Sweet

So. I am back in the state Missouri.

I spent all summer working in NYC working at Radio City Music Hall. Week in Telluride. Weekend in STL. Two weeks in Milwaukee and then three weeks in Chicago. It's been hectic. I've learned a lot I think.

New York taught me how to say yes to a lot of situations. To go for things whole heartedly. I felt attractive there. I never bought a drink and even when I planned on it the bartenders would say it was on them, even the girls. NYC is full of young people creating, learning, growing- it was nice. Plus my AGT family is great and really believes in me. That's nice to be around. And I went out on my first date. A series of dates once the boy found out I was only in town for 2.5 weeks by the time we hung out. He was so assertive taking me to the highline and dive bars and twirling me around before he kissed me. We were suppose to keep talking once I left but a week after he said he couldn't do the distance thing. He felt bad but it was very upfront of him and sweet. We're still friends and he definitely added more standards to how I want to be treated.

Milwaukee is a great festival. Everyone there felt like family and looked out for each other. By the end of it not only were they demanding I come back next year but they wanted to put me in a higher position. It was terrific.

Chicago. Chicago was interesting. Living in a high rise. My favorite weather was fog so I could pretend I was living in a cloud. I tried to play domestic with the guy whose place I was staying at. He had just gotten back from Turkey/Greece/Africa/London tour. It reminded me of the last time I hung out with a guy at his house. We didn't know what to do with each other. I'm so use to going on adventures by myself that it got overwhelming at times. I also met a musician that was full of nice words and seemed sincere. I found out he was a single dad later which made me nervous. Not because I'm anti single dad but I could never put myself through babymama drama again and it almost seems inevitable.

I think I'm finally having to step into the role of woman and not just girl. It feels awkward. I want to treat myself better. Stop saying sorry. Figure out what I really want. Exercise. Write. Create. I can do it. I can feel it in me. That awesomeness that I know has to be there. I've been lucky to run into so many men that tell me these things too. Which probably sounds anti feminist or what not but this is the first time I've allowed men into my life in any capacity. I've started to realize the scars of not having a dad around. What it means to be fatherless. I don't regret it. I've stopped blaming myself and I'm growing. Slowly but surely. I can't wait to see what else is in store.