my dream saying I would be ok. It's me. Talking to myself. I try not to feel crazy but this mountain is so quiet.

I feel like I feel everything all the time.

People tell me guys treat me the way they do because of my job. Gypsies are only good for one night stands I suppose. That's not me though.

Another man called me sweet the other day. In my head it means that Im putting more thought into something than someone else. In the back of my head I know it's just baggage though.

I wish I had my sketchbook here.

Wear your helmet.

People keep asking if I'm okay. What am I suppose to say? It's not like you can make it better.

I saw a terrible motorcycle accident yesterday. Barely away from work. Few miles at most. The car that hit them almost hit me. Not in the melodramatic way but in a, I swerved onto the shoulder so they wouldn't hit me. I stared in my mirror and watched a guy laying on the cement. I was naive.

I thought he wasn't moving because they were waiting for help. That he would be okay. He's not. He wasn't wearing a helmet. There was another body and the distance. His kid apparently, 12 years old. He was wearing a helmet, thank god.

I just sat there on the shoulder. I watched as people on the other side of the highway got out of their cars and looked around. I didn't know what to do. Helping them would have mean me crossing two lanes of traffic on the highway.

I drove a few minutes until I got to a parking lot afraid to turn off at the side of the road.

Uturns are legal anywhere you can make them in Utah apparently.

I stayed at the gas station for an hour talking to my mom and my grandma.

I turned back to work and the highway was a parking lot.

I passed the spot. The bike was still out. The road was spattered. It was blood. It looked like paint, but it's blood.

I got back and my coworker made a joke about how at least no animals were hurt because that would be horrible.

It wouldn't be til later my mom and grandma both told me the news story.

I remembered the color of the car wrong.

I've written a lot of I's in this entry. It's hard to tell what is acceptable in this circumstance. Am I allowed to be upset? Because I keep randomly crying.People can't say much to you.

I had to walk 20 minutes down the mountain to lunch on the side of a road today. I freaked out after I saw a car and two motorcycles pass me at the same time in one lane. Oddly enough, I don't feel safe.

I cant imagine what that kid is going through. My heart breaks for him.

A month before I came out here I became anxious driving sometimes. I kept seeing someone sidewipe me so clearly. Like how it happened yesterday if I hadn't gotten out of their way.

People love that phrase, it is what it is.

Sundance Labs

I feel incredibly loved.

But tired. Hopefully I can put this all into words.

******
12 hours later when Im awake enough:

The labs are like a really awesome summer camp. It's kinda like True/False but almost better because Im not going crazy with responsibility. Here I can be exactly who I want to be.

Earlier I was going a little crazy. Thinking I didn't deserve this experience. I think that's the biggest thing I have to over come. Accepting that I deserve all the great things that come to me in this life. That I am awesome at what I do.

I don't know that I ever set out to do what I do but at the same time it's exactly what I wanted.

I love being around this creative family and the opportunity we get to create our own little world on this beautiful mountain.

When I go here people told me I had a magic in me. Maybe they're right.

Dont ever let your mind stop you from having a good time. -JM

Eagle Feathers

I wasn't going to post but I'm wired. I remember this time last year we all had crazy dreams our first week on the mountain, it will probably happen again.

I'm alone in this huge mountain home for a few days. I'm almost use to being alone in strange places besides a new friend asking me if I'll be scared of the rehabbers next door trying to break in.

This place is like a warm bath. (Yeah, Empire Records) When I let go of all my fears that I won't be right for the job or what not, I have an amazing time. It's like a constant trust fall game.

I officially signed on to do Telluride this year. After 3 years they are taking care of everything for me. Which makes me feel great. They want me there and are putting in the effort. So cool. And Americas Got Talent said they would work around it which makes me feel even more amazing.

I started reading Tolles book again. It was the same one I read and spoke to Mraz about. It's a good read. It confirms what I already knew in my head but chose to ignore. It kinda rewires your brain.

I wish I had loved Curtis less selfishly.And when I talk about him it is really a battle with my ego because he's been gone for a year now. I wish I could have appreciated the moment while I was in it better. It's why I don't regret letting this Irish boy kiss me. He grabbed my face and said I was amazing and I told him those were just words but he kept asking if I was happy with the moment. And I was.

Now he and I talk about his short film and films in general and cliches. It's great.

I'm so grateful for the people around me. And for them allowing me the safe place to become who I am.

I like the way the word immensely feels on my tongue.

