Ive been writing in a real journal so yay future grandchildren will know things about me. Or something.
I'm so tired.
Weekends mean alone time to figure out what the hell I'm doing. Not sure how I feel about that.
I was thinking the other day, if I ever start dating someone they're probably going to end up being 40. I've already surpassed the teenage love and newly adult love. I have no practice in it, only an idea I've had for awhile on what things should be like.
Curtis has cancer. A friend had to remind me he was still a jerk to me. I appreciated her telling me that.
I don't know when my thinking has been this bad before. Feeling like I never quite fit at work and in life over all I suppose. I wish my mother would call me more. She's busy.
I found out Frank has two kids he never told me about. Which is kind of what I get I suppose. I was using him as the counterpart to Curtis. Two guys I met at the same time. Curtis smooshes my heart but at least I have Frank- a guy I'm more honest with than anyone. Only to find out four years later he wasn't lying to me but I don't think never talking about your kids in four years is telling the truth.
A married Morman man was trying to get me to go out with him until he realized we have a mutual friend in common.
I need to find that thing I can do for myself.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Friday, March 28, 2014
28
So I am 28.
I've lacked enthusiasm about it. Not the actual age but just the current state of things.
Which is completely lame. I just got done running operations for one of the coolest festivals in the US and everyone said I did a great job but I am hard to read. They want me to be more enthusiastic and communicate. But I did a great job. Something about it never felt right.
I am currently rehearsing and have performances in two of the biggest theaters in my city. This is also neat but something is off.
The festival was fun at moments. I met a boy, like I do. We had fun. Awkward, funny, where-did-you-learn-that kinda fun. And we still talk! So that's always a plus.
Then there's the guy I took time to get to know who fell off the face of the earth once we got close. He gets international texting to talk to me while he's in Africa every day and then after we see each other in Utah falls off the face of the planet in one of those "who am i" quests that the boys who like me tend to go on once I feel comfortable with them. Ah well, least he's not on a mission right?
Then there's the NYC boy. Who's no boy at all. He's a man. By all means. We don't text but he sends me messages on my bday. He makes me feel like a woman. Like how I should feel. At 28 I should be comfortable saying I'm a woman but I still feel odd about it. And this sex thing is still weird. Finding that balance between what you want and what you should do.
I dunno. Career wise I'm not sure what the goal is. I'm not sure there is one. Just new adventures.
My grandmother moved 3 hours away. I know I travel a lot but I've never felt far from her. When I was little I cried when she moved 20 minutes away and now I feel that same kid in me completely upset by her moving. In a lot of ways we're in the same spot. Not grounded in any home. Trying to figure out what we want.
I want to get healthy, have a clear mind. Confidence. Without anyone else's energy being put in me.
We'll see.
I've lacked enthusiasm about it. Not the actual age but just the current state of things.
Which is completely lame. I just got done running operations for one of the coolest festivals in the US and everyone said I did a great job but I am hard to read. They want me to be more enthusiastic and communicate. But I did a great job. Something about it never felt right.
I am currently rehearsing and have performances in two of the biggest theaters in my city. This is also neat but something is off.
The festival was fun at moments. I met a boy, like I do. We had fun. Awkward, funny, where-did-you-learn-that kinda fun. And we still talk! So that's always a plus.
Then there's the guy I took time to get to know who fell off the face of the earth once we got close. He gets international texting to talk to me while he's in Africa every day and then after we see each other in Utah falls off the face of the planet in one of those "who am i" quests that the boys who like me tend to go on once I feel comfortable with them. Ah well, least he's not on a mission right?
Then there's the NYC boy. Who's no boy at all. He's a man. By all means. We don't text but he sends me messages on my bday. He makes me feel like a woman. Like how I should feel. At 28 I should be comfortable saying I'm a woman but I still feel odd about it. And this sex thing is still weird. Finding that balance between what you want and what you should do.
I dunno. Career wise I'm not sure what the goal is. I'm not sure there is one. Just new adventures.
My grandmother moved 3 hours away. I know I travel a lot but I've never felt far from her. When I was little I cried when she moved 20 minutes away and now I feel that same kid in me completely upset by her moving. In a lot of ways we're in the same spot. Not grounded in any home. Trying to figure out what we want.
I want to get healthy, have a clear mind. Confidence. Without anyone else's energy being put in me.
We'll see.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
boys II men
I wonder what old me would think of current me. I mean, old me is still here right? In there somewhere.
Ali told me he would call me after his class which ended 7pm my time. Two weeks ago. Guess his window of "after" is slightly broader than mine. Old me would have mentioned it to him. New me hears him in my head saying I'm trying to make him feel guilty. So I'll leave it be. Why ask someone to give you attention?
