Staying Put

I just spent my night reading half of Patti Lapone's bio in a sports bar on a Saturday night. It was a good choice. My roomies are having a dinner party and I always feel more than anti social when I settle in back at home. Everyone here is a couple and do ordinary, daily life things. I can't begin to comprehend it or feel comfortable in it.

I think that's why it felt weird when Chicago boy and I holed up together. I mean, one of the many reasons. I just didn't know how to act. It was an act. I wanted to be housewifey. I cooked meals- I hadn't cooked in a year or something and as far as cooking for another person, probably never. His texts stopped coming in after that. It's only been a few days but I know how this goes. The idea of someone is much more attractive than the actual someone.

But how I enjoy the idea of someones. I love dwelling on Luke. I remember studying him before I knew him. He wore crazy socks, his eyes twitched as he read the script. You could tell he was making character choices before he said the lines at the read through. He was handsome and quirky at the same time. I decided he could totally play Curtis if I ever made a film about the whole thing. Oddly enough the script he was working on required him to be slightly into fetish and what not. It made me uncomfortable. Everyone ate it up though. I felt like suddenly they were as charmed by him as I was after that.

They told me I had to babysit him if we took him into town. I was all for it. Went up to him and told him what's what. He was game. We never introduced ourselves to each other. I think those are the best kinds of relationships. When you can skip the get to know yous. We're not besties by any means. But the other day he sent my Bob Dylan lyrics about playing the harmonica.I'm starting to play. I think it'll be good for me. I dont suspect I will ever master it. But I think I will enjoy it.

I'm 27. I don't know which way is up. I've been very lucky. I never feel lucky though. I mean, I rarely feel lucky. I still can't believe I stood centerstage at Radio City Music Hall. I think I'm more capable than I let myself believe. I want a new goal. I want to reach for something. I want to fail at something. I have no kids, no partner and being home makes me feel more "single" than ever. But I do like being single. I like leaving when I want to leave. I like not having to come to a group decision. It's just,there's a lot of alone time. People always say you should be comfortable with yourself and all that jazz. I wonder how much time they actually spend alone. Most of my friends have been in long time serious relationships for a hot second now. I know I come second to all of that. I'm constantly scheduled when boyfriends are away. It happens.

Ive been listening to my old mixed cds from high school. They make me really happy.