I'm currently talking to the guy who was my 2nd kiss.
1. My first kiss recently became engaged so it has me tailspinning into a High Fidelity like existence. Making list and what not. They shouldn't be together. More for her sake than for his. He did so many things he shouldn't have.
2.The 2nd one is proving to be unregrettable. I didn't know him but we seem to have a lot in common. He's in a college town and not a twenty something college student. He's non judgemental and he has recently cut his hair making him more attractive.
3. The third one I don't think about.(yeah right) His business card is still on the floormat on the passenger side of my car. People step on it when they get it. Perhaps I have been too busy to throw it out. Perhaps I am mildly amused that this thing he created is getting stepped on. My new room has me wishing I didn't buy him glow in the dark stars.I always liked them up until now.
4. The guy I kissed because he wouldn't kiss me though he obviously wanted to and to prove 3 didn't mean anything. It was the worse kiss to date. He is currently dating one of my best friends.
5. Same occupation as 3 among other similarities. Also trying once again to prove 3 didn't matter. We still talk. The whole situation is how 3 should have gone down had I not gotten emotionally attached and was more practiced in not caring about people.
6. Tall. Grey sweater.
7. Kept telling my friends I liked him, but I don't. Had already kissed 6, so figured why not kiss 7.
8,9,10 TBD
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Review
How to I even describe the last few months of my life?
It was quite poetic walking around the day after the fest as all the snow melted. I enjoy the sound of running water. This snow had created all this drama and work and here it was, melting when it felt like it.
I missed the fest. I was so caught up in dealing with the problems and trying to help that I missed everything I loved about it I think. It was the first time it ever felt like work. Everyone kept comparing me to a mom. After reuniting multiple volunteers with their lost items I really do feel like a mom. It's hard. It's about sacrifice and I know it doesn't have to be. It's funny. It's 9 months until we start planning the next one. (Minus all the conversations already had)
Now what?
The best thing about working events like this is not having to think about anything else. Like how I'm turning 27 soon. Like I'm not sure what it means to like someone. It's not the guy you get physically close to, it's not the guy who has absolute faith in you or the guy who sees you as the person you could be and it's not even the guy who can't look at you because it makes him smile which makes his tooth hurt. It's none of those. So then who is it suppose to be?
I had to kept telling people I couldn't see the fest anymore. I couldn't figure out how the experience was for everyone else because I was so involved in the little things going wrong. I think that's like me in general. I can't figure out how I'm seen by others.
Suppose it doesn't matter.
I miss sleep.
It was quite poetic walking around the day after the fest as all the snow melted. I enjoy the sound of running water. This snow had created all this drama and work and here it was, melting when it felt like it.
I missed the fest. I was so caught up in dealing with the problems and trying to help that I missed everything I loved about it I think. It was the first time it ever felt like work. Everyone kept comparing me to a mom. After reuniting multiple volunteers with their lost items I really do feel like a mom. It's hard. It's about sacrifice and I know it doesn't have to be. It's funny. It's 9 months until we start planning the next one. (Minus all the conversations already had)
Now what?
The best thing about working events like this is not having to think about anything else. Like how I'm turning 27 soon. Like I'm not sure what it means to like someone. It's not the guy you get physically close to, it's not the guy who has absolute faith in you or the guy who sees you as the person you could be and it's not even the guy who can't look at you because it makes him smile which makes his tooth hurt. It's none of those. So then who is it suppose to be?
I had to kept telling people I couldn't see the fest anymore. I couldn't figure out how the experience was for everyone else because I was so involved in the little things going wrong. I think that's like me in general. I can't figure out how I'm seen by others.
Suppose it doesn't matter.
I miss sleep.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Polley
I've only been sleeping a few hours a night lately. Think it's the adrenaline, being sick and the mouse or something that has started living in the wall. The fest is this week. My fest friends start getting in tomorrow. So that will be nice. My small fest isn't that small anymore. I wanna keep it all mine and share it all at the same time.