This open window led to some interesting life choices the past weekend. Lets just say we tried to behave. Put our clothes back on at least four times. Messing around in public..kinda public..not your bedroom is amusing. And awkward. But awesome when you have someone who acknowledges the weirdness of it. And who juggles and plays harmonica. Talk about multitasker. He doesn't do both at the same time, just knows how to. And he says all these beautiful things and focuses on you and doesn't sound like he's insincere ever. His family was actually the best wingman ever. They're super close. He loves his nieces and nephews. Seeing a family that together is really attractive.
After all that though, it's still just sex. As long as I travel that's all anything will be. I crave conversations. I want to get to know someone. God hand holding is sexy.
I have a month in CA planned. We'll see how that goes.
Ali told me he would call me after his class which ended 7pm my time. Two weeks ago. Guess his window of "after" is slightly broader than mine. Old me would have mentioned it to him. New me hears him in my head saying I'm trying to make him feel guilty. So I'll leave it be. Why ask someone to give you attention?
This open window led to some interesting life choices the past weekend. Lets just say we tried to behave. Put our clothes back on at least four times. Messing around in public..kinda public..not your bedroom is amusing. And awkward. But awesome when you have someone who acknowledges the weirdness of it. And who juggles and plays harmonica. Talk about multitasker. He doesn't do both at the same time, just knows how to. And he says all these beautiful things and focuses on you and doesn't sound like he's insincere ever. His family was actually the best wingman ever. They're super close. He loves his nieces and nephews. Seeing a family that together is really attractive.
After all that though, it's still just sex. As long as I travel that's all anything will be. I crave conversations. I want to get to know someone. God hand holding is sexy.
I have a month in CA planned. We'll see how that goes.
Friday, February 7, 2014
whiskey bath
I haven't been writing in my journal. I feel bad for my future generation. That they'll have to scavenger and hope there's part of me online or something.
I've been really frustrated lately. Not outright but clearly not happy. It just doesn't feel right. Sometimes I wonder if it ever feels right to me. I remember sitting outside on my high school stoop waiting to be picked up after a show while everyone else shared flowers and praise with each other inside. I caught myself in that moment once at Radio City too. I was staring at empty flag poles and all the sudden I realized I've been there before. I'm turning 28 soon. I know I'm still young but 28 is just old enough to give you enough time and distance between things that you wonder if they happened at all.
Last night I went to see a friend. He was bartending. There was live jazz music, albeit kinda dorky but he was giving me ginger beer and whiskey. He's one of those people I just like being around. I feel calmer. I feel like I don't have to force anything. This is also due to the fact we established we are not kissing. The older I get the more it seems relationships are these contracts you form with someone else. What are you comfortable with? What are you looking for? Where have you been? It's only a conversation I've had in lets say the past year. I don't think I really got it until Luigi. Something about him made me want to be more mature. With the opposite being naive, not immature.
I still have complete freedom. And it's still just as scary. I'm really looking for that next job I can sink myself into. I get worried about defining myself by the work I do. I'd like to be an awesome person outside of the cool things I do but I like to work. I like being good at what I do. I want to improve my craft though. Get more creative. Get more proactive in what is being put out into the world.
I feel like I'm the only one around for my grandma now. I mean, she lives close to her sister but I don't think that's fulfilling for her. It's hard sometimes because if I could just pin point the place that would make me happy and keep me employed she could come too but that's a commitment I can't make. In a way we're in the same spot of homelessness.Not in the normal way of the word but in looking for a community.
I know I have True/False but it just doesn't feel right. I feel like a parent. You give and you give and no one sees the wheels you spin or the frustration you have.Which is funny, the reason I don't feel like I fit in in Columbia is because I'm not remotely a parent. I live with two couples in the beginning stages of nesting. Whispering about engagement rings, house..and then there's me.In 28 years I will have failed to ever remotely be a part of a whole.I think mostly I'm okay with that. I have no big regrets.I'm still figuring out who I am.
Sundance was good. My boss/friend and I cleared up a lot of miscommunication. The first director she introduced me to she said I was a theater manager in my own right. Actually, a lot of people said I was a manager during the festival (I am not a manager at the festival) Kevin Smith had a great panel. Basically his sister told him he was a filmmaker who just hadn't made a film. I thought that was sweet. I freaked out on Ali a bit. I know film fest aren't a place for intimacy. But the time he did put towards me was nice. I totally did the drunk girl I'm gonna walk myself home I can take care of myself bit but I wasn't drunk and I got maybe two blocks away before he told me to get in the car. I think intimacy with someone is easier to take when you practice it with more people. I don't mean sex. More so the just being yourself part. The sharing who you are without the brick wall I tend to put up. At least with men.
