Gershwin died yesterday

Nick
Jesse
Curtis
James
Erik
Von
Ali
Carl
Ugh
Grey Sweater
Luigi
Chris
Ben
Tim
Aaron
Colin
VIP

Its never going to work out.

Who counts kisses.

14

Ugh. Ha. We meet again.

I deserve better than what I'm allowing myself to receive.

Though- I have gotten better. I've turned down all the jobs that I felt were taking advantage of me. I feel like a victim saying that but I don't mean it that way. It's time to move on and raise the standards of my interactions with people.

I deserve better than the junk food I eat or the inappropriate texts I get.

There has to be something better than what's going on right now.

Today I helped my grandmother cut dead limbs off trees in her yard. It was a great metaphor. We have to cut off the things that aren't contributing the the greater whole so that we can put the energy into what's working.

I went through old journals from college today. So much that I wrote off handedly means so much now. And how did I know, then forget all the quirky things that would happen to me the past few years? I truly believe what happens to me was ingrained in me far before I was conscious of it.

I'm 29. I can tell I'm almost there. I really think so

Swipe left

I find guys who tell me that I over think rather creepy. Generally because it's like "Lex, you over think, just do me." Nike beat you to it boys.

The second guy to ever kiss me messaged me the other day. According to Facebook we last talked in 2013. I knew it before he said it, he had been dumped by his long term girlfriend. He was lonely and depressed blah blah blah

Pair that with the guy from high school who was recently divorced

Or the coworker that was recently separated

Or the guy in high school who was head over heels for me and decided to tell me he had just had group sex and it all adds up to screw you guys.

I know I was a fling to Curtis.

It's nice to know effort isn't being put in to not talk to me anymore. And he kept mentioning the girl half his age.

Why am I that person? That I'll make it all better or at least I won't make it worse person. And what's so wrong with expectations anyway. Now the only way to connect with someone is to not connect with them at all. It's completely unsexy the way things happen these days.

And work. I don't know what I want to do anymore. Every job interview asks what my hobbies are. I'm sorry, hobbies? 12 hour days and you want me to have a hobby too? I thought about cooking today and ate a bowl of cereal. I'm exhausted. People are officially making me feel old by saying  I am too experienced to be in the jobs I'm in. I know it's a compliment. To know what I'm doing, but still. I don't know what that next step is.

cinnamon

I haven't developed anything here. It's like the most passive way to communicate ever.

It's like half for my future self and half for you if you felt like stumbling here since I know you have in the past.

I've felt like a drug addict lately. I mean that in the most loose sense of someone who's never even seen a drug harder than pot. I just have this feeling like I need to dry out or something. I don't know what I'm doing. I said yes to a job that will delay my progress for 2 months. There's no progress. Other people think there is but after 8 years of graduating college I am still doing the same thing. Which wouldn't really matter but sometimes I worry about future me. What am I going to do when I can't take one for the team. Because its always me having to take one.

People like to not pay me lately. I don't know what this means. If it should involved my self esteem or not.

What are WE suppose to do now by the way? You can't guarantee I won't get hurt.That's what sucks about this situation. I don't feel bad about forgiving you. I worried I would. I feel like I'm always the one who has to accommodate other people. 

It is amusing though. You come back into my life just as someone conveniently disappears from it. Like only one guy can cut me off at a time. Well two. My dad + one. Sure a therapist would love to talk about that. And my dad hasn't really cut me off. He writes me poorly written facebook messages on holidays. He's a great dad to my siblings from what I can tell.

I realize I'm going to turn 29 and I still don't see myself as a woman. A guy the other day said I was. It's funny. He pursued me quite aggressively at Sundance. Then I saw a job posting online I would be great for but it's his company. Both of us were amused. It's a tv production company too so it kinda seems like the beginning of a bad porno. He says I'm hard to read. He can't tell what I want. Guys always want things right away and then they disappear. Why do they always forget that part? So that's why I "overthink" or whatever. Because I know the enthusiasm disappears. I'm not sure how to make it stick. Every guy I've been with disappears or feels guilty. I don't know what I'm doing or how I attract that. It wasn't all bad though. It's just they think it's a unique conversation to have and I've had this conversation with almost all of them.

My sister gets really sad sometimes. I remember that. That age. I wish her having me made things better but she doesn't talk. Around her age I got it into my head that my purpose was to not have a kid at 20. I knew it was a story but I figured every women in my family kinda had a kid at 20 and maybe I'd accomplish more if I didn't. Like maybe I could be truly happy.  I know that's severely twisted. My grandmother now mentions me finding a guy often now. It started when I turned 27. I think maybe relationships are learned or something. And since my grandmother was mostly alone or in undefined things and my mom. Well, my step dad was always around. Even that phrase step dad seems weird because dad is in it. Why doesn't he seem like a father figure to me? I stopped going to church with my family most of the time because I always start crying on the spot. I think the father figure part makes me uncomfortable. I'd prefer the spirit looking out for us to be a Mother Nature of sorts. 