Some of my future gets decided tomorrow. Though I suppose your future is always decided by what will happen later.How do people work at the same place for 20 years?
A girl who I would describe as a tornado told me she remembered me from a year ago because my style was fly. I put little thought into what I am actually wearing really. A mix of goodwill and clearance racks. Reminds me of the time a guy in Telluride said my outfits were memorable. I don't think I'm ever looking for people to remember me.
Isn't it weird they call it settling down?
Sunday, February 17, 2013
More than three chords
Yesterday blew my mind. Not the being on stage. Not talking in front of everyone, hundreds of hundredsm in my red cowboy boots.
But the amount of love. Everyone was there for this thing we were trying to do. And they were there for me too. And they were there to help me.
After she left us and I came home, a fortune cookie told me that I should accept support with grace.
There's that word again, grace.
I hate the trust fall thing. You know when everyone gets in a circle and pushes you around. No thank you.
In a way, it's easy what I do. Picking up and leaving all the time. Can't get attach or depend on things particularly. Fall into a routine. But I'm not alone. I couldn't do what I do without the people I know are always there. Even if they aren't with me. Not having her anymore makes me get angry at myself when I think not so great thoughts about myself. She believed in me. Why wouldn't I believe her. What she thought I was capable of. A lot of people think I'm capable of a lot.
He told me thank you and I thought he was joking. I'm learning to say you're welcome.
I know I'm the only person who could possibly get in the way of my hopes and dreams. Even if I'm not sure what they are quite yet.
I want to live by the ocean once in my life. I want to kiss a boy and mean it.
I want to learn more about my guitar.
I want a lot of things.
But the amount of love. Everyone was there for this thing we were trying to do. And they were there for me too. And they were there to help me.
After she left us and I came home, a fortune cookie told me that I should accept support with grace.
There's that word again, grace.
I hate the trust fall thing. You know when everyone gets in a circle and pushes you around. No thank you.
In a way, it's easy what I do. Picking up and leaving all the time. Can't get attach or depend on things particularly. Fall into a routine. But I'm not alone. I couldn't do what I do without the people I know are always there. Even if they aren't with me. Not having her anymore makes me get angry at myself when I think not so great thoughts about myself. She believed in me. Why wouldn't I believe her. What she thought I was capable of. A lot of people think I'm capable of a lot.
He told me thank you and I thought he was joking. I'm learning to say you're welcome.
I know I'm the only person who could possibly get in the way of my hopes and dreams. Even if I'm not sure what they are quite yet.
I want to live by the ocean once in my life. I want to kiss a boy and mean it.
I want to learn more about my guitar.
I want a lot of things.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
How it goes
Okay. I've been meaning to write for awhile.
The internet and social media hasn't seemed the same to me I guess. It's hard to figure out what is personal and what has weight and how we are really communicating with each other when we put words to "pages" like this.
So where to start?
Before I went to Sundance my grandmother made me sign up for life insurance. It's one of those becoming an adult things I guess. I find it an uncomfortable thing to do. Then I went to Sundance. I lived so much there. It was such a high. It truly is like Brigadoon. Most of my favorite people were in one spot and I had such little inhibition. I talked to so many awesome people. Even kissed a few boys without regret, which isn't something I'm use to. I got to see so many of my friends and the art they created. It was wonderful. I love Sundance days. You get up go to work and then get swept up in the wave of possibilities. You get to geek out talking to Josh Radnor about raw chicken. I feel two degrees or less away from everyone. Not in the Kevin Bacon way- in the we're all human way. There's this inherent trust that comes from festival people. I think its the gypsy lifestyle. There's sharing of food and Shasta and bed sharing and free rides to the airport. Everyone is so giving. I don't think I could have lived anymore than I had in those two weeks.