I've been really frustrated lately. Not outright but clearly not happy. It just doesn't feel right. Sometimes I wonder if it ever feels right to me. I remember sitting outside on my high school stoop waiting to be picked up after a show while everyone else shared flowers and praise with each other inside. I caught myself in that moment once at Radio City too. I was staring at empty flag poles and all the sudden I realized I've been there before. I'm turning 28 soon. I know I'm still young but 28 is just old enough to give you enough time and distance between things that you wonder if they happened at all.
Last night I went to see a friend. He was bartending. There was live jazz music, albeit kinda dorky but he was giving me ginger beer and whiskey. He's one of those people I just like being around. I feel calmer. I feel like I don't have to force anything. This is also due to the fact we established we are not kissing. The older I get the more it seems relationships are these contracts you form with someone else. What are you comfortable with? What are you looking for? Where have you been? It's only a conversation I've had in lets say the past year. I don't think I really got it until Luigi. Something about him made me want to be more mature. With the opposite being naive, not immature.
I still have complete freedom. And it's still just as scary. I'm really looking for that next job I can sink myself into. I get worried about defining myself by the work I do. I'd like to be an awesome person outside of the cool things I do but I like to work. I like being good at what I do. I want to improve my craft though. Get more creative. Get more proactive in what is being put out into the world.
I feel like I'm the only one around for my grandma now. I mean, she lives close to her sister but I don't think that's fulfilling for her. It's hard sometimes because if I could just pin point the place that would make me happy and keep me employed she could come too but that's a commitment I can't make. In a way we're in the same spot of homelessness.Not in the normal way of the word but in looking for a community.
I know I have True/False but it just doesn't feel right. I feel like a parent. You give and you give and no one sees the wheels you spin or the frustration you have.Which is funny, the reason I don't feel like I fit in in Columbia is because I'm not remotely a parent. I live with two couples in the beginning stages of nesting. Whispering about engagement rings, house..and then there's me.In 28 years I will have failed to ever remotely be a part of a whole.I think mostly I'm okay with that. I have no big regrets.I'm still figuring out who I am.
Sundance was good. My boss/friend and I cleared up a lot of miscommunication. The first director she introduced me to she said I was a theater manager in my own right. Actually, a lot of people said I was a manager during the festival (I am not a manager at the festival) Kevin Smith had a great panel. Basically his sister told him he was a filmmaker who just hadn't made a film. I thought that was sweet. I freaked out on Ali a bit. I know film fest aren't a place for intimacy. But the time he did put towards me was nice. I totally did the drunk girl I'm gonna walk myself home I can take care of myself bit but I wasn't drunk and I got maybe two blocks away before he told me to get in the car. I think intimacy with someone is easier to take when you practice it with more people. I don't mean sex. More so the just being yourself part. The sharing who you are without the brick wall I tend to put up. At least with men.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Electrick
At this exact moment life is perfect. My roommate and her boyfriend are playing some dreamy song in the basement under my feet. Three of my friends just got out of the sauna and are going to make some funky asian soup for dinner. I am warm but there is tons of snow outside. I turned on Electrick Children, I hadn't before because of who it reminds me of. But I know a girl who worked on it.
Limitless freedom. Who knows where this all takes me.
Mad Love.
Limitless freedom. Who knows where this all takes me.
Mad Love.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Lace 2014
My jobs are like summer camp. I haven't seen my coworkers from NYC since September and we can't stop emailing each other. It's completely like family. Along with my festival friends who are so on the same page as me. It's crazy that we're scattered all through the country but be so similar. Fest life I guess.
In an odd turn of events. Back in the day I found pen pals in chatrooms. Which is probably more than a downfall than I originally anticipated. Anyway, I had this friend who told me a story with this odd phrase. I googled the phrase and found her. I found a blog where she said she had being grateful I was her friend and she made a comment that I always seemed to think I didn't make sense. I was like ahhh! a decade of me belittling myself. Stop that! Also, I found out she's friends with this guy I work with at the fest. Small, small world. Anyway.