I would like to start enjoying the world immensely

Not for the Ipad user

Fact: This weekend in Chicago will be the highest concentration of boys I have kissed. Which isn't really saying much but is of great amusement since I've only kissed one boy in Chicago.  Yay for the world of gypsies.

Maybe someday I won't count kisses.

I do write about other things dear internet. I start a page of a journal every time I go somewhere. I go a lot of places, too bad I can't keep it in the same book.

I'm nervous about this weekend but it should be fun. There has been no planning. It's funny the girls I know are so free spirited. It's the boys saying they have to deal with real life and need a schedule.

I'm glad I am with the people I am. My family takes me to the airport and bus station at the drop of a hat. Friends of friends give me keys to their houses. I've always associated keys with love. I have keys to houses across the country. One day I hope to give it all back.


Bus station calls.

Riding the wave

First I just got back from NYC. I had been doing fine and then I remember why I was dreading being there. Because it was the last time the boy I liked liked me back. Kinda. I sent a picture of a building to him once and he said he missed me. It's stupid, I'm aware but there is what you know is logical and then there's how you feel. It was then he told me he was skyping with a teenage transgender or something  and I questioned why he never wanted more from me. All our communication was texting. He told me maybe it would be easier when he moved into his grandmothers house. That he was working on things. Getting to a steady place.

I'm almost through the anniversaries of everything. It's a little odd how many days I marked with things we did or said. My little brother told me he wants to show me a new game he was playing. I knew what it would be before I saw it. Robot Unicorn. The same stupid game his kid was playing when I went to his studio and one of my best friends and him continued a conversation while I sat there feeling entirely awkward because I never knew who I was to him. He didn't know. You don't tell a girl you couldn't care less about that she would make a good wife and mother and then let her walk to the bus stop alone. He felt bad when I told him about the guy who approached that night. He was use to feeling bad though. The ex that sexually assaulted in Italy I think it was. The step mother that misbehaved. He never seemed to believe the good in women. He saw a light in me. It was there before him. It's taken a hell of a long time for me to realize it's still there. I always overwhelmed him.

I made the mistake of backing up old text. He renamed me Mike in his phone. That was hurtful. It was weird he didn't know that was wrong. He was lying to Megan by not having my real name there. He was hiding me and not willing to admit it. I kept telling him my schedule and he replied with "I just don't know why you're being so pushy and weird when it's clear we can't hang out until Monday."  Funny, I wasn't the one renaming people in my phone.

There is a certain kind of hurt I never felt before. It had nothing to do with being naked in front of someone and everything to do with being emotional honest and open with someone. I held no punches with him. I trusted him completely from the first second I met him. I asked a mutual friend if he was who I thought he was- she spoke highly of him. I don't think they were the same as the two of us. Now I know the difference. There is Curtis and Frank. Frank wouldn't let me walk the 20 ft home when I met him. He slept on the floor so I could sleep on his bed. We still talk. He has absolute faith in me even when I am not so confident in my abilities he is. Lately I've really enjoyed the words Faith and Grace. Faith: Complete trust.

I worry about retaining emotional baggage from Curtis. At weak points I wonder how it ended this way.  I didn't know how someone leaving you felt. It reminds me of when I was in sxsw and called up this guy I had met at Sundance when I needed a house. He let me stay the night at his place but he laughed all the way home at how trusting I was. I can't not trust though. It's not in the core of who I am. I know I talked about it before. But if I made everyone prove themselves to me I think it would be completely exhausting and takes away the faith you can have in your fellow human beings. I would let myself get hurt all over again if it meant finding someone I can express myself honestly to.

How it ended:

"Megan asked me not to see you. She has been paying attention to you online for a long time. She sees this for what it is more clearly than I am capable of. She knows that it is an unmatched yoke. I'm going to get myself in shape and ask her to marry me. I can't have girlfriends anymore. I see the badness of what this is, and I repent of it. Poof You are not bad. I like you. But everything to do with you is off my path. And vice versa. The only woman I should be concerned with is the mother of my child. You would make such a wonderful mom and wife. You're dedicated, loyal, affectionate, etc. these are all things I love about you" I still think it's creepy his ex was following me. Earlier he told me I wasn't the girl on the side that he was living like a bachelor. I hope he realizes that isn't the case if his ex/current felt threatened by me. The year of 26 was about letting go though. I see that it's not me quitting on him or anything. The relationship- not in the romantic sense, but any sense wasn't a failure on my part. I do think of him less. Part of me wishes he hadn't been the one to bring up motherhood and wifedom. Thoughts that had never occurred to me before him. I had to let go of more important things than him. My grandmother died. I am really in a state of shock even mentioning it. I've managed to stay busy so long that I could pretend she will still be at her house when I go over. She had given me my birthday present early the last time I saw her and gave me the pendant she was wearing when I commented that I liked it. She had complete faith in me. Sometimes I feel like Curtis was the only thing I've set my mind to and didn't get. My first kiss got engaged last month. As well as the first boy I ever liked. It all feels like water rushing by as I watch everything drift away. I'm suppose to go to Chicago soon. There are three men there that have said they would hook up with me. One has even said he would as long as I don't buy him presents or fall head over heels. That's the part I like though. The investing in someone part. I always described the way I felt about Curtis as head over heels but that doesn't seem so stable does it? He was a great learning experience if nothing else. I don't entirely expect to find anyone else. Not that he was the end all be all but I think it's going to take time to find the right person. I'm not the kind of girl that is with just anyone. It's funny ever since high school it has been reoccurring theme in my life that people say I need a real man. What does that even me? Why wouldn't every woman need a real man? I'm not on a search for one. I figure if the right guy is out there he has to have his adventures like I have to have mine. Like how a rock only becomes smooth once it's batted around for awhile. We're carving out the people we are suppose to be. I guess that's what I kind of feel like. Curtis once said I was lost. Well, that we were wandering. But I am fairly certain I've always known who I was. Deep down. I'm just chipping the outside of the rock away. Creating some sculpture. Maybe I don't know what it looks like yet. You have to go with the shape of the rock to create something that will last you know? I am proud of who I am. I'm slowly becoming more aware of who that is. I've gone leaps and bounds the last few years. I am very close to loving my body the whole time. I enjoy my style. I am still amused that people think I have a distinct style. I would like to be more humble. When I found out the company that had fired Curtis wanted to hire me I did a short victory jump in my head. Like I won the mountain, but that is way bad karma so I am trying to change my mind on how I handle that. I don't want to operate from a place of hurt. I would much rather operate out of love always. I always thought it was crazy when people said don't take things personally. I think I'm learning what that means though. I only want to be around the people that want me to succeed and have faith in me. Because I have faith in the people I choose to surround me. Mad Love L

Back in NYC, the last place there was

It's correct in everything.

I once sent a picture to a boy of a building and his response was "I can't wait to see you"

 April 15, 2013
Enlightenment in Intentions
Aries Daily Horoscope
Today you may surprise yourself by becoming overly critical when faced with confusing behavior from the people with whom you share your environment. Your first response may be one of anger or disillusionment, as you will likely unwittingly assume that oddities in others are being purposefully directed against you. However, you may in fact be overanalyzing what you see and hear today. If you choose not to make assumptions and to have faith in the good intentions of your peers, your mood will likely begin to fall back into balance. Your loved ones and colleagues may even extend you the same courtesy, giving you the benefit of the doubt as a matter of course.

Since we can never be wholly sure what thoughts drive others to speak and behave as they do, we make our own lives easier by giving these individuals the benefit of the doubt in our day-to-day interactions. There is an element of trust involved in everything we do with others, whether we are working together or simply spending time in one another's company. When we choose to have faith in the goodness of humanity even when we feel offended or judgmental, we discover that people will quite often live up to our optimistic expectations. This is not to say that we should overlook overt gestures of unkindness, but we should never assume that crass words or thoughtless actions were meant hurtfully. You will be less apt to criticize others today when you make an effort to trust in the innate goodness that lies in wait in all human beings.


But mostly things are going super. 

Simple

Tomorrow I start stage managing at the theater that made me fall in love with theater in the first place. 5,000+ seats. I haven't done theater in about two years. I hear a lot of criticism in my head from college. I never felt like I quite fit in and it's the reason I found film festivals actually.

One of my coworkers from the last theater I worked out pointed out that this is my time to inspire the next generation. I thought that was really beautiful.


I am actually quite capable of a lot of things.

STLNYC

I need to eat better. It really is where it all starts. And homemade meals taste like love. So far I haven't really had time for that. I like watching my roommates cook and learn with each other.

Traveling is making me more anxious than normal. I love that I have so many people who offer their couches, futons, spare rooms to me but I'm at the point I think I am worth more. Job wise. Just can't decide what that means.

I realized how absurd things had gotten. I was flirting with an actor who I had forgotten played a character named after this guy I was trying to forget this summer. In the script the character was chosen to create life after earth melts down and he runs into this Mormon girl. And there are sexbots. I mean, if ever there were a sci fi movie that reflected the part of time I was going through, this movie would be it. Apparently, it won't be made. Which is unfortunate.