So I should have seen this coming.At least that's what I would say. My friend Kate yells at me for saying stuff like that. If I had truly seen it coming then I would have known. There's no way I could have known. It's too personal. I watched myself as I reacted to this news. Who I felt comfortable telling. It wasn't many. It's all part of the circle of life right? It has to happen. When Curtis told me he was done with me in the back of my head I thought this would be the time I could turn to him and he would realize I'm still human.I thought maybe in a few years it might happen. In a weird turn of events he seemed to realize before it even happened. It's just a coincidence that I am going through the same thing he did almost a year ago. I remember how guilty I felt for not being there for him. Crazy, I know. I can appreciate things as coincidence now I suppose. Last year when I was with my two grandmas celebrating ones birthday and he lost his. It didn't mean anything. Maybe February just doesn't like grandmas?
I was naive when it comes to losing people because it hadn't happened to me really. 26 years old I suppose I was lucky to get this far. I didn't know two years ago people could change their mind about someone in a minute or be so careless. Or that people can just breath their last breath without struggle and just disappear one day. I don't regret anything. I think everything I've been a part of has shaped who I am today and who I am becoming. The hardest part about losing her was the faith she had in me. Pure faith that I could do anything. People who hadn't seen me in awhile gasped when they saw me. I was younger when they saw me last. They looked the same to me, I remembered them well. But I suppose I am changing. She always commented on who I was becoming so it was comforting to hear it from them as well. Not in an affirmation kind of way, but because they sounded like her.
It's funny that True/False's theme this year is about the "collective architecture of the impossible." Maybe that's what being 20 something is about. What are you building? In some way she felt like home. Holidays were meant to conclude at her house. It was like the little part that lasted from my childhood after everyone else went their separate ways when they started families. My first and only blind date was with this bio professor who studies birds. I asked him if birds got frustrated with building their homes constantly and he told me he hadn't thought of it like that. In a way, I think I'm like a bird. I don't own furniture. I'm starting to realize the ideas I have about home are best carried within me and not where I am. That's part of the conversations I remember about Curtis too. He was building his home. He asked me a few times if I liked his house. Talked about family. Maybe that's why I was intrigued.
I had never thought of growing up much. I still don't have an ultimate destination. Frank likes to tell me I'm in a good place. He's right.
The internet and social media hasn't seemed the same to me I guess. It's hard to figure out what is personal and what has weight and how we are really communicating with each other when we put words to "pages" like this.
So where to start?
Before I went to Sundance my grandmother made me sign up for life insurance. It's one of those becoming an adult things I guess. I find it an uncomfortable thing to do. Then I went to Sundance. I lived so much there. It was such a high. It truly is like Brigadoon. Most of my favorite people were in one spot and I had such little inhibition. I talked to so many awesome people. Even kissed a few boys without regret, which isn't something I'm use to. I got to see so many of my friends and the art they created. It was wonderful. I love Sundance days. You get up go to work and then get swept up in the wave of possibilities. You get to geek out talking to Josh Radnor about raw chicken. I feel two degrees or less away from everyone. Not in the Kevin Bacon way- in the we're all human way. There's this inherent trust that comes from festival people. I think its the gypsy lifestyle. There's sharing of food and Shasta and bed sharing and free rides to the airport. Everyone is so giving. I don't think I could have lived anymore than I had in those two weeks.
So I should have seen this coming.At least that's what I would say. My friend Kate yells at me for saying stuff like that. If I had truly seen it coming then I would have known. There's no way I could have known. It's too personal. I watched myself as I reacted to this news. Who I felt comfortable telling. It wasn't many. It's all part of the circle of life right? It has to happen. When Curtis told me he was done with me in the back of my head I thought this would be the time I could turn to him and he would realize I'm still human.I thought maybe in a few years it might happen. In a weird turn of events he seemed to realize before it even happened. It's just a coincidence that I am going through the same thing he did almost a year ago. I remember how guilty I felt for not being there for him. Crazy, I know. I can appreciate things as coincidence now I suppose. Last year when I was with my two grandmas celebrating ones birthday and he lost his. It didn't mean anything. Maybe February just doesn't like grandmas?
