Thirsty

I am not particularly happy. I'm not sure I ever am and yet I probably am. Every time I think I'm sad now I get flashbacks as a kid in highschool. Choosing to sit on a cement stoop watching an empty flagpole clang about. How I did that walking home from Radio City too. There's this quiet emptiness inside me that most of the time I enjoy but sometimes I choose to kick and scream about.

The constant feeling of being a latchkey kid. Before my mom was always working and I had to wait. I remember so clearly having her heel sounds memorized as she rounded the apartment we lived in. In a time where there was no cable. Only Ricky Lake. Now she's generally gone because of the PTO or church. I've always been excited to be a big sister.I worry I am not there enough for them but life isn't set up to have siblings 12 years apart grow up together.

I am surrounded by couples. I think people in a couple forget that their other isn't them. I do not want your boyfriend to see me in my pjs in my house. My friends have all admitted in the past few days of using my exploits as a source of amusement between them and their other. One other suggested I must be an imaginary friend because I don't sound real. I will try not to tell them as much.

I dont reread what Ive written. I am not even sure who these entries are for really.

But it's there. Should someone need them someday.

L