Tomorrow is new years eve. I wasn't going to resolve to do anything but I know exactly what I have to do. 2014 I am going to be sexy! Even now I blush at that but I need to stop. I want to own my sexuality and not be so confused by it. I want to form meaningful relationships with people. I have two examples of the type of woman I want to be. (Keep in my I still haven't considered myself a woman yet- girl yes. But it always sounded strange when a guy refers to me as a woman.) Anyway, the first one I met when I ran off to Indiana right after college. She was so giving and such a hippy. She ran off to Southern California. We've met up in NYC last. She has blossomed into such an awesome woman. She owns her curves and says her opinions and is sculpting the life she wants. It has been amazing to watch. The other friend I have is an actress on Broadway. We have a similar funkiness to us. Watching her on stage is always amazing. She is so professional in everything she does. She oozes sex.
And sex doesn't mean slutty. It's about awareness. Confidence.
I have little to worry about now. I have a savings. Debt free. It's kinda crazy. Complete freedom. No excuses. I want to take care of myself. I want to use my body and cherish it.
I have always known who I am. Time to chip away at it.
In an odd turn of events. Back in the day I found pen pals in chatrooms. Which is probably more than a downfall than I originally anticipated. Anyway, I had this friend who told me a story with this odd phrase. I googled the phrase and found her. I found a blog where she said she had being grateful I was her friend and she made a comment that I always seemed to think I didn't make sense. I was like ahhh! a decade of me belittling myself. Stop that! Also, I found out she's friends with this guy I work with at the fest. Small, small world. Anyway.
Tomorrow is new years eve. I wasn't going to resolve to do anything but I know exactly what I have to do. 2014 I am going to be sexy! Even now I blush at that but I need to stop. I want to own my sexuality and not be so confused by it. I want to form meaningful relationships with people. I have two examples of the type of woman I want to be. (Keep in my I still haven't considered myself a woman yet- girl yes. But it always sounded strange when a guy refers to me as a woman.) Anyway, the first one I met when I ran off to Indiana right after college. She was so giving and such a hippy. She ran off to Southern California. We've met up in NYC last. She has blossomed into such an awesome woman. She owns her curves and says her opinions and is sculpting the life she wants. It has been amazing to watch. The other friend I have is an actress on Broadway. We have a similar funkiness to us. Watching her on stage is always amazing. She is so professional in everything she does. She oozes sex.
And sex doesn't mean slutty. It's about awareness. Confidence.
I have little to worry about now. I have a savings. Debt free. It's kinda crazy. Complete freedom. No excuses. I want to take care of myself. I want to use my body and cherish it.
I have always known who I am. Time to chip away at it.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Present.
I will write this in a journal.
I wanted to write before yesterday too but yesterday gives me reason enough.
My roommates have been out of town leaving me alone in a huge house, which becomes quite scary at night because the living room is mostly windows and we live off the beaten path a little. Last night I slept well though. My grandmother stopped by on her way from Springfield to St. Louis.
It's kind of odd how life has put us in similar positions. Suddenly she found herself splitting time inbetween two places not being able to call either one home. I haven't had a home in awhile. I kind of squeeze in where I can at my parents house. Even when I was there in high school I was living in an unfinished room that wasn't too comforting. I find the feelings I get from seeing old friends much more comforting than any four walls I've been in lately.
I was having a hard time at work. It's kind of silly why. It was because it has been too easy this year. That's right. I sat in the office with two of my bosses getting emotional because I haven't felt utterly crushed like last year. They gave me another assistant this year. They finally gave me my business cards too. Giving my grandmother the first business card I've had in my life was pretty awesome. She was so excited. Because she has helped me get to here.
I was really emotional at my high school graduation. My dad showed up and no one told me he was going to. I literally sobbed in the car for quite awhile. I remember after I saw him I saw a funeral procession and thought it was fitting for the mood I was in. I think I was upset because he hadn't helped me get to there. 13 years of public school that he wasn't around for. Why did he show up at the end? It's the same way I felt about Tim being at my college graduation, to a lesser agree but I've never been wholly supported by the men in my life until later. I could tell I was jealous a little of how comfortable my sister Jessica is around Jeff. How he's at all her games. Clearly he's not incapable of love, it just didn't work out for me. I still get jealous of the commercial for some jewelry company when the guy proposes to the women or something and then also gives jewelry to her daughter too. I compare it to the time Tim proposed to my mother by making her breakfast and said I could have the leftovers, if there was any. They even got married in Vegas. Without me.
That's probably why single dads don't scare me. I appreciate their devotion to their kids and putting their kids before being someone because I have been that kid before.