However, I now know that ghosthunters are amazing in bed. I was told. I don't know. My whole interaction with guy things is just not working out.

I worked at the State Pen last week on Ghost Adventures. It was fun. I got a t shirt, bottle of whiskey and a whole lot of Uncrustables besides my pay.

Last night I found out the person who put me up for the job at the Fox dropped out. So here I am, stage managing for everyone who is anyone in STL. Haven't stage managed in forever and won't know what I'm getting into until I arrive the day of. I tend to find myself in positions like this more times than not.

I just need a hug.

And to pack. Because I didn't realize until 2 hours ago that leaving for STL and NYC means I have to bring stuff with me...

LiG

I've felt completely ungrounded lately.

I need to focus.

See what time off does to me?

Three guys asked me to give them a job today. An ex harvard football player turned real estate broker, an editor who has worked on some known movies and a cowboy. Maybe it's because they're not subtle about it but something about it really weirds me out. I don't like talking about my work with people. I suppose I worry that's all they'll find interesting about me.

I used bodywash from a hotel and now I smell like a boy. Ugh.

Starting tomorrow I am working for a ghost reality tv show at a prison. I promised myself after Six Flags I would never work with ghost hunters again. Ah well. Should be fun? Right?

I also got my script for a teen talent show I am stage managing at the Fox. The Fox is beautiful; it's the theater that I fell in love with and probably the reason I wanted to stage manage in the first place. So now I am stage managing for a friend of mine there. Of course the judges for the talent show are heads of every big arts organization in St. Louis...I never half ass anything when it comes to work apparently. I didn't know they would be big wigs, I thought I was just going to be working with a friend. Go big or go home. Never been head of wardrobe, might as well go on tour with 100+original broadway costumes...sure why not.

Sometimes I forget I like myself. When I was younger I was pretty good at writing though so re reading old journals has been a nice conversation I get to have with myself.

I like working in entertainment. There's so many songs on the radio or movies I run into that have my friends involved with them somehow. For me it's like the idea of a bird gathering twigs for a nest after it lands in its new destination. Home is where the bird builds it. Not where it is. Or something like that. So to me, home is the people I carry with me. More than the four walls, garage and a newly done yard or something like that. I am a very lucky person, but sometimes I get caught up. I am so grateful for everyone the chooses to keep me in their life even if I am not there at every moment.

The last day I went home before I left my mom hide 2 chocolate bars and an Eckhart Tolle book in my bag. I really do like the book. But it means more to me because it's the book I had when I missed my bus to Chicago to see Mraz and last minute decided I would fly there instead. Later on I would talk to Jason and he would see my book. He happened to be reading the same one. It made me feel resourceful. I am capable of taking care of myself. I pay for myself, my car, my student loans. I am a responsible adult. Or something like that. And that's kind of awesome. Not everyone is capable of taking care of themselves.

Luckily I have friends that help too. A big part of what I do only happens because people want me to work with them or let me crash on their couch. I realize the amount of roommates I have had in life so far probably surpasses the average American human being.

Life is good.

for once

I spent the day thinking about things. I find this blog to be a poor reflection of my self. I usually write quickly to get a fleeting idea out. It's not who I am though.

I think it's okay to figure yourself out. It's all there, I think. Just a matter of sorting and organizing.

I've been contemplating writing a letter to my dad. I can't figure out what I want though. So I haven't.

My schedule is about to get hectic again. Next week is 5 days of shooting Ghost Adventures. Then a few days at the Fox in STL, straight to NYC for Tribeca. Week off then Chicago for AGT. Week off. Then Sundance Labs again for the first half of the summer.

I hope I do a better job of enjoying myself at the Labs. Last summer it was all about healing and crying and raw emotions. But time makes everything better right? Even Telluride is shaping up to be a new experience that I enter in cautiously.

I've been thinking of running off to California for a bit. I've been thinking that since I can remember though.

Love
Lex

Be love.

I want to be love.

It is something I think about constantly. I don't want to be selfish. I want to inspire. I want to make people feel like they are capable of exceeding expectations.

I don't want to be jealous. It's easy to feel jealous initially with friends as amazing as mine. It's not that I hold on to jealousy or anything. There is just constantly things going on in our world and I feel like it's somewhat of a rat race sometimes.

I like feeling like light. I want to be bright and warm. I don't like when I overthink things and make them more complicated.