I was naive when it comes to losing people because it hadn't happened to me really. 26 years old I suppose I was lucky to get this far. I didn't know two years ago people could change their mind about someone in a minute or be so careless. Or that people can just breath their last breath without struggle and just disappear one day. I don't regret anything. I think everything I've been a part of has shaped who I am today and who I am becoming. The hardest part about losing her was the faith she had in me. Pure faith that I could do anything. People who hadn't seen me in awhile gasped when they saw me. I was younger when they saw me last. They looked the same to me, I remembered them well. But I suppose I am changing. She always commented on who I was becoming so it was comforting to hear it from them as well. Not in an affirmation kind of way, but because they sounded like her.
It's funny that True/False's theme this year is about the "collective architecture of the impossible." Maybe that's what being 20 something is about. What are you building? In some way she felt like home. Holidays were meant to conclude at her house. It was like the little part that lasted from my childhood after everyone else went their separate ways when they started families. My first and only blind date was with this bio professor who studies birds. I asked him if birds got frustrated with building their homes constantly and he told me he hadn't thought of it like that. In a way, I think I'm like a bird. I don't own furniture. I'm starting to realize the ideas I have about home are best carried within me and not where I am. That's part of the conversations I remember about Curtis too. He was building his home. He asked me a few times if I liked his house. Talked about family. Maybe that's why I was intrigued.
I had never thought of growing up much. I still don't have an ultimate destination. Frank likes to tell me I'm in a good place. He's right.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Unstoppable
I've been in the same spot in my house for the last 12hrs.
This has resulted in a truly beautiful grid of sorts. If it weren't for the privacy issue of my volunteers I would post a picture. It reminds me why I don't do theater 24/7. It brings out this need for perfection that can be exhausting. Awesome emails from volunteers make it all worth it though. I feel like its the huge wave collecting everything in its path. The fest is going to happen whether we're ready or not. You know, sans not getting projectors and films or something crazy like that.
I'm taking a break from my job coordinating volunteers to work at Sundance and since they told me to be there two days earlier than I need to be I will be volunteering for Slamdance. It's all such a sickness. Good, but still sick. = )
One of my volunteers from last year who is currently working with us this year gave me her old phone. My last one died a terrible slow death thanks to water torture and the verve pipe. It's a great constant reminder of someone being completely selfless.
My new phone has a social network I hadn't been on in awhile that me and the boy I'm not suppose to care about are still connected on. I found out he had been in a car accident. It was hard. Because I felt a lot. I felt my whole heart thud worrying about him. To care someone enough not to let them know you care is completely confusing. I would never want to be with him again, someone so careless with me. But I do still care. I think that's okay. It's human to care. I liked knowing my heart was still in the right place.
My brother is 13 and accidentally told me he loves me too when I told him I loved him on the phone today. That felt like a win.
So here we are.
This has resulted in a truly beautiful grid of sorts. If it weren't for the privacy issue of my volunteers I would post a picture. It reminds me why I don't do theater 24/7. It brings out this need for perfection that can be exhausting. Awesome emails from volunteers make it all worth it though. I feel like its the huge wave collecting everything in its path. The fest is going to happen whether we're ready or not. You know, sans not getting projectors and films or something crazy like that.
I'm taking a break from my job coordinating volunteers to work at Sundance and since they told me to be there two days earlier than I need to be I will be volunteering for Slamdance. It's all such a sickness. Good, but still sick. = )
One of my volunteers from last year who is currently working with us this year gave me her old phone. My last one died a terrible slow death thanks to water torture and the verve pipe. It's a great constant reminder of someone being completely selfless.
My new phone has a social network I hadn't been on in awhile that me and the boy I'm not suppose to care about are still connected on. I found out he had been in a car accident. It was hard. Because I felt a lot. I felt my whole heart thud worrying about him. To care someone enough not to let them know you care is completely confusing. I would never want to be with him again, someone so careless with me. But I do still care. I think that's okay. It's human to care. I liked knowing my heart was still in the right place.
My brother is 13 and accidentally told me he loves me too when I told him I loved him on the phone today. That felt like a win.
So here we are.
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