Anyway, that's not really the point of all this. For Christmas my grandmother paid off my student loan. The one I thought I would pay off for the next decade. It is actually in my mother's name but I've been paying on all my loans no matter who's name was on it. My mom said she had planned on helping me but she stopped working when my siblings were born and Tim. Well, I don't get it. He doesn't feel responsible for me I guess. I don't need him to feel that way. When I was out of college he drove quite the wedge between me and home. He said I had to pay rent of $200 for any stay over 10 days at the house. Keep in mind, I've never been a slacker. Keep in mind he crashed at my mom's apartment for years never paying anything. He told me that the men involved in scouting compared it to indians or something all contributing to the tribe. I slept in my car to avoid being home more than 10 days. It was dropped eventually. Maybe because I never stayed longer, I'm not sure.
But I'm not here to dwell on the past. My grandmother just gave me the green light. I always said I wouldn't move to California without having paid off my loans because it was just so expensive. Now I'm just afraid. She told me not to be. But I have literally no excuse for anything now. With all the weirdness of my growing up I was still given everything I could of asked for because of my mom and my grandma.
I think the best way I can show how grateful I am to them is living a life unafraid. Unapologetic for who I am because I am amazing. There's part of me that doesn't want to say that, we're taught we should be humble and there is a part of life that requires that. But I'm tired of apologizing for who I am. Yes, I am still figuring things out. There are so many experiences I avoided for so long because I was afraid. But I am figuring it out. I deserve to live an amazing life that was started by the people who love me the most.
I wanted to write before yesterday too but yesterday gives me reason enough.
My roommates have been out of town leaving me alone in a huge house, which becomes quite scary at night because the living room is mostly windows and we live off the beaten path a little. Last night I slept well though. My grandmother stopped by on her way from Springfield to St. Louis.
It's kind of odd how life has put us in similar positions. Suddenly she found herself splitting time inbetween two places not being able to call either one home. I haven't had a home in awhile. I kind of squeeze in where I can at my parents house. Even when I was there in high school I was living in an unfinished room that wasn't too comforting. I find the feelings I get from seeing old friends much more comforting than any four walls I've been in lately.
I was having a hard time at work. It's kind of silly why. It was because it has been too easy this year. That's right. I sat in the office with two of my bosses getting emotional because I haven't felt utterly crushed like last year. They gave me another assistant this year. They finally gave me my business cards too. Giving my grandmother the first business card I've had in my life was pretty awesome. She was so excited. Because she has helped me get to here.
I was really emotional at my high school graduation. My dad showed up and no one told me he was going to. I literally sobbed in the car for quite awhile. I remember after I saw him I saw a funeral procession and thought it was fitting for the mood I was in. I think I was upset because he hadn't helped me get to there. 13 years of public school that he wasn't around for. Why did he show up at the end? It's the same way I felt about Tim being at my college graduation, to a lesser agree but I've never been wholly supported by the men in my life until later. I could tell I was jealous a little of how comfortable my sister Jessica is around Jeff. How he's at all her games. Clearly he's not incapable of love, it just didn't work out for me. I still get jealous of the commercial for some jewelry company when the guy proposes to the women or something and then also gives jewelry to her daughter too. I compare it to the time Tim proposed to my mother by making her breakfast and said I could have the leftovers, if there was any. They even got married in Vegas. Without me.
That's probably why single dads don't scare me. I appreciate their devotion to their kids and putting their kids before being someone because I have been that kid before.
Anyway, that's not really the point of all this. For Christmas my grandmother paid off my student loan. The one I thought I would pay off for the next decade. It is actually in my mother's name but I've been paying on all my loans no matter who's name was on it. My mom said she had planned on helping me but she stopped working when my siblings were born and Tim. Well, I don't get it. He doesn't feel responsible for me I guess. I don't need him to feel that way. When I was out of college he drove quite the wedge between me and home. He said I had to pay rent of $200 for any stay over 10 days at the house. Keep in mind, I've never been a slacker. Keep in mind he crashed at my mom's apartment for years never paying anything. He told me that the men involved in scouting compared it to indians or something all contributing to the tribe. I slept in my car to avoid being home more than 10 days. It was dropped eventually. Maybe because I never stayed longer, I'm not sure.
But I'm not here to dwell on the past. My grandmother just gave me the green light. I always said I wouldn't move to California without having paid off my loans because it was just so expensive. Now I'm just afraid. She told me not to be. But I have literally no excuse for anything now. With all the weirdness of my growing up I was still given everything I could of asked for because of my mom and my grandma.
I think the best way I can show how grateful I am to them is living a life unafraid. Unapologetic for who I am because I am amazing. There's part of me that doesn't want to say that, we're taught we should be humble and there is a part of life that requires that. But I'm tired of apologizing for who I am. Yes, I am still figuring things out. There are so many experiences I avoided for so long because I was afraid. But I am figuring it out. I deserve to live an amazing life that was started by the people who love me the most.
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