I'm trying to figure out the balance between self and others. How to take time for me without feeling selfish?

I know I have great potential to be something and realizing I already am that something is probably what is missing.

I can't decide where I stand or cursing. I still feel like a little kid saying something I know I shouldn't.

I'm going to start songwriting again.

The Late Men

I am 27. In my head that sounds like the age I start figuring stuff out, but I think every year is like that. I have just come back from SXSW and a stint in San Antonio with America's Got Talent.

Sxsw started off rocky as I was ditched by the friend I was staying with. I ended up talking to this guy I knew from Sundance that took me back to his ranch. He laughed all the way home 8. Saying it was weird how trusting I was. That probably should have been a red flag or five. Later I would notice he had a quasi tribal tattoo. Which would have been helpful to know before everything.

I was at a venue with all electronic music. I would realize this made me super cranky. The bouncer also got drunk to the point where he couldn't form full sentences. This would also make me cranky.

All hope was not lost in Austin though. My roomies both had films there. I got to see one of them. It moved me deeply. Reminded me a lot of her and made me realize how much I'm not dealing with losing her. Maybe that's why they do that whole open casket thing. So there's no pretending like the next time you go to their house they'll still be there. When we were at her house for Christmas she gave me my birthday present too. Maybe she was more aware than me as to what was happening. I was so clueless. She had such faith in me. I disappoint myself when I have self doubt because I feel like I'm disagreeing with her or something.

I have to use real names here. I have early online journals where I just use "he" and "she" a lot and have no clue who I'm talking about. There was a guy at my venue one night that look so much like Curtis. I didn't think that existed. His eyes, the way his smile turns up. Gag worthy I know. My body had the same reaction as I get when I read his name. I tried to tell myself maybe it's my genetic make up to react to people who look that way and Curtis didn't mean anything. I kept trying to compare him to the cowboy with the tribal tattoo who didn't care about me. That's what we were suppose to mean to each other, nothing. It's like driving a car and trying to constantly overcorrecting. Eventually I will drive straight. Mostly I think of him to reflect on myself. It's crazy, a year ago he was telling me we shouldn't talk anymore. I know he wasn't thinking it was right before my birthday. He never cared like that. He would text a few days later saying there was something he needed to say but couldn't think of what. It was always based on what he needed. So  it's not him I miss. It was amusing at this years Sundance when he did the same thing and I knew exactly what to expect. It's just a good measuring stick I suppose. How comfortable I am with myself now compared to two years ago. The different people I am willing to talk to. The experiences I expose myself to. I think it's ok not to regret things.

When he left, the thing I held on to the hardest was this email he wrote me once. I don't think he was lying even though he would take it back later. I started to feel sorry myself because I didn't get to hear all these wonderful things he use to tell me, but it wasn't true. I get to hear them still. That very day strangers I had never worked with before told me things he had told me. Not to brag or anything. They just mentioned how they thought I was sweet and unusual and questioned if this is how I always am. I can only be one way, it would be too hard to try and be anything else. Sometimes I complain to Frank that I don't want to be special. I feel like I don't fit in and I don't fit any definition. It's hard because I don't see how I'm that different from anyone else. Even when it comes to the way I dress people say I'm unusual.

I have been given amazing opportunities. I wish I were more grateful for them and fully immersed in all their moments. I get to go back to the Sundance Labs. Telluride offered me a position almost "on the spot." That was amazing. I felt like I was king of the mountain after that. I felt like if I kept going to the festival eventually I could create so many new memories the ones of him would go away. Maybe that's true. Life has been easier since I tried to stop memorizing every detail.

9. I made out with an Irish director at sxsw. He would grab my face and tell me I was amazing and wonderful and he loved my red hair. He was sloshed but lovely. He said he wanted to cuddle. I told him he was full of words and he told me words have weight. It was near St. Patricks Day so I questioned if he was really a leprechaun. It was a nice experience that didn't mean much. Past me would have beaten myself up over it.

1. An old friend asked me if I was happy he was becoming a family man. I didn't know what to say to him. I know I don't fit into his future life. I'm not sure what would qualify us as being friends. It always seemed mostly one sided. I gave, he took. I seem to be good at finding those types.


All this is a lot of talk about boys. It's because it's the only thing that doesn't make sense to me I suppose. I'm successful career wise when I put my mind to something. It's the connecting with the opposite sex that feels like algebra all over again. I took honors at the beginning of high school and by the time I got out I think I had taken the same class quite a few times. It just happens that way I guess.