Polley

I've only been sleeping a few hours a night lately. Think it's the adrenaline, being sick and the mouse or something that has started living in the wall. The fest is this week. My fest friends start getting in tomorrow. So that will be nice. My small fest isn't that small anymore. I wanna keep it all mine and share it all at the same time.

Some of my future gets decided tomorrow. Though I suppose your future is always decided by what will happen later.How do people work at the same place for 20 years?

A girl who I would describe as a tornado told me she remembered me from a year ago because my style was fly. I put little thought into what I am actually wearing really. A mix of goodwill and clearance racks. Reminds me of the time a guy in Telluride said my outfits were memorable. I don't think I'm ever looking for people to remember me.

Isn't it weird they call it settling down?

More than three chords

Yesterday blew my mind. Not the being on stage. Not talking in front of everyone, hundreds of hundredsm in my red cowboy boots.

But the amount of love. Everyone was there for this thing we were trying to do. And they were there for me too. And they were there to help me.

After she left us and I came home, a fortune cookie told me that I should accept support with grace.

There's that word again, grace.

I hate the trust fall thing. You know when everyone gets in a circle and pushes you around. No thank you.

In a way, it's easy what I do. Picking up and leaving all the time. Can't get attach or depend on things particularly. Fall into a routine. But I'm not alone. I couldn't do what I do without the people I know are always there. Even if they aren't with me. Not having her anymore makes me get angry at myself when I think not so great thoughts about myself. She believed in me. Why wouldn't I believe her. What she thought I was capable of. A lot of people think I'm capable of a lot.

He told me thank you and I thought he was joking. I'm learning to say you're welcome.

I know I'm the only person who could possibly get in the way of my hopes and dreams. Even if I'm not sure what they are quite yet.

I want to live by the ocean once in my life. I want to kiss a boy and mean it.

I want to learn more about my guitar.

I want a lot of things.

How it goes

Okay. I've been meaning to write for awhile.

The internet and social media hasn't seemed the same to me I guess. It's hard to figure out what is personal and what has weight and how we are really communicating with each other when we put words to "pages" like this.

So where to start?

Before I went to Sundance my grandmother made me sign up for life insurance. It's one of those becoming an adult things I guess. I find it an uncomfortable thing to do. Then I went to Sundance. I lived so much there. It was such a high. It truly is like Brigadoon. Most of my favorite people were in one spot and I had such little inhibition. I talked to so many awesome people. Even kissed a few boys without regret, which isn't something I'm use to. I got to see so many of my friends and the art they created. It was wonderful. I love Sundance days. You get up go to work and then get swept up in the wave of possibilities. You get to geek out talking to Josh Radnor about raw chicken. I feel two degrees or less away from everyone. Not in the Kevin Bacon way- in the we're all human way. There's this inherent trust that comes from festival people. I think its the gypsy lifestyle. There's sharing of food and Shasta and bed sharing and free rides to the airport. Everyone is so giving. I don't think I could have lived anymore than I had in those two weeks.

So I should have seen this coming.At least that's what I would say. My friend Kate yells at me for saying stuff like that. If I had truly seen it coming then I would have known. There's no way I could have known. It's  too personal. I watched myself as I reacted to this news. Who I felt comfortable telling. It wasn't many. It's all part of the circle of life right? It has to happen. When Curtis told me he was done with me in the back of my head I thought this would be the time I could turn to him and he would realize I'm still human.I thought maybe in a few years it might happen. In a weird turn of events he seemed to realize  before it even happened. It's just a coincidence that I am going through the same thing he did almost a year ago. I remember how guilty I felt for not being there for him. Crazy, I know. I can appreciate things as coincidence now I suppose. Last year when I was with my two grandmas celebrating ones birthday and he lost his. It didn't mean anything. Maybe February just doesn't like grandmas?

I was naive when it comes to losing people because it hadn't happened to me really. 26 years old I suppose I was lucky to get this far. I didn't know two years ago people could change their mind about someone in a minute or be so careless. Or that people can just breath their last breath without struggle and just disappear one day. I don't regret anything. I think everything I've been a part of has shaped who I am today and who I am becoming. The hardest part about losing her was the faith she had in me. Pure faith that I could do anything. People who hadn't seen me in awhile gasped when they saw me. I was younger when they saw me last. They looked the same to me, I remembered them well. But I suppose I am changing. She always commented on who I was becoming so it was comforting to hear it from them as well. Not in an affirmation kind of way, but because they sounded like her.

It's funny that True/False's theme this year is about the "collective architecture of the impossible." Maybe that's what being 20 something is about. What are you building? In some way she felt like home. Holidays were meant to conclude at her house. It was like the little part that lasted from my childhood after everyone else went their separate ways when they started families. My first and only blind date was with this bio professor who studies birds. I asked him if birds got frustrated with building their homes constantly and he told me he hadn't thought of it like that. In a way, I think I'm like a bird. I don't own furniture. I'm starting to realize the ideas I have about home are best carried within me and not where I am. That's part of the conversations I remember about Curtis too. He was building his home. He asked me a few times if I liked his house. Talked about family. Maybe that's why I was intrigued.

