Work threw our last party last night, so I was a little tipsy. Cleaning up I took a second to look at the stars over the mountain. My first instinct was to think this is terribly romantic. I am lucky enough to constantly work in beautiful places but I am always alone. So then I was thinking it would be nice to have someone to share this with.
Then I remembered what happened the last time I was looking at the stars with someone and how he kissed me and now we don't talk anymore. So maybe it's not as romantic as I instinctively think it is.
Since I didn't go to the after after party I sat there trying not to email him or what not. Chances are whatever I thought was profound after some st.germaine, would not be so when I was more sober in the morning. So I did the next best thing, start reading old entries his ex/current wrote years ago. I am not sure how I even found them. And I will admit, it's weird. And probably kind of creepy. But the thing is, I knew nothing about her and she had been following me online. He told me she had. So here's me following her now. Not now, now but who she was. I also thought I would never have closure because of how he decided to end things. The most passive way possible. Without any conversation and no hopes of closure. But Im guessing with this kind of thing closure is something you have to find for yourself.
It's funny. Everytime she wrote about doing something I couldn't imagine doing she would mention a book or something I would have been reading around the same time. The only difference is when I was reading it I was talking to my favorite musician about how interesting the ideas were and getting enough courage to travel. She was trying to figure out how to like her kid.
It made me realize I was never a trainwreck. I bought my own car, constantly find my own jobs, house myself...
She had these entries about falling for a few guys but still depending on Curtis.To me that was so weird. But I am the type of girl that people let walk home at night in a neighborhood full of coke dealers or whatever. I take care of myself. And suddenly the positive things he told me about me made sense. Why he would pick up on certain things.
I worked with this guy Stephen recently. He came up with the term, "You accept the love you think you deserve" I've had the phrase in my head for awhile. I think it makes sense in this place. I didn't realize all the dysfunction that was involved with his situation. I also think it was naive on my part to think that just because I wasn't in his life anymore things must be so much better for him. Like I was this black hole. I'm not. I love loving people. I do hope he is happy and they can figure out how to love each other. Not just depend on each other. People deserve more than settled contentment I think. I think it's okay to still love him. Not like love love but you know, care? I haven't liked many men in my life but for the ones I have, they still have a place within me.
Last week was the first time I ever thought that my dad disappointed me. Im not sure why it took so long to say. People are complicated I guess. Being on this mountain is always a safe haven for trying to figure out feelings. Everyone here is an artist. They get it.
Trainwrecks don't make it to Radio City Music Hall. They don't pay all their bills. They don't have all this amazing friends all over the country.
Im in a good place.
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