cinnamon

I haven't developed anything here. It's like the most passive way to communicate ever.

It's like half for my future self and half for you if you felt like stumbling here since I know you have in the past.

I've felt like a drug addict lately. I mean that in the most loose sense of someone who's never even seen a drug harder than pot. I just have this feeling like I need to dry out or something. I don't know what I'm doing. I said yes to a job that will delay my progress for 2 months. There's no progress. Other people think there is but after 8 years of graduating college I am still doing the same thing. Which wouldn't really matter but sometimes I worry about future me. What am I going to do when I can't take one for the team. Because its always me having to take one.

People like to not pay me lately. I don't know what this means. If it should involved my self esteem or not.

What are WE suppose to do now by the way? You can't guarantee I won't get hurt.That's what sucks about this situation. I don't feel bad about forgiving you. I worried I would. I feel like I'm always the one who has to accommodate other people. 

It is amusing though. You come back into my life just as someone conveniently disappears from it. Like only one guy can cut me off at a time. Well two. My dad + one. Sure a therapist would love to talk about that. And my dad hasn't really cut me off. He writes me poorly written facebook messages on holidays. He's a great dad to my siblings from what I can tell.

I realize I'm going to turn 29 and I still don't see myself as a woman. A guy the other day said I was. It's funny. He pursued me quite aggressively at Sundance. Then I saw a job posting online I would be great for but it's his company. Both of us were amused. It's a tv production company too so it kinda seems like the beginning of a bad porno. He says I'm hard to read. He can't tell what I want. Guys always want things right away and then they disappear. Why do they always forget that part? So that's why I "overthink" or whatever. Because I know the enthusiasm disappears. I'm not sure how to make it stick. Every guy I've been with disappears or feels guilty. I don't know what I'm doing or how I attract that. It wasn't all bad though. It's just they think it's a unique conversation to have and I've had this conversation with almost all of them.

My sister gets really sad sometimes. I remember that. That age. I wish her having me made things better but she doesn't talk. Around her age I got it into my head that my purpose was to not have a kid at 20. I knew it was a story but I figured every women in my family kinda had a kid at 20 and maybe I'd accomplish more if I didn't. Like maybe I could be truly happy.  I know that's severely twisted. My grandmother now mentions me finding a guy often now. It started when I turned 27. I think maybe relationships are learned or something. And since my grandmother was mostly alone or in undefined things and my mom. Well, my step dad was always around. Even that phrase step dad seems weird because dad is in it. Why doesn't he seem like a father figure to me? I stopped going to church with my family most of the time because I always start crying on the spot. I think the father figure part makes me uncomfortable. I'd prefer the spirit looking out for us to be a Mother Nature of sorts. 

When I write this I don't really re read it. Which is nice. Steward Stern said to write that way. He just passed away. Wendy passed away. It's sad. The Labs always seem so magical that it's sad to know it's real life too. People die. I feel like I forget Patty died a lot. When I get stressed out I think my cat's still around. I always associate growing up with when he died. Its when I started touring and stuff. Adrienne's the only one I ever talked to about it. I tend to sublet for people with animals who don't like people but then they end up liking me. I think they know I need the extra support.

I feel unusual. 

Security guards love to hit on me. I feel like this makes a bad security guard. At the grocery store I told him I was working and would be gone soon. Which is true but also he just made me uncomfortable. I don't have enough groceries to last me until NYC.

I rarely believe compliments I'm given. I'm not sure where I learned to be this harsh.

Lots have happened I suppose.

Accidentally move to LA for 8 months. Pack up my stuff to go on a national tour and get let go after 3 days when I'm not what they want. They try to send me back to LA but instead I see my family in Missouri

My grandmother called concerned I would get rusty in my time off. It's not enjoyable time off really though I like being able to see friends.

My family is too busy with church and PTA to hang out with me and when they are home everyone goes to their room.

I keep losing the feeling in my fingers.

I just feel very overwhelmed. I want a lot of things and everything just seems to crumble. My panic with Vegasboy has now moved into panic over an old job. I told them when they cut half my salary that I couldn't work for them anymore. They said I should have negotiated. I thought I had given too much of myself to them and it felt like they were taking advantage. I feel like I've left a cult. There's this huge thing I can no longer talk to people about.

My first date in LA just got engaged. I think he met her a week after we went out. She's pretty.

