Present.

I will write this in a journal.

I wanted to write before yesterday too but yesterday gives me reason enough.

My roommates have been out of town leaving me alone in a huge house, which becomes quite scary at night because the living room is mostly windows and we live off the beaten path a little. Last night I slept well though. My grandmother stopped by on her way from Springfield to St. Louis.

It's kind of odd how life has put us in similar positions. Suddenly she found herself splitting time inbetween two places not being able to call either one home. I haven't had a home in awhile. I kind of squeeze in where I can at my parents house. Even when I was there in high school I was living in an unfinished room that wasn't too comforting. I find the feelings I get from seeing old friends much more comforting than any four walls I've been in lately.

I was having a hard time at work. It's kind of silly why. It was because it has been too easy this year. That's right. I sat in the office with two of my bosses getting emotional because I haven't felt utterly crushed like last year. They gave me another assistant this year. They finally gave me my business cards too. Giving my grandmother the first business card I've had in my life was pretty awesome. She was so excited. Because she has helped me get to here.

I was really emotional at my high school graduation. My dad showed up and no one told me he was going to. I literally sobbed in the car for quite awhile. I remember after I saw him I saw a funeral procession and thought it was fitting for the mood I was in. I think I was upset because he hadn't helped me get to there. 13 years of public school that he wasn't around for. Why did he show up at the end? It's the same way I felt about Tim being at my college graduation, to a lesser agree but I've never been wholly supported by the men in my life until later. I could tell I was jealous a little of how comfortable my sister Jessica is around Jeff. How he's at all her games. Clearly he's not incapable of love, it just didn't work out for me. I still get jealous of the commercial for some jewelry company when the guy proposes to the women or something and then also gives jewelry to her daughter too. I compare it to the time Tim proposed to my mother by making her breakfast and said I could have the leftovers, if there was any. They even got married in Vegas. Without me.

That's probably why single dads don't scare me. I appreciate their devotion to their kids and putting their kids before being someone because I have been that kid before.

Anyway, that's not really the point of all this. For Christmas my grandmother paid off my student loan. The one I thought I would pay off for the next decade. It is actually in my mother's name but I've been paying on all my loans no matter who's name was on it. My mom said she had planned on helping me but she stopped working when my siblings were born and Tim. Well, I don't get it. He doesn't feel responsible for me I guess. I don't need him to feel that way. When I was out of college he drove quite the wedge between me and home. He said I had to pay rent of $200 for any stay over 10 days at the house. Keep in mind, I've never been a slacker. Keep in mind he crashed at my mom's apartment for years never paying anything. He told me that the men involved in scouting compared it to indians or something all contributing to the tribe. I slept in my car to avoid being home more than 10 days. It was dropped eventually. Maybe because I never stayed longer, I'm not sure.

But I'm not here to dwell on the past. My grandmother just gave me the green light. I always said I wouldn't move to California without having paid off my loans because it was just so expensive. Now I'm just afraid. She told me not to be. But I have literally no excuse for anything now. With all the weirdness of my growing up I was still given everything I could of asked for because of my mom and my grandma.

I think the best way I can show how grateful I am to them is living a life unafraid. Unapologetic for who I am because I am amazing. There's part of me that doesn't want to say that, we're taught we should be humble and there is a part of life that requires that. But I'm tired of apologizing for who I am. Yes, I am still figuring things out. There are so many experiences I avoided for so long because I was afraid. But I am figuring it out. I deserve to live an amazing life that was started by the people who love me the most.