Lace 2014

My jobs are like summer camp. I haven't seen my coworkers from NYC since September and we can't stop emailing each other. It's completely like family. Along with my festival friends who are so on the same page as me. It's crazy that we're scattered all through the country but be so similar. Fest life I guess.

In an odd turn of events. Back in the day I found pen pals in chatrooms. Which is probably more than a downfall than I originally anticipated. Anyway, I had this friend who told me a story with this odd phrase. I googled the phrase and found her. I found a blog where she said she had being grateful I was her friend and she made a comment that I always seemed to think I didn't make sense. I was like ahhh! a decade of me belittling myself. Stop that! Also, I found out she's friends with this guy I work with at the fest. Small, small world. Anyway.

Tomorrow is new years eve. I wasn't going to resolve to do anything but I know exactly what I have to do. 2014 I am going to be sexy! Even now I blush at that but I need to stop. I want to own my sexuality and not be so confused by it. I want to form meaningful relationships with people. I have two examples of the type of woman I want to be. (Keep in my I still haven't considered myself a woman yet- girl yes. But it always sounded strange when a guy refers to me as a woman.) Anyway, the first one I met when I ran off to Indiana right after college. She was so giving and such a hippy. She ran off to Southern California. We've met up in NYC last. She has blossomed into such an awesome woman. She owns her curves and says her opinions and is sculpting the life she wants. It has been amazing to watch. The other friend I have is an actress on Broadway. We have a similar funkiness to us. Watching her on stage is always amazing. She is so professional in everything she does. She oozes sex.

And sex doesn't mean slutty. It's about awareness. Confidence.

I have little to worry about now. I have a savings. Debt free. It's kinda crazy. Complete freedom. No excuses. I want to take care of myself. I want to use my body and cherish it.

I have always known who I am. Time to chip away at it.

Present.

I will write this in a journal.

I wanted to write before yesterday too but yesterday gives me reason enough.

My roommates have been out of town leaving me alone in a huge house, which becomes quite scary at night because the living room is mostly windows and we live off the beaten path a little. Last night I slept well though. My grandmother stopped by on her way from Springfield to St. Louis.

It's kind of odd how life has put us in similar positions. Suddenly she found herself splitting time inbetween two places not being able to call either one home. I haven't had a home in awhile. I kind of squeeze in where I can at my parents house. Even when I was there in high school I was living in an unfinished room that wasn't too comforting. I find the feelings I get from seeing old friends much more comforting than any four walls I've been in lately.

I was having a hard time at work. It's kind of silly why. It was because it has been too easy this year. That's right. I sat in the office with two of my bosses getting emotional because I haven't felt utterly crushed like last year. They gave me another assistant this year. They finally gave me my business cards too. Giving my grandmother the first business card I've had in my life was pretty awesome. She was so excited. Because she has helped me get to here.

I was really emotional at my high school graduation. My dad showed up and no one told me he was going to. I literally sobbed in the car for quite awhile. I remember after I saw him I saw a funeral procession and thought it was fitting for the mood I was in. I think I was upset because he hadn't helped me get to there. 13 years of public school that he wasn't around for. Why did he show up at the end? It's the same way I felt about Tim being at my college graduation, to a lesser agree but I've never been wholly supported by the men in my life until later. I could tell I was jealous a little of how comfortable my sister Jessica is around Jeff. How he's at all her games. Clearly he's not incapable of love, it just didn't work out for me. I still get jealous of the commercial for some jewelry company when the guy proposes to the women or something and then also gives jewelry to her daughter too. I compare it to the time Tim proposed to my mother by making her breakfast and said I could have the leftovers, if there was any. They even got married in Vegas. Without me.

That's probably why single dads don't scare me. I appreciate their devotion to their kids and putting their kids before being someone because I have been that kid before.

Anyway, that's not really the point of all this. For Christmas my grandmother paid off my student loan. The one I thought I would pay off for the next decade. It is actually in my mother's name but I've been paying on all my loans no matter who's name was on it. My mom said she had planned on helping me but she stopped working when my siblings were born and Tim. Well, I don't get it. He doesn't feel responsible for me I guess. I don't need him to feel that way. When I was out of college he drove quite the wedge between me and home. He said I had to pay rent of $200 for any stay over 10 days at the house. Keep in mind, I've never been a slacker. Keep in mind he crashed at my mom's apartment for years never paying anything. He told me that the men involved in scouting compared it to indians or something all contributing to the tribe. I slept in my car to avoid being home more than 10 days. It was dropped eventually. Maybe because I never stayed longer, I'm not sure.

But I'm not here to dwell on the past. My grandmother just gave me the green light. I always said I wouldn't move to California without having paid off my loans because it was just so expensive. Now I'm just afraid. She told me not to be. But I have literally no excuse for anything now. With all the weirdness of my growing up I was still given everything I could of asked for because of my mom and my grandma.

I think the best way I can show how grateful I am to them is living a life unafraid. Unapologetic for who I am because I am amazing. There's part of me that doesn't want to say that, we're taught we should be humble and there is a part of life that requires that. But I'm tired of apologizing for who I am. Yes, I am still figuring things out. There are so many experiences I avoided for so long because I was afraid. But I am figuring it out. I deserve to live an amazing life that was started by the people who love me the most.

Tic

I don't know what to do.

I will start writing more things down in a journal. Honestly, in hopes that my future grandchildren or whatever are amused. Or maybe just for my later self to be amused.

I feel like I knew who I was so clearly when I began forming these ideas. It is okay that I don't now.But every time I regain a piece of me it's something that was there all along.

Work. Is not working out. Every email is personal and I hate that. I kind of have two bosses? They occasionally want to tell me what to do? It's frustrating. I know I am playing it safe now. I can feel it.