Everyone thinks my love life is pretty amusing. I think it's the way I tell it because if I don't say it in just the right way it's just kind of sad.

An ex coworker invited me to Paris and wants to knock me up.

The guy I took the most care to get to know after the whole Vegas thing fell off the face of the planet now that hes not in Africa or hiking. How weird is that.

It's just tiring. I've always been successful in my career. I had a really important interview cancelled 15 minutes before I was suppose to have it for a company I am very eager to work with. I feel like I'm attracting all this negative energy that's messing with things as hippy as that sounds.

Im not entirely sure I cant just go live in my car by the beach

10/19/14

Six months in Hollywood is the longest I've been anywhere since college.

I spend my weekends at the beach or hating myself.

T/F offered me $4000 to work for five months and when I rejected it immediately required who ever is taking my spot to only be around for two. They blamed me. I realized recently it was the equivalent to when I last saw my dad and he gave me $60. He's never paid child support or anything.  These people are literally telling me I am not worth that much.

I invested too much of me into T/F. Now look what I'm left with? Not to say that technically things are going just fine for me. But I can't talk to any of them anymore. I feel like such an outsider. When I left Missouri my grandmother told me my boss wasn't my dad. It was weird comment. Then there's Frank who said we're just friends after I flipped on him not telling me he has two kids. Considering we've known each other for four years.

My family spend last thanksgiving at a casino. It all crumbled. Tradition. The things I'm use to. Comfort. I'm lucky if my mom can pull herself away from PTA or scouting or what not to text me once every two weeks.

I still want to shake Curtis and tell him how wrong he was even though it wouldn't amount to anything. My friends were right in reminding me that just because he has cancer doesn't mean he's not a jerk. After I wished him well it was clear he still is.

Nick got married. Is it too late to tell his fiance how much of a creep he was?

If I could have anything I wanted in the world I'm not sure what I would ask for. Unlimited freedom is still scary.  I miss my guitar.

Im suppose to find out tomorrow if I go on tour. My friend asked me to work on Tokyo Dinsey special effects..we'll see how it plays out

Spilled strawberry water

Ive been writing in a real journal so yay future grandchildren will know things about me. Or something.

I'm so tired.

Weekends mean alone time to figure out what the hell I'm doing. Not sure how I feel about that.

I was thinking the other day, if I ever start dating someone they're probably going to end up being 40. I've already surpassed the teenage love and newly adult love. I have no practice in it, only an idea I've had for awhile on what things should be like.

Curtis has cancer. A friend had to remind me he was still a jerk to me. I appreciated her telling me that.

I don't know when my thinking has been this bad before. Feeling like I never quite fit at work and in life over all I suppose. I wish my mother would call me more. She's busy.

I found out Frank has two kids he never told me about. Which is kind of what I get I suppose. I was using him as the counterpart to Curtis. Two guys I met at the same time. Curtis smooshes my heart but at least I have Frank- a guy I'm more honest with than anyone. Only to find out four years later he wasn't lying to me but I don't think never talking about your kids in four years is telling the truth.

A married Morman man was trying to get me to go out with him until he realized we have a mutual friend in common.

I need to find that thing I can do for myself.

28

So I am 28.

I've lacked enthusiasm about it. Not the actual age but just the current state of things.

Which is completely lame. I just got done running operations for one of the coolest festivals in the US and everyone said I did a great job but I am hard to read. They want me to be more enthusiastic and communicate. But I did a great job. Something about it never felt right.

I am currently rehearsing and have performances in two of the biggest theaters in my city. This is also neat but something is off.

The festival was fun at moments. I met a boy, like I do. We had fun. Awkward, funny, where-did-you-learn-that kinda fun. And we still talk! So that's always a plus.

Then there's the guy I took time to get to know who fell off the face of the earth once we got close. He gets international texting to talk to me while he's in Africa every day and then after we see each other in Utah falls off the face of the planet in one of those "who am i" quests that the boys who like me tend to go on once I feel comfortable with them. Ah well, least he's not on a mission right?

Then there's the NYC boy. Who's no boy at all. He's a man. By all means. We don't text but he sends me messages on my bday. He makes me feel like a woman. Like how I should feel. At 28 I should be comfortable saying I'm a woman but I still feel odd about it. And this sex thing is still weird. Finding that balance between what you want and what you should do.

I dunno. Career wise I'm not sure what the goal is. I'm not sure there is one. Just new adventures.

