My jobs are like summer camp. I haven't seen my coworkers from NYC since September and we can't stop emailing each other. It's completely like family. Along with my festival friends who are so on the same page as me. It's crazy that we're scattered all through the country but be so similar. Fest life I guess.
In an odd turn of events. Back in the day I found pen pals in chatrooms. Which is probably more than a downfall than I originally anticipated. Anyway, I had this friend who told me a story with this odd phrase. I googled the phrase and found her. I found a blog where she said she had being grateful I was her friend and she made a comment that I always seemed to think I didn't make sense. I was like ahhh! a decade of me belittling myself. Stop that! Also, I found out she's friends with this guy I work with at the fest. Small, small world. Anyway.
Tomorrow is new years eve. I wasn't going to resolve to do anything but I know exactly what I have to do. 2014 I am going to be sexy! Even now I blush at that but I need to stop. I want to own my sexuality and not be so confused by it. I want to form meaningful relationships with people. I have two examples of the type of woman I want to be. (Keep in my I still haven't considered myself a woman yet- girl yes. But it always sounded strange when a guy refers to me as a woman.) Anyway, the first one I met when I ran off to Indiana right after college. She was so giving and such a hippy. She ran off to Southern California. We've met up in NYC last. She has blossomed into such an awesome woman. She owns her curves and says her opinions and is sculpting the life she wants. It has been amazing to watch. The other friend I have is an actress on Broadway. We have a similar funkiness to us. Watching her on stage is always amazing. She is so professional in everything she does. She oozes sex.
And sex doesn't mean slutty. It's about awareness. Confidence.
I have little to worry about now. I have a savings. Debt free. It's kinda crazy. Complete freedom. No excuses. I want to take care of myself. I want to use my body and cherish it.
I have always known who I am. Time to chip away at it.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Present.
I will write this in a journal.
I wanted to write before yesterday too but yesterday gives me reason enough.
My roommates have been out of town leaving me alone in a huge house, which becomes quite scary at night because the living room is mostly windows and we live off the beaten path a little. Last night I slept well though. My grandmother stopped by on her way from Springfield to St. Louis.
It's kind of odd how life has put us in similar positions. Suddenly she found herself splitting time inbetween two places not being able to call either one home. I haven't had a home in awhile. I kind of squeeze in where I can at my parents house. Even when I was there in high school I was living in an unfinished room that wasn't too comforting. I find the feelings I get from seeing old friends much more comforting than any four walls I've been in lately.
I was having a hard time at work. It's kind of silly why. It was because it has been too easy this year. That's right. I sat in the office with two of my bosses getting emotional because I haven't felt utterly crushed like last year. They gave me another assistant this year. They finally gave me my business cards too. Giving my grandmother the first business card I've had in my life was pretty awesome. She was so excited. Because she has helped me get to here.
I was really emotional at my high school graduation. My dad showed up and no one told me he was going to. I literally sobbed in the car for quite awhile. I remember after I saw him I saw a funeral procession and thought it was fitting for the mood I was in. I think I was upset because he hadn't helped me get to there. 13 years of public school that he wasn't around for. Why did he show up at the end? It's the same way I felt about Tim being at my college graduation, to a lesser agree but I've never been wholly supported by the men in my life until later. I could tell I was jealous a little of how comfortable my sister Jessica is around Jeff. How he's at all her games. Clearly he's not incapable of love, it just didn't work out for me. I still get jealous of the commercial for some jewelry company when the guy proposes to the women or something and then also gives jewelry to her daughter too. I compare it to the time Tim proposed to my mother by making her breakfast and said I could have the leftovers, if there was any. They even got married in Vegas. Without me.
That's probably why single dads don't scare me. I appreciate their devotion to their kids and putting their kids before being someone because I have been that kid before.
Anyway, that's not really the point of all this. For Christmas my grandmother paid off my student loan. The one I thought I would pay off for the next decade. It is actually in my mother's name but I've been paying on all my loans no matter who's name was on it. My mom said she had planned on helping me but she stopped working when my siblings were born and Tim. Well, I don't get it. He doesn't feel responsible for me I guess. I don't need him to feel that way. When I was out of college he drove quite the wedge between me and home. He said I had to pay rent of $200 for any stay over 10 days at the house. Keep in mind, I've never been a slacker. Keep in mind he crashed at my mom's apartment for years never paying anything. He told me that the men involved in scouting compared it to indians or something all contributing to the tribe. I slept in my car to avoid being home more than 10 days. It was dropped eventually. Maybe because I never stayed longer, I'm not sure.