I run into people I haven't seen in awhile and they all tell me they enjoy hearing about my adventures. They don't know about this part of it I suppose. The part where I own no furniture. How my bedroom is lime green because I dont want to put in the effort of changing them if I'm just going to move. Last year was the year thinking I had a home outside of where I grew up only to realize this year that the safest place for home to be is in me otherwise I risk it changing or going away.

My old dorm from college is completely demolished. An old theater too. My high school band room door is non existent now. And tradition is completely gone because two of my grandmothers died this year and just going to their house was family tradition. They were the reason my family could put on our happy faces and faked it until we made it. One of my grandmas finally started giving me gift appropriate presents a few years ago too.

I spend so much of my time by myself.

On the boy front. You know, I just can't. A guy from tour started telling me he wants to impregnate me. I always thought he was joking about me coming to his room when he would shout it at me after we checked into hotels. Curtis was the first guy that ever felt like a viable option for me. Then again, maybe that was the safe option. It's way easier to love someone when they don't love you. Ali's dropped off the planet the past two weeks. I don't feel needy about our lack of contact. More concerned. I should be amused I heard from him more when he was traipsing around Africa than when he got back to Chicago. I seem to be that safety net for most of the men I run into. Some place holder until the real thing happens.

I know we tell people how to treat us. I just don't know what I'm saying. I illicit the same response from men. More times than not they think I would be a great one night stand and an awesome mother. Clearly I am not telling people the right things when it comes to how they treat me. I don't know how to treat me anymore.

I just have so much time to myself.

Always there

This blog hasn't been serving myself. I use to think it was an outlet but I think I need to move into a more positive place.

I found this on my computer circa 2005:

WHAT I WANT OUTTA LIFE

-many friends 

-live by a beach

-be around bands

-think of something new

-interact with young people

-have a leadership position

-at least a year to travel

Not so bad. It's the beach part I haven't done except for a few months. There's still time. I have a terrible memory. I forget that I've always known who I am. I don't know why I told myself this year that I didn't. I don't know why I would tell an ex friend that I wasn't successful. I am. I totally am. I am living the life people who love to have. I am living the life I wanted to have. 

And as far as boys. I told a single dad, artist type that I couldn't guarantee I would sleep with him so he decided he wouldn't come see me. I felt bad about it but now I realize it's what I wanted. I'm not some vagina box. (Im sad thats a reference to a sundance movie that is never going to be made) Along with the above list I found an IM conversation with a boy trying to get me to ask him to prom. I dont remember it at all. Hes now married to one of my best friends from HS. Go figure. I'm not single because no one wants me. Im single because I know what I want. I know what Im looking for and that's okay.

Im done apologizing. 

Im done thinking it's normal to just have sex with someone. Gross. Where is the fun in that. 

I want intimacy and lace and 3am conversations and slow dancing. God I want to slow dance.

It's weird. I had been dreaming about slow dancing. I dont know who with. When I was going through my old letters I had written about the same thing over a decade ago. I didn't remember it happening before but it's always been there.

I know who I am.

Misplaced Modesty

Though humbleness is oftentimes a virtue, we take it a step too far when we begin downplaying our strengths and accomplishments so as not to make others feel uncomfortable. The people that legitimately care about us will always appreciate those elements of our character that make us who we are and will never ask us to deny them. We, in turn, should allow ourselves to feel the pride that floods our hearts and minds as we mull over the goodness we have brought into being in the various spheres of our existence. This, coupled with the acknowledgment others give us when they hear of our exploits, can provide us with the encouragement and enthusiasm we need to pursue new lines of goal realization. You will feel less shy as you socialize today when you accept that the people around you truly are interested in your gifts

Bettie.

It has to be a little ironic right? That even though people have been telling me to write for years I chose that day to go to a restaurant and just write what came to my head. And that even though I told myself just to write anything nothing came. Except the thoughts of some past love I wished to forget. So instead I goggle writing exercises and land on a website with a button that says "personal prompts"

I click on it and the box is populated with the word "grandparents" Of course self involved me immediately brings it back to how I don't know if I know how to love because none of my family members seem to be having much success except for that of great grandpa and grandma Bettie when I get a phone call from my grandmother. She asked where I am because it sounds loud, I say restaurant.

And while it seemed mostly empty at the time maybe she is right, maybe it is loud because I dont hear much of what she is saying except that Grandma Bettie has died.

I immediately start packing up as the tears start to build. She is talking about what I want to do. Do I want to drive with her or drive with my mother because my mother probably wont want to drive alone. And I just keep saying whatevers best.

A few hours later I am sitting here writing this. I've poured myself some whiskey. Which makes me feel a little better. Not just because of the obvious but because it was given to me at a state penitentiary. Which reminds me of my great grandpa who was a prison guard. Him and Grandma Bettie raised my grandmother and her siblings on Alcatraz for a bit. There's a certain toughness in my family. A stubbornness. Sometimes I think it's a downfall but today it doesnt feel so bad. She was 98 when she died.

She left

I played You are My Sunshine over and over on my harmonica until I started getting all the notes wrong.

27 is proving to be a tougher time than originally anticipated.

I was cleaning my room yesterday and decided not to discard her birthday card to me.

When I found out I tried to think of what the last postcard was that I sent to her and why does it seem to be that when I think of sending another card  to a person and then dont because I dont have their address memorized, they disappear.

He was still the only one I really wanted to tell.

People here are busy with boyfriends and what not.

I just didnt want him to say anything hurtful. Not like this.

I want to go to the gym but Im afraid Ill start crying in the middle of sweating or something.

Why am I always lost lately.