I had never thought of growing up much. I still don't have an ultimate destination. Frank likes to tell me I'm in a good place. He's right.

Love & Ego

Unstoppable

I've been in the same spot in my house for the last 12hrs.

This has resulted in a truly beautiful grid of sorts. If it weren't for the privacy issue of my volunteers I would post a picture. It reminds me why I don't do theater 24/7. It brings out this need for perfection that can be exhausting. Awesome emails from volunteers make it all worth it though. I feel like its the huge wave collecting everything in its path. The fest is going to happen whether we're ready or not. You know, sans not getting projectors and films or something crazy like that.

I'm taking a break from my job coordinating volunteers to work at Sundance and since they told me to be there two days earlier than  I need to be I will be volunteering for Slamdance. It's all such a sickness. Good, but still sick. = )

One of my volunteers from last year who is currently working with us this year gave me her old phone. My last one died a terrible slow death thanks to water torture and the verve pipe. It's a great constant reminder of someone being completely selfless.

My new phone has a social network I hadn't been on in awhile that me and the boy I'm not suppose to care about are still connected on. I found out he had been in a car accident. It was hard. Because I felt a lot. I felt my whole heart thud worrying about him. To care someone enough not to let them know you care is completely confusing. I would never want to be with him again, someone so careless with me. But I do still care. I think that's okay. It's human to care. I liked knowing my heart was still in the right place.

My brother is 13 and accidentally told me he loves me too when I told him I loved him on the phone today. That felt like a win.

So here we are.

10 Ticket Thrill Ride

Sooo my phone won't charge. It is also cracked beyond all get out thanks to the Verve Pipe boys. And yet I still have it. It reminds me of clinging on to a relationship that's not good for you. So many little things stored on this phone. Yet, it's a good reminder that none of it matters. In the end my friends are still here for me and the little snapshots of a moment on my phone don't hold a candle to them. Or something.

Are we ready for this new year?

I want to tell Vegas boy his not so secret twitter isn't a secret and I don't think God would really appreciate his jokes about hookers. But I imagine it will be a good source of inspiration if I ever write this movie.

Sundance is is almost a week for me. I feel like I'm too old for this. I can't imagine how I am going to make it through the movies, parties, socializing and the general climb up to my theater at 7am. It will completely be worth it though.

I spent NYE bar hopping and discussing my current job with people, most of whom said it was great I was in town (Ive been here since November...) There was also a mention of making music videos which I think is on my ultimate to do list.

Also, yesterday while spending 12hrs scheduling volunteers I watched (listened) to Josie and the Pussycats and the commentary. I didn't realize it was the same team that did Cant Hardly Wait and my mind was blown. I love both movies so much. I think my popculturalism keeps this house rounded.

Funny, I just got use to calling this place home and my roomie is moving out and taking the bed I sleep in with her.

Bird Boy

I went on a date the other night. I'm not sure it really counts as a date. In my head since middle school a date was me wearing a dress and us eating ice cream and smiling and that's pretty much it. So this was a "get to know you" in a public place. I wanted to throw up the entire day leading up to it. So much nervous energy. I got myself into the car saying if I can talk to Michael Shannon after seeing him in a Broadway show I could talk to some professor.

So there I was in my red cowboy boots, red shorts, red lipstick and I looked up and saw him and realized I shouldn't be the nervous one. And I wasn't.

We managed to talk for five hours straight until the bar kicked us out. The time went by fast for sure. I don't think I was attracted to him. Not that he wasn't unattractive. I listened to him talk, he asked me questions about my life. It felt so good to be in pre internet world. THIS is how we should be getting to know someone.

He walked me to my car. He leaned on my car. We're keeping in touch.

The night before I had been hanging out with the Writer at my house. I played records, we drank whiskey and I kicked his butt at blackjack. I only started losing when he told me what to do. I really appreciate our comfort level. And even though I tell him I want to kiss him it's okay that we don't. I think there's a freedom in being the one that says "yes yes yes" and the guy saying "no" So many times it's the other way around. I like how he remembers facts about me. I've never met a boy more aware of when my birthday is.

It's funny my interaction with boys seems to help me bounce around ideas and figure out who I want to be. My interaction with girls affirms who I am now.

I am so grateful for Kate telling me Im not allowed to say "I should have known!" when it came to Vegas Boy. She's right, if I really knew the outcome I wouldn't have put myself in that position with him, but I didn't know. Mostly it's easier to pretend he doesn't exists. Except thanks to our social networks he occasionally does. And that's okay. As mad as people want me to be and as mad as I can get about the situation I find it hard to be mad at someone who doesn't know who they are- didn't know who they are.

I was staring at the back of my step-dads head the other day in the car and I realized I owe a lot of my caring about kids to him. Because I want to do everything he failed to do for me. Maybe that's why single dads don't turn me off. Vegas was the first time I could imagine a home, but someday Ill be able to imagine something else.

It's funny. The theme for T/F this year is all about how to build a home. It's something I think I took for granted for a kid. This place that I belonged to. Now I don't belong anywhere. It got me thinking about birds and how they're always having to re make a home. They seem to be just fine.