But I'm not here to dwell on the past. My grandmother just gave me the green light. I always said I wouldn't move to California without having paid off my loans because it was just so expensive. Now I'm just afraid. She told me not to be. But I have literally no excuse for anything now. With all the weirdness of my growing up I was still given everything I could of asked for because of my mom and my grandma.
I think the best way I can show how grateful I am to them is living a life unafraid. Unapologetic for who I am because I am amazing. There's part of me that doesn't want to say that, we're taught we should be humble and there is a part of life that requires that. But I'm tired of apologizing for who I am. Yes, I am still figuring things out. There are so many experiences I avoided for so long because I was afraid. But I am figuring it out. I deserve to live an amazing life that was started by the people who love me the most.
I wanted to write before yesterday too but yesterday gives me reason enough.
My roommates have been out of town leaving me alone in a huge house, which becomes quite scary at night because the living room is mostly windows and we live off the beaten path a little. Last night I slept well though. My grandmother stopped by on her way from Springfield to St. Louis.
It's kind of odd how life has put us in similar positions. Suddenly she found herself splitting time inbetween two places not being able to call either one home. I haven't had a home in awhile. I kind of squeeze in where I can at my parents house. Even when I was there in high school I was living in an unfinished room that wasn't too comforting. I find the feelings I get from seeing old friends much more comforting than any four walls I've been in lately.
I was having a hard time at work. It's kind of silly why. It was because it has been too easy this year. That's right. I sat in the office with two of my bosses getting emotional because I haven't felt utterly crushed like last year. They gave me another assistant this year. They finally gave me my business cards too. Giving my grandmother the first business card I've had in my life was pretty awesome. She was so excited. Because she has helped me get to here.
I was really emotional at my high school graduation. My dad showed up and no one told me he was going to. I literally sobbed in the car for quite awhile. I remember after I saw him I saw a funeral procession and thought it was fitting for the mood I was in. I think I was upset because he hadn't helped me get to there. 13 years of public school that he wasn't around for. Why did he show up at the end? It's the same way I felt about Tim being at my college graduation, to a lesser agree but I've never been wholly supported by the men in my life until later. I could tell I was jealous a little of how comfortable my sister Jessica is around Jeff. How he's at all her games. Clearly he's not incapable of love, it just didn't work out for me. I still get jealous of the commercial for some jewelry company when the guy proposes to the women or something and then also gives jewelry to her daughter too. I compare it to the time Tim proposed to my mother by making her breakfast and said I could have the leftovers, if there was any. They even got married in Vegas. Without me.
That's probably why single dads don't scare me. I appreciate their devotion to their kids and putting their kids before being someone because I have been that kid before.
Anyway, that's not really the point of all this. For Christmas my grandmother paid off my student loan. The one I thought I would pay off for the next decade. It is actually in my mother's name but I've been paying on all my loans no matter who's name was on it. My mom said she had planned on helping me but she stopped working when my siblings were born and Tim. Well, I don't get it. He doesn't feel responsible for me I guess. I don't need him to feel that way. When I was out of college he drove quite the wedge between me and home. He said I had to pay rent of $200 for any stay over 10 days at the house. Keep in mind, I've never been a slacker. Keep in mind he crashed at my mom's apartment for years never paying anything. He told me that the men involved in scouting compared it to indians or something all contributing to the tribe. I slept in my car to avoid being home more than 10 days. It was dropped eventually. Maybe because I never stayed longer, I'm not sure.
But I'm not here to dwell on the past. My grandmother just gave me the green light. I always said I wouldn't move to California without having paid off my loans because it was just so expensive. Now I'm just afraid. She told me not to be. But I have literally no excuse for anything now. With all the weirdness of my growing up I was still given everything I could of asked for because of my mom and my grandma.
