As it stands

Writing this from Radio City because it's a slow day.

Just got back from Telluride somewhat sick and sunburned. I only saw two films, but I got what I wanted from the experience anyway.

I went in there thinking even if nothing between us changed that I had the job. The fest had paid me to be there, so I belonged. I felt guilty for thinking that too but I was trying to figure out how to make it work.

I passed him. Then I stood there thinking I am in the middle of this mountain town. So much effort goes into getting here, I can't not. So I walked back and was surprised when he seemed to step in my direction though he was in conversation with someone else.

When he mumbled sorry it hadn't even occurred to me the last time we really talked was when he was saying we couldn't be friends. That is, of course, minus last year's conversation about coconut water. I really don't remember what else we talked about after that. I had thought about this conversation for more time than I would like to admit. All the mean things I could have said or something. But I didn't want to be mean. I just cared.

He looks different. More grey in his beard. Lost weight. I wanted to take care of him but I can't. You can't love a person into who you know they can be. That sounds so cheesy. He said he leaned on my positive opinion of him often, being around him always made me feel like a better person. I felt this light around me. Again, cheesy but true.

I wish I remember more of what we said that day.

The last day was nice too. I don't think he realizes how proud his kid is of him. She was telling the rest of the  kids in the park about him. It's funny the way she calls him "father."  So formal.

I appreciated him trying to amuse me. And I realized I miss his jokes. His awkwardness. How he can tell a joke and it takes me two seconds to understand it. Clever.

I liked the way she waved at me the last time I saw them walking.

It was overwhelming in a good way. We had been going through the trauma of liking someone, not liking someone, not being able to fit in with someone's life and then poof.  I thought it would be years before we talked again, but it wasn't. Suddenly, everything was fine. I felt like I have been given freedom. There's no excuses anymore. I can't be mad. Or hurt. It happened. I learned a lot.

 I should write more later.