When I write this I don't really re read it. Which is nice. Steward Stern said to write that way. He just passed away. Wendy passed away. It's sad. The Labs always seem so magical that it's sad to know it's real life too. People die. I feel like I forget Patty died a lot. When I get stressed out I think my cat's still around. I always associate growing up with when he died. Its when I started touring and stuff. Adrienne's the only one I ever talked to about it. I tend to sublet for people with animals who don't like people but then they end up liking me. I think they know I need the extra support.

I feel unusual. 

Security guards love to hit on me. I feel like this makes a bad security guard. At the grocery store I told him I was working and would be gone soon. Which is true but also he just made me uncomfortable. I don't have enough groceries to last me until NYC.

I rarely believe compliments I'm given. I'm not sure where I learned to be this harsh.

Lots have happened I suppose.

Accidentally move to LA for 8 months. Pack up my stuff to go on a national tour and get let go after 3 days when I'm not what they want. They try to send me back to LA but instead I see my family in Missouri

My grandmother called concerned I would get rusty in my time off. It's not enjoyable time off really though I like being able to see friends.

My family is too busy with church and PTA to hang out with me and when they are home everyone goes to their room.

I keep losing the feeling in my fingers.

I just feel very overwhelmed. I want a lot of things and everything just seems to crumble. My panic with Vegasboy has now moved into panic over an old job. I told them when they cut half my salary that I couldn't work for them anymore. They said I should have negotiated. I thought I had given too much of myself to them and it felt like they were taking advantage. I feel like I've left a cult. There's this huge thing I can no longer talk to people about.

My first date in LA just got engaged. I think he met her a week after we went out. She's pretty.

Everyone thinks my love life is pretty amusing. I think it's the way I tell it because if I don't say it in just the right way it's just kind of sad.

An ex coworker invited me to Paris and wants to knock me up.

The guy I took the most care to get to know after the whole Vegas thing fell off the face of the planet now that hes not in Africa or hiking. How weird is that.

It's just tiring. I've always been successful in my career. I had a really important interview cancelled 15 minutes before I was suppose to have it for a company I am very eager to work with. I feel like I'm attracting all this negative energy that's messing with things as hippy as that sounds.

Im not entirely sure I cant just go live in my car by the beach

10/19/14

Six months in Hollywood is the longest I've been anywhere since college.

I spend my weekends at the beach or hating myself.

T/F offered me $4000 to work for five months and when I rejected it immediately required who ever is taking my spot to only be around for two. They blamed me. I realized recently it was the equivalent to when I last saw my dad and he gave me $60. He's never paid child support or anything.  These people are literally telling me I am not worth that much.

I invested too much of me into T/F. Now look what I'm left with? Not to say that technically things are going just fine for me. But I can't talk to any of them anymore. I feel like such an outsider. When I left Missouri my grandmother told me my boss wasn't my dad. It was weird comment. Then there's Frank who said we're just friends after I flipped on him not telling me he has two kids. Considering we've known each other for four years.

My family spend last thanksgiving at a casino. It all crumbled. Tradition. The things I'm use to. Comfort. I'm lucky if my mom can pull herself away from PTA or scouting or what not to text me once every two weeks.

I still want to shake Curtis and tell him how wrong he was even though it wouldn't amount to anything. My friends were right in reminding me that just because he has cancer doesn't mean he's not a jerk. After I wished him well it was clear he still is.

Nick got married. Is it too late to tell his fiance how much of a creep he was?

If I could have anything I wanted in the world I'm not sure what I would ask for. Unlimited freedom is still scary.  I miss my guitar.

Im suppose to find out tomorrow if I go on tour. My friend asked me to work on Tokyo Dinsey special effects..we'll see how it plays out

Spilled strawberry water

Ive been writing in a real journal so yay future grandchildren will know things about me. Or something.

I'm so tired.

Weekends mean alone time to figure out what the hell I'm doing. Not sure how I feel about that.

I was thinking the other day, if I ever start dating someone they're probably going to end up being 40. I've already surpassed the teenage love and newly adult love. I have no practice in it, only an idea I've had for awhile on what things should be like.

Curtis has cancer. A friend had to remind me he was still a jerk to me. I appreciated her telling me that.

I don't know when my thinking has been this bad before. Feeling like I never quite fit at work and in life over all I suppose. I wish my mother would call me more. She's busy.

I found out Frank has two kids he never told me about. Which is kind of what I get I suppose. I was using him as the counterpart to Curtis. Two guys I met at the same time. Curtis smooshes my heart but at least I have Frank- a guy I'm more honest with than anyone. Only to find out four years later he wasn't lying to me but I don't think never talking about your kids in four years is telling the truth.

A married Morman man was trying to get me to go out with him until he realized we have a mutual friend in common.

I need to find that thing I can do for myself.