The internet and social media hasn't seemed the same to me I guess. It's hard to figure out what is personal and what has weight and how we are really communicating with each other when we put words to "pages" like this.
So where to start?
Before I went to Sundance my grandmother made me sign up for life insurance. It's one of those becoming an adult things I guess. I find it an uncomfortable thing to do. Then I went to Sundance. I lived so much there. It was such a high. It truly is like Brigadoon. Most of my favorite people were in one spot and I had such little inhibition. I talked to so many awesome people. Even kissed a few boys without regret, which isn't something I'm use to. I got to see so many of my friends and the art they created. It was wonderful. I love Sundance days. You get up go to work and then get swept up in the wave of possibilities. You get to geek out talking to Josh Radnor about raw chicken. I feel two degrees or less away from everyone. Not in the Kevin Bacon way- in the we're all human way. There's this inherent trust that comes from festival people. I think its the gypsy lifestyle. There's sharing of food and Shasta and bed sharing and free rides to the airport. Everyone is so giving. I don't think I could have lived anymore than I had in those two weeks.
So I should have seen this coming.At least that's what I would say. My friend Kate yells at me for saying stuff like that. If I had truly seen it coming then I would have known. There's no way I could have known. It's too personal. I watched myself as I reacted to this news. Who I felt comfortable telling. It wasn't many. It's all part of the circle of life right? It has to happen. When Curtis told me he was done with me in the back of my head I thought this would be the time I could turn to him and he would realize I'm still human.I thought maybe in a few years it might happen. In a weird turn of events he seemed to realize before it even happened. It's just a coincidence that I am going through the same thing he did almost a year ago. I remember how guilty I felt for not being there for him. Crazy, I know. I can appreciate things as coincidence now I suppose. Last year when I was with my two grandmas celebrating ones birthday and he lost his. It didn't mean anything. Maybe February just doesn't like grandmas?
I was naive when it comes to losing people because it hadn't happened to me really. 26 years old I suppose I was lucky to get this far. I didn't know two years ago people could change their mind about someone in a minute or be so careless. Or that people can just breath their last breath without struggle and just disappear one day. I don't regret anything. I think everything I've been a part of has shaped who I am today and who I am becoming. The hardest part about losing her was the faith she had in me. Pure faith that I could do anything. People who hadn't seen me in awhile gasped when they saw me. I was younger when they saw me last. They looked the same to me, I remembered them well. But I suppose I am changing. She always commented on who I was becoming so it was comforting to hear it from them as well. Not in an affirmation kind of way, but because they sounded like her.
It's funny that True/False's theme this year is about the "collective architecture of the impossible." Maybe that's what being 20 something is about. What are you building? In some way she felt like home. Holidays were meant to conclude at her house. It was like the little part that lasted from my childhood after everyone else went their separate ways when they started families. My first and only blind date was with this bio professor who studies birds. I asked him if birds got frustrated with building their homes constantly and he told me he hadn't thought of it like that. In a way, I think I'm like a bird. I don't own furniture. I'm starting to realize the ideas I have about home are best carried within me and not where I am. That's part of the conversations I remember about Curtis too. He was building his home. He asked me a few times if I liked his house. Talked about family. Maybe that's why I was intrigued.
I had never thought of growing up much. I still don't have an ultimate destination. Frank likes to tell me I'm in a good place. He's right.
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