I think the best way I can show how grateful I am to them is living a life unafraid. Unapologetic for who I am because I am amazing. There's part of me that doesn't want to say that, we're taught we should be humble and there is a part of life that requires that. But I'm tired of apologizing for who I am. Yes, I am still figuring things out. There are so many experiences I avoided for so long because I was afraid. But I am figuring it out. I deserve to live an amazing life that was started by the people who love me the most.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Tic
I don't know what to do.
I will start writing more things down in a journal. Honestly, in hopes that my future grandchildren or whatever are amused. Or maybe just for my later self to be amused.
I feel like I knew who I was so clearly when I began forming these ideas. It is okay that I don't now.But every time I regain a piece of me it's something that was there all along.
Work. Is not working out. Every email is personal and I hate that. I kind of have two bosses? They occasionally want to tell me what to do? It's frustrating. I know I am playing it safe now. I can feel it.
I run into people I haven't seen in awhile and they all tell me they enjoy hearing about my adventures. They don't know about this part of it I suppose. The part where I own no furniture. How my bedroom is lime green because I dont want to put in the effort of changing them if I'm just going to move. Last year was the year thinking I had a home outside of where I grew up only to realize this year that the safest place for home to be is in me otherwise I risk it changing or going away.
My old dorm from college is completely demolished. An old theater too. My high school band room door is non existent now. And tradition is completely gone because two of my grandmothers died this year and just going to their house was family tradition. They were the reason my family could put on our happy faces and faked it until we made it. One of my grandmas finally started giving me gift appropriate presents a few years ago too.
I spend so much of my time by myself.
On the boy front. You know, I just can't. A guy from tour started telling me he wants to impregnate me. I always thought he was joking about me coming to his room when he would shout it at me after we checked into hotels. Curtis was the first guy that ever felt like a viable option for me. Then again, maybe that was the safe option. It's way easier to love someone when they don't love you. Ali's dropped off the planet the past two weeks. I don't feel needy about our lack of contact. More concerned. I should be amused I heard from him more when he was traipsing around Africa than when he got back to Chicago. I seem to be that safety net for most of the men I run into. Some place holder until the real thing happens.
I know we tell people how to treat us. I just don't know what I'm saying. I illicit the same response from men. More times than not they think I would be a great one night stand and an awesome mother. Clearly I am not telling people the right things when it comes to how they treat me. I don't know how to treat me anymore.
I just have so much time to myself.
I will start writing more things down in a journal. Honestly, in hopes that my future grandchildren or whatever are amused. Or maybe just for my later self to be amused.
I feel like I knew who I was so clearly when I began forming these ideas. It is okay that I don't now.But every time I regain a piece of me it's something that was there all along.
Work. Is not working out. Every email is personal and I hate that. I kind of have two bosses? They occasionally want to tell me what to do? It's frustrating. I know I am playing it safe now. I can feel it.
I run into people I haven't seen in awhile and they all tell me they enjoy hearing about my adventures. They don't know about this part of it I suppose. The part where I own no furniture. How my bedroom is lime green because I dont want to put in the effort of changing them if I'm just going to move. Last year was the year thinking I had a home outside of where I grew up only to realize this year that the safest place for home to be is in me otherwise I risk it changing or going away.
My old dorm from college is completely demolished. An old theater too. My high school band room door is non existent now. And tradition is completely gone because two of my grandmothers died this year and just going to their house was family tradition. They were the reason my family could put on our happy faces and faked it until we made it. One of my grandmas finally started giving me gift appropriate presents a few years ago too.
I spend so much of my time by myself.
On the boy front. You know, I just can't. A guy from tour started telling me he wants to impregnate me. I always thought he was joking about me coming to his room when he would shout it at me after we checked into hotels. Curtis was the first guy that ever felt like a viable option for me. Then again, maybe that was the safe option. It's way easier to love someone when they don't love you. Ali's dropped off the planet the past two weeks. I don't feel needy about our lack of contact. More concerned. I should be amused I heard from him more when he was traipsing around Africa than when he got back to Chicago. I seem to be that safety net for most of the men I run into. Some place holder until the real thing happens.
I know we tell people how to treat us. I just don't know what I'm saying. I illicit the same response from men. More times than not they think I would be a great one night stand and an awesome mother. Clearly I am not telling people the right things when it comes to how they treat me. I don't know how to treat me anymore.
I just have so much time to myself.
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