My grandmother moved 3 hours away. I know I travel a lot but I've never felt far from her. When I was little I cried when she moved 20 minutes away and now I feel that same kid in me completely upset by her moving. In a lot of ways we're in the same spot. Not grounded in any home. Trying to figure out what we want.

I want to get healthy, have a clear mind. Confidence. Without anyone else's energy being put in me.

We'll see.

boys II men

I wonder what old me would think of current me. I mean, old me is still here right? In there somewhere.

Ali told me he would call me after his class which ended 7pm my time. Two weeks ago. Guess his window of "after" is slightly broader than mine. Old me would have mentioned it to him. New me hears him in my head saying I'm trying to make him feel guilty. So I'll leave it be. Why ask someone to give you attention?

This open window led to some interesting life choices the past weekend. Lets just say we tried to behave. Put our clothes back on at least four times. Messing around in public..kinda public..not your bedroom is amusing. And awkward. But awesome when you have someone who acknowledges the weirdness of it. And who juggles and plays harmonica. Talk about multitasker. He doesn't do both at the same time, just knows how to.  And he says all these beautiful things and focuses on you and doesn't sound like he's insincere ever. His family was actually the best wingman ever. They're super close. He loves his nieces and nephews. Seeing a family that together is really attractive.

After all that though, it's still just sex. As long as I travel that's all anything will be. I crave conversations. I want to get to know someone. God hand holding is sexy.

I have a month in CA planned. We'll see how that goes.

whiskey bath

I haven't been writing in my journal. I feel bad for my future generation. That they'll have to scavenger and hope there's part of me online or something.

I've been really frustrated lately. Not outright but clearly not happy. It just doesn't feel right. Sometimes I wonder if it ever feels right to me. I remember sitting outside on my high school stoop waiting to be picked up after a show while everyone else shared flowers and praise with each other inside. I caught myself in that moment once at Radio City too. I was staring at empty flag poles and all the sudden I realized I've been there before. I'm turning 28 soon. I know I'm still young but 28 is just old enough to give you enough time and distance between things that you wonder if they happened at all.

Last night I went to see a friend. He was bartending. There was live jazz music, albeit kinda dorky but he was giving me ginger beer and whiskey. He's one of those people I just like being around. I feel calmer. I feel like I don't have to force anything. This is also due to the fact we established we are not kissing. The older I get the more it seems relationships are these contracts you form with someone else. What are you comfortable with? What are you looking for? Where have you been? It's only a conversation I've had in lets say the past year. I don't think I really got it until Luigi. Something about him made me want to be more mature. With the opposite being naive, not immature.

I still have complete freedom. And it's still just as scary. I'm really looking for that next job I can sink myself into. I get worried about defining myself by the work I do. I'd like to be an awesome person outside of the cool things I do but I like to work. I like being good at what I do. I want to improve my craft though. Get more creative. Get more proactive in what is being put out into the world.

I feel like I'm the only one around for my grandma now. I mean, she lives close to her sister but I don't think that's fulfilling for her. It's hard sometimes because if I could just pin point the place that would make me happy and keep me employed she could come too but that's a commitment I can't make. In a way we're in the same spot of homelessness.Not in the normal way of the word but in looking for a community.

I know I have True/False but it just doesn't feel right. I feel like a parent. You give and you give and no one sees the wheels you spin or the frustration you have.Which is funny, the reason I don't feel like I fit in in Columbia is because I'm not remotely a parent. I live with two couples in the beginning stages of nesting. Whispering about engagement rings, house..and then there's me.In 28 years I will have failed to ever remotely be a part of a whole.I think mostly I'm okay with that. I have no big regrets.I'm still figuring out who I am.

Sundance was good. My boss/friend and I cleared up a lot of miscommunication. The first director she introduced me to she said I was a theater manager in my own right. Actually, a lot of people said I was a manager during the festival (I am not a manager at the festival) Kevin Smith had a great panel. Basically his sister told him he was a filmmaker who just hadn't made a film. I thought that was sweet. I freaked out on Ali a bit. I know film fest aren't a place for intimacy. But the time he did put towards me was nice. I totally did the drunk girl I'm gonna walk myself home I can take care of myself bit but I wasn't drunk and I got maybe two blocks away before he told me to get in the car. I think intimacy with someone is easier to take when you practice it with more people. I don't mean sex. More so the just being yourself part. The sharing who you are without the brick wall I tend to put up. At least with men.